The past 3 weeks or so has been nothing but fighting with me and Brandon. Sunday he went about "talking to me" in an extremely wrong way. When he confronts me, WHEN he does, it's like he talks to me like I don't have any feelings. I can't say that I know for sure that I don't talk to him that way, but wow. He attacks me by saying that I don't care that he's hurting and went and told my friend that I don't show that I love him.

Even though I told him I would still be with him if his daughter was in fact really his, now that we know it's extremely difficult for me to take it all in. He jumped in it like it was this amazing thing, and you know, bringing a life into this world, that's a big deal and it is amazing, but he didn't really stop to think how I'd feel about it. I felt like I had to room to say anything, because the only thing that even remotely connects me to the situation is him.

It's been a while now that I've had a lot on my mind but he made it clear as to what he'd do if I ever said something along the lines.
With what I go through from time to time, I don't need him there to yell at me or reprimand me for anything. He has no room to tell me I'm wrong when he doesn't know how I'm feeling. And he wonders why I don't want to tell him.

I have been crying a lot lately do to the circumstances and yesterday, in the middle of school, I broke down and just bawled my eyes out. I have never really done that in school-not that bad. I was a wreck. I calmed myself down for the most part but got home and broke down again until I once again had to calm myself down because I had to work. Then, I was shown something and got really upset. Brandon even addressed it to me. That this wasn't his fault. Pretty much said it was mine because I "think too much" and care too much about the future. The future is what holds my life. If I don't think about that, if I don't plan for it, I'm screwed. News flash to him, I know exactly what I want. I know exactly who I want to be and what I exactly want to know. So he has NO room to tell me that I'm thinking too much about it. Of course, in a way, he is right. But he didn't need to go about that the way he did.

When I told him we should take a break (and not see other people) he behaved in such a juvenile way. He handled it like a child.... I'm just trying to make things work without resorting to break up because I don't want to break up. I'm the one who has been trying to be strong. Trying to put on a face so everyone thinks I'm okay. So I don't cause anyone any strife or further stress, but it's so hard to do when pieces of you are being torn away. We talked about it and I am hoping, almost praying (and I don't even believe in god) that he understands and that he sees what this has all caused me. Of course, I can't show him everything. But I just hope he gets it... Hope that he sees it and is willing to try and work with me on it. I can't change my head, I can't change my feelings, if I could I would.

Not talking to him is the hardest thing in the world right now. I just want to message him and tell him that I am sorry and that I love him but I don't want him to get the idea that I'm taking all of the blame because I refuse to do that. He put himself...and ME in this situation. He made poor decisions and he's said some hurtful things. That I'm not quite over yet. That I don't forgive him for right now because I am so hurt by it. I can't even explain the feeling. It's just awful. I want to cry...again. I'm not ready to see him or talk to him right now but I sure do want to... And who's to say he wants to talk to me? I mean...really..