Slash the last post, other than the new subbie.
Life has recently just dropped like a brick on me. I'm so tired and so worn out, I just wanna fall asleep and stay like that for a day or two. Maybe when I wake up, things will be different.
Yesterday, my b/f, my friend Saya and her b/f, Naota, went to the County Fair. It was like it is every year. Every ride is found in the same place, same as every game, so we just made our usual rounds to each booth and whatnot. The rides were fun, but I'm beginning to question my own sanity and the relationship I have with my boyfriend.
I love him to pieces, I really do. He's my everything, and I know that. But, yesterday, it seemed as if he just wasn't himself. We always hold hands in public, it's a ritual! But, everytime I went to hold his hand yesterday, he'd pull it away a few seconds later. Sometimes he'd turn around to talk to Naota, sometimes he'd get distracted, and other times, it didn't feel like there was a reason at all! How come he didn't wanna hold hands? ;_; Am I just getting worked up over nothing? Maybe he was too hot or maybe it really was too crowded? I dunno, but I'd think he would've mentioned a reason.
Also, twice yesterday, it felt like he insulted me. I mean, I'm used to him having an opinion about everyone else he comes into contact with. He has an abrasive nature sometimes. But, those people don't spend all of their time with him. Their wounds from his words will heal and go away and they'll forget him. But, I have an actual relationship with him. If he insults me, or critiques me, it hurts! I always try to be the best I can be for him. But, he said things that I couldn't help yesterday. Like...
*song on cd switches over*
Him: Oh, finally, REAL music!
Me: What's wrong with the last song?
Him: Ugh, it was awful! I didn't get it at all!
Me: Of course you didn't, it was in Japanese.
Him: Well, it was kinda crappy.
Me: >:(
He thinks that just because he can play 5 different instruments, and that just because he's "so good" at music, that he can suddenly be the Godly judge that says which songs are good and which aren't. That hurt that he doesn't like some of my music. I put up with some of the shit he listens to without saying anything! Can't he return the favor?
Then, about ten minutes later, Naota, or Saya, or someone brought up the subject of clothes and he looks at me and says, "Eh, I don't think you'd look good in lace..."
WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! I didn't even provoke the subject! That's so unfair! How many times have I said, "Wow, that shirt looks so good on you! I like the color!" and how often do I get a POSITIVE response? I don't think he's complimented my outward appearance in all the times we've been dating. He's said OTHER things, like, "Wish you wouldn't wear that, my ex used to wear clothes like that. I thought you were her for a moment!"
I get not caring what your partner looks like and accepting them for who they are, but I wouldn't mind a little self-confidence booster from time to time, okay?
I've actually had to ask him, "What do you think of this, or that? Should I wear it this way? What of my hair? Which do you prefer?"
And I've never gotten a goddamn straight answer.
I don't know if he does that to make it easy for me to just dress like a slob (because, obviously, he doesn't care) or he really just doesn't have an opinion. Either way, I wish he'd at least hint at what he likes to see me in so I can impress him from time to time, y'know?
I've realized lately that most time we spend together consist of two things: me watching or joining in on a video game he's playing, or the two of us watching TV together.
I wouldn't mind a little change, y'know?
I also don't feel like he supports me and my relationship with my family. He doesn't like my parents, even though they adore him. Something about my mother being able to set us all on guilt trips to get her way and the fact that my dad's an army rat and the OTHER fact that they're not the smartest people in the world. Well, so what? They aren't world smart, like he is, but they're good at their jobs and that's all that matters! Just because my mother works in a clinic, doesn't mean she has to know what the melting point of Mercury is, alright?!
Also, today was a really important family reunion at my grandparent's house. I invited him along, just for the day, and he kinda evaded the question:
Me: Hey, it's my Uncle's birthday this weekend. Wanna go with us? There'll be tons of people and food!
Him: Ehh... your gramma's food was passable at best.
WHAT? Okay, just because they don't cook like a fucking professional chef like your mother, doesn't mean they don't make good food and it doesn't mean that she doesn't put just as much effort and love into every bite, goddammit! He could've just said outright, "No, I don't want to go" or at least, "I think I'm busy with something else that day."
I mean, my sister's boyfriend even goes to see them, and I'm pretty sure he's only along to get into my sister's pants! At least he goes with us every other month! And, Saya always has Naota tagging along to her family get-togethers! They all love each other! I just wish that I wasn't the only one in the group whose boyfriend doesn't seem to give two fucking shits about his partner's family! He only has three family members, one would think he'd accept a few of mine more graciously!
I mean, goddamn! I don't like all of my family members, a few of them I avoid like the plague, but there's some gems in there, like my Uncle Jean and an new Aunt I met recently, Colleen, and a few cousins of mine... I don't come from a family of hillbillies, okay? He's not gonna "catch dumb" by coming and spending a day with them for me.
I just want more support.
I want to feel like he at least pretends to enjoy my family as much as I enjoy his. God knows they're not perfect and I know mine aren't perfect either, but at least I got to know them well enough to love them myself. I just wish he'd TRY to make the effort to repay the favor.
There's nothing like having someone you love so much right beside you, and still feeling so alone.
And it hurts, badly.
~Yosei~
