Working through my backlog! Sorry it took me so long to get to this.
SomeGuy pretty much covered all the stylistic quibbles I had, but content-wise, I think these piece is extremely atmospheric. The narrator's nostalgia comes through wonderfully. I liked the little sarcastic bit with his daughter, and the metaphors you used in the narrative. Great work! I hope I'll get to see more from you. :D
Writing the sentences themselves was easy, but my problem laid with trying to get them to flow from one another. here were a few I had to completely rewrite because what I had created didn't seem to make any sense. Slowing down the sentences too is proving to be very difficult but I am hoping that by doing the prompts I can get into a better habit with that.
Thank you for the comment though and all the advise up until now.
Dranz
PS: On Wednesday when you did your word I was going to add, 'it is inconceivable that Magnus Lensherr shall ever master punctuation.' But thought that might be a bit too negative, and I am hoping one day to master it ~ Crosses fingers ~ Neat word though ^_^
Hehe . . . ahhh, you've come to the prompts. This pleases me . . .
As usual, from what I've seen from you, your story itself is great and you have a really good way with words and descriptions I've never doubted that. Still - heh, as you're probably already expecting from me - your stories still need a little more polish to catch little things like missing punctuation (there was a quote without a comma or period after it) and little words that don't need to be there ("It has been a two decades...).
In general, however . . . MASSIVE improvement with your sentences! Everything flows very nicely now, never feels rushed, and all in all just reads a lot more smoothly. Very nice! But you tell me, did you find they were easy enough to write without having to think too hard about it all? Just wondering how it is for you.
But yes. An absolute joy to see in this week's prompt responses!
I like how you and I took the same idea and went totally different directions with it. Your character is coming back after a lifetime away, and mine is leaving for the last time. Good spin to take.
I'm going to call you on tenses, though. =P
Your second paragraph is entirely in present tense, even though the narrator is acting and remembering and speaking to his daughter in past. Personally, I'd advise sticking to past tense for now, since the majority of fiction is written in it anyway and since present is a tricky bugger to stay in.
Trust me. I know. =P
I want to touch on something else that I thought was really cool, but could use just a minor tweak to make really cool, if'n ya catch ma drift.
It is hard not to look at the house through the eyes of my ten-year old self. To see my family gathered around the dining table for Sunday meals; to watch my brother and myself enjoying anime before we knew what it was, and to remember all the happy moments that we had there.
The repetition there was a neat effect; I used it several times in my own response. But the impact would come across even better if you made the whole thing one sentence. Right now, the second sentence is a fragment and reads funny, but if you attach it to the previous one with a comma (and alter that semi-colon to a comma as well), it'll be even better.
I'm not going to comment further on your piece, but suffice to say you're good and you know pretty much how to get the scene to lay the way you want it.
Raid Boss (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 07/23/08 | Reply
Whyyyy haven't you written a prompt before? This is good! I especially loved the way you described the house and compared it to a carcass. I thought it was a nice touch adding the kid and the mini-plot about moving in. Nice job!
NightBeck
Otaku Eternal | Posted 07/28/08 | Reply
Working through my backlog! Sorry it took me so long to get to this.
SomeGuy pretty much covered all the stylistic quibbles I had, but content-wise, I think these piece is extremely atmospheric. The narrator's nostalgia comes through wonderfully. I liked the little sarcastic bit with his daughter, and the metaphors you used in the narrative. Great work! I hope I'll get to see more from you. :D
Magnus Lensherr
Otaku Legend | Posted 07/25/08 | Reply
@SomeGuy:
Writing the sentences themselves was easy, but my problem laid with trying to get them to flow from one another. here were a few I had to completely rewrite because what I had created didn't seem to make any sense. Slowing down the sentences too is proving to be very difficult but I am hoping that by doing the prompts I can get into a better habit with that.
Thank you for the comment though and all the advise up until now.
Dranz
PS: On Wednesday when you did your word I was going to add, 'it is inconceivable that Magnus Lensherr shall ever master punctuation.' But thought that might be a bit too negative, and I am hoping one day to master it ~ Crosses fingers ~ Neat word though ^_^
SomeGuy
Canadian Liaison (Team) | Posted 07/24/08 | Reply
Hehe . . . ahhh, you've come to the prompts. This pleases me . . .
As usual, from what I've seen from you, your story itself is great and you have a really good way with words and descriptions I've never doubted that. Still - heh, as you're probably already expecting from me - your stories still need a little more polish to catch little things like missing punctuation (there was a quote without a comma or period after it) and little words that don't need to be there ("It has been a two decades...).
In general, however . . . MASSIVE improvement with your sentences! Everything flows very nicely now, never feels rushed, and all in all just reads a lot more smoothly. Very nice! But you tell me, did you find they were easy enough to write without having to think too hard about it all? Just wondering how it is for you.
But yes. An absolute joy to see in this week's prompt responses!
Allamorph
Spiritus Memorae (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 07/23/08 | Reply
I like how you and I took the same idea and went totally different directions with it. Your character is coming back after a lifetime away, and mine is leaving for the last time. Good spin to take.
I'm going to call you on tenses, though. =P
Your second paragraph is entirely in present tense, even though the narrator is acting and remembering and speaking to his daughter in past. Personally, I'd advise sticking to past tense for now, since the majority of fiction is written in it anyway and since present is a tricky bugger to stay in.
Trust me. I know. =P
I want to touch on something else that I thought was really cool, but could use just a minor tweak to make really cool, if'n ya catch ma drift.
The repetition there was a neat effect; I used it several times in my own response. But the impact would come across even better if you made the whole thing one sentence. Right now, the second sentence is a fragment and reads funny, but if you attach it to the previous one with a comma (and alter that semi-colon to a comma as well), it'll be even better.
I'm not going to comment further on your piece, but suffice to say you're good and you know pretty much how to get the scene to lay the way you want it.
Good job. (^_^)
red tigress
Raid Boss (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 07/23/08 | Reply
Whyyyy haven't you written a prompt before? This is good! I especially loved the way you described the house and compared it to a carcass. I thought it was a nice touch adding the kid and the mini-plot about moving in. Nice job!