@narutofangirl8:

Thanks for both your comments.
I have thought about it, and am in the process of writing a book.
Though given my current situation, proves difficult.

NNM
You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.

Well, first off, you did a great job of capturing the sarcastic, dry humor of the show. I enjoyed both assignments a lot. Very nice.

However, you need to work on your dialogue—specifically, your format and your speech tags. So if you don’t mind, I’d like to give you a few pointers. (^_^)

Now, I notice that wherever you use dialogue, you always separated the spoken sentence from the one after it. That doesn’t always work; true, the spoken sentence is complete by itself, and can stand on its own (which you did occasionally, and which was not a problem), but take this:

“So what now?” He asks as I pull him away from the crowd.

Now, if take out the spoken sentence, we have:

He asks as I pull him away from the crowd.

That’s just kind of meh, right? You as the reader want to know what he asked, and just as the as I pull him away from the crowd adds to the scene, so does his speech. Therefore you want to keep it all part of the same sentence, which just means turning any relevant periods into commas, dropping the second space, and not capitalizing the next word. Like so:

“So what now?” he asks as I pull him away from the crowd.

Now, that’s only for actual speech tags, or phrases that directly describe what the speaker is doing; he said; she asks; wept the boy; the colonel continued. The next sentence doesn’t need that fix, but a different one:

“What, can’t an undead girl have a hobby?” I grab the latest yuri manga from Seven Seas, “Anyway, how could I take you to a place I don’t know. This ain’t an escort service.”

Grabbing the manga was a separate action from speaking; you should have separated the sentence from the following line of dialogue. Just because a bit of spoken words comes after a regular sentence doesn’t mean you separate with a comma. Like so:

I grab the latest yuri manga from Seven Seas. “Anyway, how could I take you to a place I don’t know. This ain’t an escort service.”

(Also, that was a question: …how could I take you to a place I don’t know?) (^_^)

Lastly, use more speech tags instead of just dropping the dialogue in where it falls. Let the characters act like they’re speaking to each other, instead of just trading lines while always staring blankly at nothing.

And you’ll want to check a few spelling errors that Word won’t pick up—like “scuff” in the first paragraph (scoff)—but other than that, not a bad short at all. You’ve got some real talent, and I hope to see you improve in the future.

Later,

–A

@Allamorph:

It was an interesting world. Nana wanted to see what she could do with it. She loved the whole death by reentering toilet seat

Ah, Dead Like Me. Fun, deadpan(excuse the pun), and burning toilet seats reentering the atmosphere.

I have marked this piece for reviewing. Back later. (^_^)

Interesting. Interesting and confusing at the same time. I like it =P

So this is based on a tv show? Could you tell me the name?

@angelchild2511:

Yeah, I have both seasons. I love the show and wanted to write something from that world. It's a shame not many know about the show.
Glad you liked the story.

NNM

This certainly sounds like the TV show, but it's good. I like it.

~Hanyuu