LOLOL

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

no.

EDIT: On that note, is it sad that every time I listen to this song, I imagine that they're chanting Jaeho? :(((

Home. :(

I'm back in Chicago. Back home, and part of me still wishes I wasn't.

I find it really ironic that break has turned into something that's sort of a drag to me, and now school is what I really look forward to. Not doing papers or not sleeping because I have so much reading to do, obviously, but it's the people there who I miss already. I feel like Kenyon's home for me more than real home is.

And it's sad that I don't have a serious, clearly legit reason for not wanting to be back home, as is the case with some friends who have family issues and the like. My family is fine--I'm not really close to any of them other than my mother, but that's not really an issue. But at the same time it is, because I just feel so much more connected to people at Kenyon. Like the people there really know me. Because even though I know my sister and grandmother and everyone else in my immediate family care deeply for me, I feel like they don't really know me anymore.

I never realized how lonely most of my life was until it stopped being so. I have friends here who I could visit, but they pale in comparison to DHB or Eccentric NYer or my old roommate... and to be honest, knowing now that we were never really that close, it makes me not want to bother much with them anymore. Because they can't compare and it just makes me realize again how disconnected I am with people and how lonely I really am in Chicago.

I'm thankful that I have people I'm really close to now and I'm okay with the fact that they have their own lives outside of Kenyon and that I can't be around them all the time. I think I've done a fairly good job of trying to put my past behind me (because I had a ton of social/insecurity issues pretty much from childhood that I'm still in the process of getting over), but when I come home, it almost feel as if my past resurfaces. I do most things alone when I'm home: go to movies alone, go shopping alone, etc. and all this never bothered me before, but it does now. It sort of feels like I was in this numbed state up until this year where I would just sort of float through life, letting people flit by me without attempting to know them at all. And there's no way to fix it because really, how in the hell am I supposed to make new friends in Chicago now? Go out clubbing and hope I meet people? Hell no.

And I've realized my insecurities at home seep into my life at college. Because as much as I hate to admit it, deep down on the inside, I'm jealous of DHB's high school friends. We're really close now, yeah, but realistically speaking, the two of us have only known each other for four months. He's known his friends at home for years and years. And as pathetic as it is to think it, how important can I really be in comparison to them? I think the two of us might be closer on a one-on-one level, but still... I feel like if he really had to choose, they would be more of a priority than me. I know this wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't for the fact that I don't have anyone like that back in my home to fall back on. So as much as I love being so close to DHB, it terrifies me at the same time because I need him more than he needs me, and being that helplessly dependent on someone is scary for someone like me.

I don't know. I think I just needed to let this all out. I'll probably feel better about the home situation in a couple days.

From this point on...

I'm not seeing DHB for three weeks.

:(

I feel so co-dependent. Esp. since he loves being home, whereas home honestly tends to feel pretty bland for me these days. :(

Also: someone save me from my Econ final.

Is this really normal?

Me: Everyone thinks DHB & I are dating.
Old Roomie: Just ignore them.
Me: I know I should, but... well, I guess it doesn't help much that the two of us have been... touching each other a lot lately.
Her: Then just stop.
Me: What do you mean just stop?
Her: Well it doesn't help your case if you two keep being touchy-feely.
Me: Well yeah, but I can't just stop. I don't think it means anything. We're just really close now... Screw it. You're right, I should just ignore everyone's comments.
Her: As long as you aren't doing a lot of couple-y things like hold hands then I guess it's not even that suspicious anyway. Cause when I see people holding hands in public, then that's like a for-sure sign that they're dating for me, but if you're just hugging and stuff, then you can easily say you're just good friends.
Me: .........
Her: ........
Me: We haven't done it in public, but sometimes he does hold my hand in private.
Her: ..........

Lately I've been wondering again just what the fuck the two of us are. Is it normal for friends to be that close to each other and still really be just friends? Pathetic question, but I've never ever been this close to a person before, so I really don't know what to make of us sometimes. The sillier part of me thinks that we've pretty much turned into YunJae.

We were out until almost 6AM last night, and I saw him tipsy for the first time. Basically he just talks 2x more. Seriously, he's like a bullet train of the mouth. And he was a lot less reserved in touching me (as in leaning against my shoulder, playing with my hands, etc.) in front of people, including in front of my mentor, who kept making "you loooove him" comments henceforth.

But yeah. It was a really fun night even though I felt kind of awkward regarding some DHB stuff and being the only one who didn't drink in a room full of tipsy classmates. ^^;;

DHB: I feel like licking the snow on the ground.
Me: .....That's nice.
DHB: Let's do it!
Me: Are you crazy??
Him: Why not? Let's just do it. *kneels on the ground*
Me: omg this is so stupid. *kneels* Ack, the snow is soaking into my jeans! Let's just get this over with.
Him: Let's do it on three. 1....2.....3!
Me: *licks the ground*
Him: EWWW YOU LICKED THE GROUND YOU FREAK.
Me: I HATE YOU I HATE YOU *beats him up*

We're also planning on maybe sort of kind of heading out to New York and possibly living with Eccentric NYer for a few days during spring break for a Britney Spears concert. (FEEL FREE TO JUDGE, BITCHES.) I called my sister and mentioned it to her and she was like, "So you don't know how you'll get there, aren't sure where you're staying, and will be alone with two guys the whole time? Yeah, I don't think that'll work."

._.;;

PITFALLS OF CAPITALISM

I IMPULSIVELY USED MY DEBIT CARD TO BUY THE DONG BANG DESK CALENDAR B/C IT WAS TOO PRETTY TO RESIST. And I've seriously spent hundreds and hundreds of $$ since the start of the school on I don't even know what! I'm a piggy who can't control her consumption level and will probably go into debt one day! LIKE EVERY OTHER AMERICAN. OH GOD. IT'S ALL SO SRS.

I texted DHB after I ordered it and he was like, "...why? It'll be useless in a year YOU RETARD" and I was like, "USELESS LIKE UR FACE GTFO But it's pretty! What does practicality have in the face of prettiness?"

HE JUDGES ME. ;_________;

Oh. And I had dinner with my Econ professor last night with a couple classmates (also Asian girls, Avril included!) and she asked lots of questions about being minorities at Kenyon. xDDDD