This was the very first I've read of your work. I must say, though, that you do not disappoint. This was beyond impressive, really. I was shocked at how smoothly everything flowed, despite the fact that many scenes would have been utter chaos if witnessed. Now I know that I have a lot of work to do before I even consider writing another story. Very well done, Allamorph!
ok, that makes more sense now, thanks. I guess if it was half a football field, then he was the hail mary, lol. I didn't realize there was such a distance involved. yeah, a person's going to be temporarily insane after that...
to tell you the truth, that part reminded me of a passage in one of my stories where the male lead was going into shock, and I managed to describe him as being so thoroughly messed over that I had to go back and change the whole thing, because there was no way he was going to finish what he needed to do in that kind of shape. I'm still not satisfied with that part of my story because it takes us out of the action for too long and things just drag, and there's no real reason for it. I consider it to be a mistake on my part, so I was interested to hear you explain why you left your "pause" in your story.
I always knew it wouldn't be realistic for Nick to jump back up like he was on a spring, I just wondered why it was so funny as he was wallowing around on the floor. for a moment, I didn't know if you wanted me to be biting my nails or laughing. I guess I just got mixed signals from it. *shrugs*
I hardly ever write from only one person's perspective. I like the reader to know more than the lead character does. Nick is such a strong character though, that you can have him carry the whole story. the one character perspective worked very well. I usually have a large number of ppl in my stories though. can't stay with just one.
you know, if you wanted to, you could make this into a series. it's more than interesting enough.
one thing that puzzled me though was after the gaunt swatted him, the way you described him trying to collect himself came across as funny to me. it really took me out of the moment and ruined the suspense. was that supposed to be funny, or was it just me?
There was a small bit of humor supposed to be present there, yes, but the purpose of the section was stay more true-to-life with what happens when a person is knocked hard enough to send them flying over half the length of a football field and still slam into a solid object.
No matter what kind of person you are or how high your pain tolerance, there's only so much you can stand before you just get your bell rung. And when that happens, ain't no way you can just jump up and run back into the fight. And you can't think straight, either. (Believe me, I know what being out of it feels like. You think you know what you're thinking and it gets mixed up and twisted on the way out to where people think you're stonking insane.)
But yes, it was supposed to take you out of the action for a moment. And part of that was that I had taken the entire narrative as limited from Nicholas's point of view, so when he got slammed I couldn't step out and look from the general camera's perspective. I had to stay with him.
Thanks for noticing that, though; I appreciate it. =)
wow, that was intense. :D when I see a story that's that long, I wonder if it's going to keep my attention, but this one did. I especially liked the descriptions of the weapons and how they were used. that must've taken research...
one thing that puzzled me though was after the gaunt swatted him, the way you described him trying to collect himself came across as funny to me. it really took me out of the moment and ruined the suspense. was that supposed to be funny, or was it just me? :/ anyway, great story! I really enjoyed it!
You certainly don't hold back. Normally I don't care for this sort of thing since to be honest, people are rather stupid about it. For example, when Nicholas was sent flying... what I'm used to seeing is the person get up as if nothing happened. Where you had the poor guy dazed, which would be more accurate I'm thinking. So that, among other things, made it an interesting read.
The repetition was intentional. You were supposed to feel like that.
Another one that got repeated was "the blackhawk roared" or a variation on that phrase. I think this was mostly because I couldn't figure out a better way to phrase it, but it works.
I kind of feel like Selene. o_O I was a bit horrified by what was going on, and yet I couldn't walk away since I wanted to know if Nicholas got out alive or not.
Oh and I kind of noticed that you repeated phrases a bit in this. Like this one here:
Ghast were also unbelievably vexing to kill.
It threw me off a little when I ran into nearly the same thing on page five:
Ghast were unbelievably vexing to kill.
It just made me wonder, for a moment, if I was skimming. XD
There were other incidents of repeat description usage but I bet you already know what they are. Normally I don't notice, but when something is shockingly vivid like this story. It tends to stick out in my mind. o_O
Anyway, it was well written, but I'm not sure if I'd read it again. XD
Woah. o_O That was quite the read and very intense. I couldn't stop reading since I wanted to know how the hell he was going to deal with creatures like that.
Well that was definitely quite vivid. Very intense as well. Your manner of writing made it easy to picture what was going on, even if it was a bit on the graphic side.
So is there more, or is this snippet all there is to it?
Dr. Mama Cat. (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 07/13/09 | Reply
Nice. :3 I've been looking forward to reading this ever since you mentioned it. It really fits his personality quite well and the imagery and setting is fun.
chibi master
Otakuite+ | Posted 08/06/10 | Reply
This was the very first I've read of your work. I must say, though, that you do not disappoint. This was beyond impressive, really. I was shocked at how smoothly everything flowed, despite the fact that many scenes would have been utter chaos if witnessed. Now I know that I have a lot of work to do before I even consider writing another story. Very well done, Allamorph!
neko Misty kitten
Grand Otaku | Posted 08/09/09 | Reply
@Allamorph:
ok, that makes more sense now, thanks. I guess if it was half a football field, then he was the hail mary, lol. I didn't realize there was such a distance involved. yeah, a person's going to be temporarily insane after that...
to tell you the truth, that part reminded me of a passage in one of my stories where the male lead was going into shock, and I managed to describe him as being so thoroughly messed over that I had to go back and change the whole thing, because there was no way he was going to finish what he needed to do in that kind of shape. I'm still not satisfied with that part of my story because it takes us out of the action for too long and things just drag, and there's no real reason for it. I consider it to be a mistake on my part, so I was interested to hear you explain why you left your "pause" in your story.
I always knew it wouldn't be realistic for Nick to jump back up like he was on a spring, I just wondered why it was so funny as he was wallowing around on the floor. for a moment, I didn't know if you wanted me to be biting my nails or laughing. I guess I just got mixed signals from it. *shrugs*
I hardly ever write from only one person's perspective. I like the reader to know more than the lead character does. Nick is such a strong character though, that you can have him carry the whole story. the one character perspective worked very well. I usually have a large number of ppl in my stories though. can't stay with just one.
you know, if you wanted to, you could make this into a series. it's more than interesting enough.
Allamorph
Spiritus Memorae (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 08/08/09 | Reply
@neko Misty kitten:
one thing that puzzled me though was after the gaunt swatted him, the way you described him trying to collect himself came across as funny to me. it really took me out of the moment and ruined the suspense. was that supposed to be funny, or was it just me?
There was a small bit of humor supposed to be present there, yes, but the purpose of the section was stay more true-to-life with what happens when a person is knocked hard enough to send them flying over half the length of a football field and still slam into a solid object.
No matter what kind of person you are or how high your pain tolerance, there's only so much you can stand before you just get your bell rung. And when that happens, ain't no way you can just jump up and run back into the fight. And you can't think straight, either. (Believe me, I know what being out of it feels like. You think you know what you're thinking and it gets mixed up and twisted on the way out to where people think you're stonking insane.)
But yes, it was supposed to take you out of the action for a moment. And part of that was that I had taken the entire narrative as limited from Nicholas's point of view, so when he got slammed I couldn't step out and look from the general camera's perspective. I had to stay with him.
Thanks for noticing that, though; I appreciate it. =)
neko Misty kitten
Grand Otaku | Posted 08/08/09 | Reply
wow, that was intense. :D when I see a story that's that long, I wonder if it's going to keep my attention, but this one did. I especially liked the descriptions of the weapons and how they were used. that must've taken research...
one thing that puzzled me though was after the gaunt swatted him, the way you described him trying to collect himself came across as funny to me. it really took me out of the moment and ruined the suspense. was that supposed to be funny, or was it just me? :/ anyway, great story! I really enjoyed it!
Rachmaninoff
Otaku Legend | Posted 07/18/09 | Reply
You certainly don't hold back. Normally I don't care for this sort of thing since to be honest, people are rather stupid about it. For example, when Nicholas was sent flying... what I'm used to seeing is the person get up as if nothing happened. Where you had the poor guy dazed, which would be more accurate I'm thinking. So that, among other things, made it an interesting read.
Allamorph
Spiritus Memorae (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 07/18/09 | Reply
@Sabrina:
The repetition was intentional. You were supposed to feel like that.
Another one that got repeated was "the blackhawk roared" or a variation on that phrase. I think this was mostly because I couldn't figure out a better way to phrase it, but it works.
Sabrina
Otaku Archangel | Posted 07/17/09 | Reply
I kind of feel like Selene. o_O I was a bit horrified by what was going on, and yet I couldn't walk away since I wanted to know if Nicholas got out alive or not.
Oh and I kind of noticed that you repeated phrases a bit in this. Like this one here:
Ghast were also unbelievably vexing to kill.
It threw me off a little when I ran into nearly the same thing on page five:
Ghast were unbelievably vexing to kill.
It just made me wonder, for a moment, if I was skimming. XD
There were other incidents of repeat description usage but I bet you already know what they are. Normally I don't notice, but when something is shockingly vivid like this story. It tends to stick out in my mind. o_O
Anyway, it was well written, but I'm not sure if I'd read it again. XD
-Sabrina
Selene Shri
Grand Otaku | Posted 07/17/09 | Reply
O_O
*is speechless*
~Sarah
SunfallE
Nyaa~ (ZE MEANIE) | Posted 07/14/09 | Reply
Woah. o_O That was quite the read and very intense. I couldn't stop reading since I wanted to know how the hell he was going to deal with creatures like that.
In the name of the tune I will punish you!
Allamorph
Spiritus Memorae (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 07/14/09 | Reply
@Nathan:
Oi, I certainly hope there isn't any more.
> >
Kimmeh
The Beautiful German | Posted 07/14/09 | Reply
Wow Alla. o-o
I really liked this. ^^;
"This is Schweinsteiger fashion. ZIS IZ FASHUNN."
Nathan
Good Old Reliable | Posted 07/13/09 | Reply
Well that was definitely quite vivid. Very intense as well. Your manner of writing made it easy to picture what was going on, even if it was a bit on the graphic side.
So is there more, or is this snippet all there is to it?
Indi
Dr. Mama Cat. (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 07/13/09 | Reply
Nice. :3 I've been looking forward to reading this ever since you mentioned it. It really fits his personality quite well and the imagery and setting is fun.
~Crystia