Goodness how touchy people can get over a poorly written book. I attempted to read all of the comments but to be honest, it was just too sad.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you for writing this. I laughed several times.

~Colleen

Enslaving the world, one JRocker at a time.

You are so my hero. Thanks for writing this.

"I can’t tell you why I enjoyed Twilight, or the subsequent novels to follow, because honestly, upon review, I can’t remember why I had any good reasons too."

That sums up exactly how I feel. I actually was quite obsessed with it over a year ago, and now that my entire school and family is frothing at the mouth over it, I wonder why I ever liked it at all.

And did you notice that they got progressively worse? I mean Twilight was...alright, but Breaking Dawn was almost unbearably ridiculous.

♥Kachi

It's not really a surprise that the book isn't that good... Most teenage girls don't care if a piece of writing is good or not, they're just looking for anything that has shojo-like elements. It's the same reason why art sites have sketchy drawings of guys rated as most popular...
I thoroughly enjoyed your little piece of writing, it's blunt where it needs to be, something I admire about a review. And I'm glad that I'm not the only writer that constantly tries to learn new words/phrases and so on.

anomaly:
I agree with what you say here. I originally read Twilight because a friend recommended it. I thought it was alright but definitely not the best writing in the world. I read the other three and thought "OMG this series is so boring/gay!". About a week later, Twilight was the most popular thing. Really, theres no character development, no interesting words thrown into the mix at random and everyone's way too depressed/angsty for their normal age. Plus, Stephanie Meyer did completely rape the entire vampire and werewolf/shapeshifter myth.

And the fangirls for it are worse than what should be normal. As an e-card that I love to bits says: "Breaking Dawn: the 'how to' for necrophiliacs."

@Markus wolfe:

Meh.... Well for a while he did let his wolf take over, but changed back to more humna later for Bella's wedding, since they still were friends.

@MewChero:

Werewolf...shapeshifter.....there's not much of a difference. Surely, a human (probably some sort of shaman) with the ability to change into a wolf would be more human than werewolf...but still, I'd expect Jacob to let his animal side get to him more.

@Markus wolfe:

Toche. Wow.... that was truely well researched... Never thought of Werewolves that way... You could write a book on them. O.O
Let's just leave this argument at; I liked the book series, you did not. Ok? BTW I'm not a fan girl.... If I'm a fan girl of anything it would be Naruto,Howl's Moving Castle(book and movie) and House. ^.~
I just hate it when people hate on things....O.O That was hypocritical... O.O
One more thing...
Jacob is not a werewolf....He's a shifter.... I really don't feel like explaining that....
~Chero~

@Markus wolfe:

GG HF etc etc
wow
Yeah I think maybe you should just submit your own article on this =P I'd sure as hell read it.

@Anomaly:

Burning of midnight oil(teen rage x male disgust of girly things) + gratuitous amounts of knowledge/access to research on various subjects(too much time on hands - restraint) = One hell of a fangirl bashing.

@Markus wolfe:

I.... I think you're my new best friend...

o_O The face is not for your article, but for the comments. I guess I don't understand why people care if others like something they don't.

I'm not sure how to explain since I like Twilight, but I'll try to get it right. ^^ I'm not going to argue because I think you are right. A year ago I might have, but this year I started reading harder stuff. I'm currently reading Sherlock Holmes.

So I can see how there could have been more done. Reading the other makes me wish that the author did. I love all the details in Holmes, even if it's hard to understand sometimes. ^^

I saw the movie too. I liked it, but I wish there was more to it. That's all. And...at least you enjoyed when you read it the first time? oO

~Sarah

@MewChero:

You don't get it do you?

Since 1897, all vampire books have been influenced by Brian Stokers’ Dracula, and thus we’ve accepted Dracula as the traditional vampire. Conversely, this rather Transylvanian view of vampires can be limited. If an author wanted to try something different, however, they would have no trouble in finding inspiration: Most cultures have their own vampires, from the traditional European Counts to the Japanese Nukekubi, whose head detached completely while it search for victims. There’s some very cool stuff out there if you look for it.

BUT NOOOO. That was not enough for Meyers. She couldn’t be satisfied with the mad theories of scientifically challenged paranoid peasants no matter what culture the came from, despite the fact that it has already provided over a century’s worth of entertainment. She had to come up with her own set of vampire lore ‘perfectly’ suited to harlequin romances. A set of lore where the vampires f*cking SPARKLED in the sun instead of being burned to ashes. It disgusts me to this day.

That’s why I like werewolves. Sure, different sets of lore disagree on various things. Turn every full moon, every night, or whenever you feel like it? Vulnerable to silver, or all metals? Wolf, wolfman, or manwolf? And how exactly do I become one? But they all agree on key areas: people turn into wolf-things, usually at night, especially when they’re ripshit pissed off about something. They run around, alone, with other werewolves, with natural wolves, feral dogs, whatever’s available really. They hunt, brutally kill and eat animals. Note that animals include humans, but mostly consist of livestock and game.

The reason werewolves are generally untouchable while vampires are easy to change is because of the places in the human mind they occupy.

Vampires were born out of fear of the dead, particularly lovers and family members, coming back to haunt the living. Tomb raiders, lack of scientific understanding (human bodies decay in a manner which creates an illusion of tooth, hair and nail growth), various diseases as well as some folks being buried alive by accident all supported the growth of vampire folklore. But vampires are creatures of death, creatures that have already died in one form or another. And within each culture, death is treated differently. That is why every culture has a different vampire. And since each individual can have different views on death, each individual can have different views on vampires.

However, since humans went from gatherers to hunter/gatherers, there has been a part of the human psyche that is more comparable to a wolf than of our ape-like ancestors. It’s more akin to a big cat, for that matter, than a chimpanzee. It’s the part that made men want to go out and hunt. It was an animalistic bloodlust combined with a prey drive. A werewolf is the answer to the hunting man’s question: what if I let my predatory side get the better side of me? What if my mind deteriorated into an animalistic state, and I started to hunt and kill everything? What if I started killing people to satisfy my bloodlust? The real monstrous aspect of a werewolf is that it is one of the most powerful and most suppressed parts of the human mind unleashed upon the world. The physical transformation is purely for flash, and to justify the ability of one man to rip another clean in half. It doesn’t even have to be a wolf; in areas where wolves cannot be found, humans will substitute local predators like tigers and hyenas.

But then, do I not wish that (heavens forbid) if I actually DID become animals in my mind that my body followed suit so that I could survive whatever horrors I were going to do? Perhaps I could, I don’t know, carry out some revenge fantasies, y’know, eat the guy who stole my lunch everyday in the third grade? Maybe mutilate the lady’s man in town who stole my girlfriend until he was no longer recognizable as a human? And if nothing else, could I at least use some enhanced senses to find out who’s been touching my stuff recently? Some of the werewolf’s appeal is the promise of power that comes with going insane.

Of course, compared to a vampire, I still believe a werewolf has a greater capacity for good. For while vampires are shadowy bloodsuckers that drain others of their life force, werewolves are simply stuck between the (mental and physical) states of wolf and man. (METALLICA REFERENCE, FOR THE WIN!) And wolves are truly not evil. Certainly, they have no trouble taking the life of game and livestock for their own survival, but that’s just the life they live. Also, they have no comprehension of animal ownership: livestock is just slow, fat game to them. They are monogamous, even more so than most humans. Extremely loyal to friend and family, wolves seem to even have a respect for their prey, taking only what they need to survive. Indubitably, are these traits we would not appreciate in our fellow humans? If a werewolf learned to control his murderous impulses, he could certainly do more good than harm, at least to his loved ones. Can’t say the same about his enemies.

(Would now be a bad time to compare women and werewolves? There is always one night a month you don’t want to be in bed with either…..)

Attacks on livestock and game by packs of wolves and feral dogs, cannibalistic serial killers, rabies and people with mental conditions all supported belief in werewolves.

Now if you all think I just went off on a little tangent there, you’re wrong. There’s a point to all this, largely to how….sedated….the werewolves of Meyer look compared to traditional werewolves. From what I’ve heard, Jacob was sitting around, minding his own business, maybe making a few moves on the woman of his dreams. Then this vampire jackass came into town, stole his ideal girl, put her in danger, got Jacob in a whole lot of bullshit with other vampires, got his fantasy babe pregnant, and THEN married before getting Jacob in even more vampire-related bullshit. And what can he say? “I’m sorry I’m not the right kind of monster for you.”

First of all, what kind of werewolf lets a vampire come into his town without first sticking a wooden flagpole in his heart? Second, why is he filled with angst instead of rage when his potential mate is stolen? Third, why did he not rip that jackass’s head off the first time his vampire buddies showed up? Fourth, having that creepoid’s spawn would definitely ruin Jacob’s chances with her, so his best option would’ve been abortion…..by FAAAALCONNN PUNCH! Finally, all he could do is apologize that he wasn’t the guy she wanted. Wuss. Should’ve been more like: “I’m sorry you had to settle for this low-life blood sucking domestic abuse case waiting to happen. I guess you just weren’t woman enough to handle the extremely high concentration of masculinity that is present in every fibre of my being. Don’t worry about me though, I’m fine. I’m sure I’ll be able to find a beautiful woman that is attracted to my large and muscular body, not intimidated by it or my dark, wild hair. No, I’m sure that this facemeltingly hot and sexy woman will be able to appreciate my particularly large genitalia, and the raw, powerful beast that I am in and out of bed. When I find this wonderful woman, I have no doubts that I will have sex with her so frequently that I will be able to forget that you and your crummy little vampire community ever existed.”

Ha. Your fangirlism can’t repel an argument of that magnitude!

@Anomaly:

If I hurt your feelins I apologize....
I was merely stating my opinion.... Just as everyone who commented on this and the author did. (Very well written article btw)
Oh and most people were nervous around the vamps in Twilight, it's just that Bella is stupid. I feel it makes sense that people are no longer afraid of vamps in the book, because in our modern society we no longer believe in anything mythical, thus our fear goes away. That's why people watch movies that could happen to scare them now days....(uhhh I got off topic...^.^;)
~Chero~

@Markus wolfe:

As far as I know....The only book that requires a vamp to have soil from the homeland and a coffin is Dracula... There are some others that use coffins..... But not that many. People like to get creative... If every vamp book was the same it would be boring...This is my opinion though.

BTW....Jacob and his crew are not even truely werewolves...It says so in the last book, thus none of the werewolf myths have to apply to them

@MewChero:

And I've read books where werewolves made up the silver bullet rule to stop humans from reaching for their shotguns every time they heard something sniffing around the back door. Also, in this book series, the full moon was only partially true. It held significance for the werewolves, but they could change anytime, and mostly it was to make humans on the look-out for werewolves one night out of the month. But those books were ok. I've also seen some series (Big Wolf on Campus) where werewolves can change anytime they want but MUST change on the night of the full moon. In the end, it all followed or at the very least played off classic lore.

Twilight went out and broke it, then got another one that didn't work properly.

Vampires sleep in coffins all day instead of beds because only their coffins (combined with the soil of their homeland) can protect them from the sun and various other mystic forces. Did Edward sleep in a coffin?

British Vampires were the only vampires known to go out during the day: They were always surrounded by mist/fog, well dressed, carried an umbrella and always seemed to be reading the newspaper. The easiest way to dispatch of them is to take their umbrella and shove it through their heart.Did Edward carry an umbrella and read the newspaper?

Vampires hated garlic because it was involved in one of the 4 known ways to kill a vampire:

1. Wood through the heart.
2. Decapitation while garlic is in mouth.
3. Over exposure to holy substances.
4. Exposure to sunlight.

Bulgarian vampires slept with one eye open.

Was Edward any of those things?

This is stuff I can call up from MEMORY, and I'm not even a vampire freak. Meyer couldn't even be bothered to research vampires for her own vampire book. That is a sign of laziness and unprofessionalism. I don't see why that book sold a single copy.

@MewChero:

oh, well. I guess no one is worse than me then.Oh my God, I'm so... so offended! Well, not so much. I'm fine with that.

There was no variation. That was the issue. I've never read the word 'perfect' so many times in one piece of writing.
Vampires are timeless, and have been part of legends for thousands of years. Why? Because, they worked. they were scary and beautiful and didn't have God Mod on. In Twilight, the vampires could only die because of other vampires or the werewolves, apparently. That's lame.

People keep saying the writing sounds like a high schooler wrote it...New flash it's in a high schooler's POV.... I think that you would be more upset if Bella (a high schooler) was using college level vocabulary.... Besides outside of school where I want to read for fun I don't want to have to sit with a dictionary open just to read one book.
Oh and as a Vamp fan...I've ready tons of other books where the vamps come out during the day and are only slightly irritated by the sun or that the sun thing was a myth. It all depends on what you read. Some books they have the sun rule, but if a vamp mysteriously finds a special charm they can go outside.
I enjoy books about vamps that change the rules. Who wants to read a bunch of books with the same rules about vampires? That would be like making all mystery stories like Sherlock Holmes. People would hate that.
Now I'm not a huge fan of Twilight (I've read waaaayyy better) but it bugs me when people attack the author when her concept and writing was good.
The annoying thing is the hype. I read Twilight waaaayyy before there was a movie in the works. I read it before every single girl had to have it... I feel that haters and fans are both immature.... The girls who openly nonstop talk about how great Twilight is are annoying, but nothing is worse than a person who openly hates on something.
~Chero~

@Markus wolfe:

Ummmm Edward can die....Who said he can't????? He has to be killed....They killed James and many other vampires in the series...So Why couldn't Edward die??? *just confused here...*

I agree with this whole-heartedly. I've also read the series and I honestly didn't know that there was such hype about it when I bought the first book. I thought it was alright, but when I returned to school one day, no one would shut up about it. The series is overrated. People make it seem like it's better than what it actually is. A friend of mine told me flat out that Bella was an undeinable Mary Sue. She also told me that Edward is abusive for all the things he does to "keep her from getting hurt" and what not. And a shiny vampire? No, you don't do that. My friends and I agree that if a vampire sparkles in the sun, it's a joke. Real vampires burn and die.

But of course it would be such a crime to voice my thoughts about Twilight and I would face a punishment. Almost every girl at my school gets violent if they hear anything less than praise for Edward Cullen. I mean, Edward is a horrible character! Meyer raped the whole mythology of vampires and then produced the abortion that is 'Twilgiht'. All of the characters are uncreative and undeveloped. And the message of this book is disgusting. Is she going back in time? We don't live in the stone age. Women have rights and opportunities. A real woman wouldn't give up all her dreams for the sake of one man.

And I agree about Meyer's vocabulary. I'm an aspiring writer and when I read Twilight, I thought "It's okay to use words and phrases like this? You can still get published?" I've read a few "How I Write" books and such and they do say that simple is sometimes better, but I don't think that this means to write like a kid in highschool.

To wrap this all up, I agree with this essay and I feel that it is well written. You voiced your thoughts wonderfully. I'm glad that there are people out there who are not afraid to say "Twilight is a novelized fan fiction and a piece of literary crap."

I just love what you wrote here. Seriously. The hype around these books and the film made me even less curious to see what it was about. A friend of mine did see the film, though, and said there are only 2 minutes of action in the entire thing, the rest being Bella x Edward lovey-doveyness.
Will watch it one day with her and laugh until I cough to death. We already promised each other that

Anyway, back to the comment on the review itself: pretty good and easy to understand. You stated the flaws clearly and without being affected by the anti-Twilight current (since there has to be an opposite for every fandom). And I suppose you made your point, because you certainly enforced my opinion of this being crap and me not wanting to read it.

The characters do seem shallow from your description, and I still wonder why this became a bestseller. Young girls (and maybe boys?) need some guidance in choosing the books they like.
Even fanfiction is better than this, and I'm saying this even though I'm not a fan of the stuff.

@KonniC5:

a) worst moral ever and it's been done 1000x better in 5865767 other books more intelligent than Twilight.
b) There is no one as "perfect" as Edward which is another major point of irritation and slightly renders your argument invalid.
c) Bella's clumsiness adds to her cough endearing charm cough and made her more beloved, it didn't make people ever question her character. I still say there is absolutely nothing to Bella.

I appreciate your input but I honestly do not see the points you listed as valid. In my opinion.

I haven't read the book, but I know enough to trash it.

First of all, this crazy lady breaks a lot of lore. Everybody knows that vampires burn up in the sunlight, it's just common knowledge! Second, all vampires lust for human blood, even if they are not pure evil. And finally, eating animals does not make one a vegetarian.

And why is Jacob angsty? Wolves/werewolves are not about angst. Werewolves are about trusting their instincts, and having keen senses. Werewolves are about running around at night hunting other animals with/without your packmates, human prey or otherwise. Lycanthropy means having an angry, furry, fangy beast inside that gets out every once in a while. What separates one werewolf from the next is the degree of control over the beast.

Finally, Edward is immortal. Vampires will not die of disease or old age, but they are not immortal. They can be killed, one needs only know the proper method.

Look at the Marvel comics superhero Wolverine. He can be killed in theory, but thanks to his extreme regeneration, skills and adamantium skeleton (and the claws probably help too) such a feat has only been achieved once (in an alternate timeline), by burning all his flesh off his adamantium bones. But that's the whole point, isn't it? Since he's mortal and therefore capable of risking his life, it's still heroic for him to put himself in harm's way for the sake of others. Admittedly, this danger is all relatively insignificant to him (he can be shot in the head and hit by a truck with nothing but wounds that heal in 5 minutes or less) but then again, that's why he's a superhero, and not just a normal hero. Anyone who's observed Wolverine's character (amnesia induced by a mysterious military program, can survive almost anything, speaks 13 different languages, is over 200 years old, is a ladies' man) would agree that he may resemble some Gary Stus. Sometimes, the line between an amazing character that captures the hearts and imagination of multiple generations and inspires other significant characters (Deadpool, Maverick, Sabretooth, Project X and even DC's Lobo) and an unoriginal, washed up, stereotypical Uber Stu is very thin.

Edward crossed the line where it was thick. He can't die, he can barely suffer. He's not heroic.

In my opinion, this crazy lady should be locked up with all her money in a Swiss bank account.

Jacob – really really angsty.
LOL
I love your review. Twas a nice Christmas present as one might say? 8D

'Twilight' sends out a horrible message to the young females that read it religiously. I think that turned me off more than the mind-numbingly dull characters, rape of the thesaurus until there was nothing left of it and lack of any plot. Why couldn't it have just been on Fanfiction.net instead? Now there is a million fanfictions of 'Twilight'...D8>

Thank you for putting this out there. I've frankly been turned off to Twilight as a whole and refuse to read it. The fanbase frightened me with the sudden explosion in number and disturbing lust for the fourth book and movie. They all looked like, in obvious stereotype, a horde of teenage drooling fangirls who over-romanticize everything and anything. I saw the fandom as a disease, no offense to you or anyone else of sane mind, so I stayed away. I heard the basic plot from the media and female friends and decided to keep my distance. I've been told I shouldn't knock on it without trying and frankly, I'd rather not try. Anything that teaches girls to give up their dreams for a man (and a horrifically flat jerk-wad of one at that) is just out-right stupid. Between the Mary Sue Bella and the Annoyingly Unrealistic Diva Hannah Montana, these poor girls don't have a chance.

I might download the movie, eventually, only because I heard that the composition is done well (which has nothing to do with the characters or plot being retarded)... but that's downloading.

If I want to read vampire-smut, I'd read Anne Rice.

Agreed! Way to speak your mind, Anomaly! It's an insult to see a novel with no literary merit make its way onto the scene and grab hold of such a large population. I'm glad to see there are others out here that can distinguish good from bad writing.

I apologise for my lack of knowledge on this. I had to google to know what you were talking about and I indeed heard about it, I just never associated the movie to a book.
Hmmmm...Ya know, it does sound like a really, really bad literature and it sad to know that such a poor writing became so famous. I guess, I shouldn't bother watching the movie then which I admit when I watched the trailer on tv a sparkle of interest appeared.

I read the first book because of all the hype and because I like to form my own opinion instead of relying on others. Based on what I heard, Twilight sounded like a harlequin romance with vampires and reading it only confirmed that assessment.

I can't recall the last time I read something so mind numbingly dull since well... when I was nine and my grandmother was giving me harlequin romance novels to read. I dropped them for the same reason why I don't plan on reading the rest of Twilight.

Too boring, too predictable and utterly shallow in every respect. I kept waiting for the author to do more, and it just didn't happen. It is, as you put it, a literary joke.

I went back to reading Goodkind and Conan Doyle with great relief. I think my brain would rot from lack of stimulation if I kept reading Twilight or any book like it. XP