Thanks for the beta reading, Mimmi :D. I hardly ever get it, so it's nice to have someone check things out for me. I do have the tendency to be repetitive in my sentence structure as I'm trying to avoid super long sentences. I'm prone to go without punctuation so I'm trying to keep things snappy and concise.
I'll go back and fix things up a little and then finish up the rest of what I've written so far :3
Ahhhh, what a lovely piece of new writing from you :D It still has the "touch of Liam" but is fresh in terms of story. Me likey ;3
Just a bit of niggling from me:
"We were standing on a deserted railway station in the middle of Oregon and there wasn’t much shelter for us on the deserted platform."
Any chance you could use another wording/description for the platform? I sort of gathered it was deserted since the railway station was :p
"Every visit and she always insisted that I needed to stay. Every visit I told her that I couldn’t, not yet. I said I loved her and that I would come visit again soon. Every time I made a promise that I didn’t know if I could keep."
Hm, I'm sensing a pattern here >.> I do love the style of the sentences (short, "blocky", concise) since it really punctuates the story exquisitely. But it does promote the issue of repetition :-/ So while tying the sentences together could erase that niggle it could also (possibly) compromise the feel/intention. I am torn here! >_<
"I needed to jump just as they began to straighten out. I could make the jump and land in the busy Sydney CityRail network. No need to worry about missing the jump. I’ve made the jump before, and there’s no reason for it not to work now.
If I missed the jump, I’d miss the landing."
Jump around, jump around, jump up, jump up and jump down ♪ :x Again, same as the above text, I love what you're saying but am irked about the same word used so frequently ^.^;
..... Man, now I want moooooooore! *snuggle* ♥
Last edited by Mimmi at 1:56:33 PM CDT on June 12, 2011.
Mimmi
Otaku Eternal | Posted 06/14/11 | Reply
@liamc2:
Haha, as someone who loves to drag out sentences and pack in as much as possible into them (even if it's just fluffy nonsense) I can totally relate :p
Eagerly awaiting moar ^.^
liamc2
Otakuite+ | Posted 06/13/11 | Reply
Thanks for the beta reading, Mimmi :D. I hardly ever get it, so it's nice to have someone check things out for me. I do have the tendency to be repetitive in my sentence structure as I'm trying to avoid super long sentences. I'm prone to go without punctuation so I'm trying to keep things snappy and concise.
I'll go back and fix things up a little and then finish up the rest of what I've written so far :3
Mimmi
Otaku Eternal | Posted 06/12/11 | Reply
Ahhhh, what a lovely piece of new writing from you :D It still has the "touch of Liam" but is fresh in terms of story. Me likey ;3
Just a bit of niggling from me:
"We were standing on a deserted railway station in the middle of Oregon and there wasn’t much shelter for us on the deserted platform."
Any chance you could use another wording/description for the platform? I sort of gathered it was deserted since the railway station was :p
"Every visit and she always insisted that I needed to stay. Every visit I told her that I couldn’t, not yet. I said I loved her and that I would come visit again soon. Every time I made a promise that I didn’t know if I could keep."
Hm, I'm sensing a pattern here >.> I do love the style of the sentences (short, "blocky", concise) since it really punctuates the story exquisitely. But it does promote the issue of repetition :-/ So while tying the sentences together could erase that niggle it could also (possibly) compromise the feel/intention. I am torn here! >_<
"I needed to jump just as they began to straighten out. I could make the jump and land in the busy Sydney CityRail network. No need to worry about missing the jump. I’ve made the jump before, and there’s no reason for it not to work now.
If I missed the jump, I’d miss the landing."
Jump around, jump around, jump up, jump up and jump down ♪ :x Again, same as the above text, I love what you're saying but am irked about the same word used so frequently ^.^;
..... Man, now I want moooooooore! *snuggle* ♥
Last edited by Mimmi at 1:56:33 PM CDT on June 12, 2011.