I'm so sorry, you guys. I keep posting these depressing posts just as things are starting to look up. If you're tired of me jerking you around, I don't blame you for leaving.
But... thank you so much for sticking through everything with me. I honestly wish you were here with me so I could hug you for real!
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
I think today was one of the worst days of my college career so far.
We had our math test today and, I got to the last page and just blanked. I mean, I couldn't remember how to do ANYTHING.
So, I sat there with a blank page for about 10 minutes before I was forced to hand it in, pretty much unfinished. I tried to do some equations, like I put effort into it, but... yeah.
So, afterwards, I was leaving with the boyfriend (It was the LAST thing we did today before Spring Break started) and I was talking about how angry I was with myself and such. Well, he started to go on, like he usually does, about where I need to improve and the like.
By this time, my stress had peaked, I mean, I wasn't even this stressed when I had that eye-twitch! I couldn't stand to hear more about my own faults. I mean... something just snapped. I couldn't take it anymore! I turned to my love and yelled, "NO MORE LECTURES! GOD, WILL YOU SHUT UP?!"
D:
Then, my world fell apart! My heart broke into a million pieces and those pieces began to scratch and tear at my insides!
God, I wanted to die!
I wanted a hole to open up in the ground and swallow me up! I wanted someone to randomly pull out a gun and shoot me point-blank in the face! I wanted the sun to focus itself on me and not let me go until I'd burned into nothing but ashes!
And, he just walked away.
He just walked away and didn't say a single word... didn't look back... nothing...
By the time I'd gotten to the place where we parked (he always parks his truck next to my car), he was gone... He didn't even wait for me.
God, that's when I REALLY broke down.
I must've sat there in my car for quite a while, just crying. I mean, by the time I looked up, half the cars in the parking lot were gone (students had left for Break). My eyes were puffy and red, there wasn't any snot left in my nose, as far as I could tell.
A million different things were going through my mind.
What do I do?
Why did I say that?
What should I do now?
What if I hurt him?!
God, I can't live with myself when he's hurt by something else... I'd thought I'd honestly hurt him or offended him, and I honestly wanted to kill myself this afternoon... but, that with the stress hadn't left me in a right state of mind.
After I'd calmed down, I decided I needed to apologize. I thought about going home, but I knew it'd be best to apologize face to face, NOT over the phone and most certainly NOT over an IM or Email.
So, I drove to his house.
All the while, I'm thinking, "What if he breaks up with me for being so mean?! I don't think I can function without him! I'll kill myself!"
And, then I got to his house.
By then, my tears had dried up and I was almost back to normal. But, when he answered the door, I just broke down AGAIN! DX I kept saying, "I'm so sorry!" and that's all I could say... I WANTED to say, "I regret what I did! I never want to hurt you! Please, forgive me!" but... it was just, "Sorry... sorry... I'm sorry..." and lots of snot and tears.
And... he just held me.
We just stood in the doorway and he hugged me tight.
It took awhile for me to calm down again... in the end, he said, "It's okay. You basically told me you wanted to be left alone. So, that's what I did. I left."
Where the HELL did I say that?!
Apparently, it was my body language.
BUT! Doesn't he know?! I may have showed that I wanted to be left alone, but what I REALLY needed was for him to just stop calling my faults and just... hold me. That's all I needed.
God, that must have been my first "girl" moment... Yes, you girls are NOTORIOUS for showing us one thing and meaning another... it's hard to deal with. =_=
He just kept saying, "It's okay! WE'RE okay! You just had a breakdown and needed some time alone. So, that's what I did."
Then, after that, he was normal. It was as if nothing had happened!
I don't know if I should be mad that he wasn't at all affected, or if I should be grateful! I was so afraid of losing him, but... I... I just... *sigh*
Of course, in the end, I'm eternally grateful. If he'd done that to me, it would've ended differently, I'm sure... god, he has no idea how much I love him. I don't deserve someone who's so... patient and wise... he has such an old soul, and that's... amazing to me.
*sigh*
I wanna cry happy tears now... TTwTT
~Yosei~
