@Miss Anonymous:

Thanks for looking it over. I've edited the post to reflect your suggestions. (After a bit of poking around, it seems that sticking "tara" onto the previous word is indeed more common.)

"Ikasareteru manma ni ugoiteru tte kanji mo" - In here I would make it "ugoiterutte" myself.

Also, any case when "tara" is in the sentence, I feel it might be better if that was attached to the word before it, such as "shitetara". I suppose it's not necessary, so change it at your own discretion.

Otherwise, I didn't catch anything major (beyond what I told you about in chat).