"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious."
| | perfectly content | |
Does it matter what I say? I can tell you all my name is Sarah Catherine,that
I'm eighteen, and my favourite colour has always been blue or yellow.
Those are only facts about myself, and yet, I always see paragraphs written as such.
I doubt it would matter at all if you knew,that I love my best friends
with everything I have.That I support my school football team, 100% and
I hate missing games. That I love the band geeks.They never get enough credit.
I could tell you I'm editor of the school paper.That I have an intense passion
for writing.Or that I'm never anywhere without my ipod.
I can inform you all that I've been in love.That my heart was once broken,
and now it's healed.I can tell you I believe in God, and know I'm going to
live forever.But do you know who I am? I can't find myself to believe you do.
Any words I write, are just that. Words on some page.It doesn't mean you
know who I am, or what I'm about. I myself am still figuring that out.
Another day is going by
I'm thinking about you all the time
But you're out there
And I'm here waiting
And I wrote this letter in my head
Cuz so many things were left unsaid
But now you're gone
And I can't think straight
This could be the one last chance
To make you understand
I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh
Cuz somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you
Will you remember me?
Cuz I know
I won't forget you
Meh, I normally hate Simple Plan, but this song, made me cry.
I'm still crying; Jake doesn't want to try. Being an ocean away is too difficult.
What the hell am I supposed to do? Forget? Move on? Heal? He ruined my healing process and my trust when he said he didn't want to try. Then he said he missed me.
I feel betrayed. I feel rejected. I feel worthless.
I am all of these things.
I wish I could say I hated him.
I wish I could say I wasn't crying.
I wish I could say I'll be okay.
I wish I could say I'm not broken.
I wish I could say I regret all of this.
But I don't hate him. I love him.
But I am crying.
I'm not okay.
I'm broken.
I regret nothing.
I wish I could say I wanted to live.
But I can't; because I don't.
Your promises whispered,
have all faded away.
Left with with you,
lost to the wind.
The way I loved,
has now been lost.
All of yesterday,
forgotten to the past.
Broken hearts,
should never be left alone.
Nothing to do,
but whisper to the wind.
No longer giving it all,
once more I leave.
Fading away,
to be lost to the wind.
The silence of forever,
leaves me today.
I can see past the future
forgotten for tomorrow.
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you
I've been meaning to write some long, insightful post, since I feel as if I never write anything with an ounce of meaning. Or anything that touches anyone, I just babble, and I feel as if I'm doing noting. I can assure you however, that post will not be today.
Please excuse my cynical mood, for those of you who'll actually read this.
Which I am assured, means only a few human beings.
I feel, quite lonely. Please don't ask why, for I don't know, and in all honesty I'd lie about it if I did. Not that I don't trust any of you, I've made it apparent that I care so much about so many people.
Hhaha. that song "Scars" just popped into my mind. "And my weakness is that I care too much." Story of my fucking life, but this isn't the purpose of this pointless post. Or is it? I just referred to this post as pointless, so perhaps I have no idea what this post is really about.
Moving on, or backwards as to why I wouldn't tell you if I knew what was bothering me.
Not that I don't trust you, but I don't trust myself. Which is completely true. Ah, now please don't feed me any lovely fertilizer about needing to trust myself, before I trust anyone else.
I trust myself enough. I however don't trust myself to talk about things that bother me.
I've lost far too many friends this way, and I refuse to go through that hell again.
le sigh I'm sorry. I guess I need a friend, who won't care if I cry talking to them, or if I have the urge to cut into my own skin, I just need someone to say they won't leave me. I need someone to tell me it's okay if I break down and admit what's bothering me.
Because guess what? I lied. I know why I'm so lonely. I miss him and I'm afraid to think about him, let alone talk about him.
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
I'm not sure if I've said this anywhere yet, but I'm out of school.
I have been for about a week, which means I've been lazy for about a week.
My grades closed after finals and I hate myself. I ended bring my GPA down from a 4.0, to a 3.8.
My parents don't care, they're just happy I'm doing well in school. But I feel like I let myself down. I could have done so much better; in Spanish I know I could have.
I hate comparing myself to anyone, but I'm doing it now. My best friend has a 5.0. Gah, one of my twin brothers, who is the same grade has a 4.0. The other has the GPA that I do, which makes me feel better, except I've always thought of him as the 'slow' twin. Ah, fml.
I feel rather foolish and sad, I haven't been talking to many people lately. I apologize for this, I can't really talk to people right now. I talk to a selective few who were there for me during the event and now. Some came after and are helping me though this. I often refer to it as my therapy in my head, how sad is that? I'm getting back into talking to others, I'm feeling better about it honestly.
My heart still hurts, oh how it hurts. But I'm fighting through this, I had a bit of a relapse a few minutes ago, and I wanted nothing more than to talk to him. I can't though, he's an ocean away, and it just isn't possible.
I find it so easy to pretend he was false, a fantasy my subconscious dreamed up to help get me through life. Sadly, a fantasy is what I wished it had been. They are so easy to forget, the pain is only there for a moment in your mind. Sometimes I pretend he was all a dream. A lovely, amazing dream that I wouldn't give anyone else. A dream that turned into a nightmare.
Sometimes though, when I have no friends around to stop me, when I don't have to pretend for anyone to be happy, I think about him. I let my mind go over everything we ever said to each other. I try to pinpoint when exactly I fell in love with him. I however have found this impossible. So I think about the promises we've made, and I wonder if he's kept any. I wonder what he's doing. Who he talks to, if he still dreams about me. Most of all I wonder if he wonders about me. I wonder if he ever really loved me.
Ah, I hadn't meant to write quite as much. Moving on.
For those of you who don't know, and for those of you who do. I'm going to England this summer. I'm very excited about this, more so than anything in my life. I'll have to fly, and I'm so afraid of heights and flying. But Jack did a huge guilt trip thing on me, so now I have to go in a plane. I mean I can't drive across the ocean; although I wish it were that simple.
I refuse to go on a ship. I outright refuse, so I kind of have to fly. I may be terrified of flying, it only doubles with ships. I watched Titanic far too many times as a child. I shall use that as my excuse anyway.
I'm leaving a day after my birthday, July twenty-first. My mum will not let me go by myself, so I'm having my friend Ali come along. We're going to get lost, spill things, get yelled at, and that's just in the Airport.
I honestly can't wait, going to England has been my dream since I was small and my
great-grandmother talked about it. Of course the England she knew was slightly different. Hahha, and she honestly didn't remember much about it. [And no, I'm not talking about the Mayflower...] She came over years later.
I'll be in England for a while. Hanging with Jack, I'm so excited I can really hug him! Seeing some sights, some forests, since I love forests. Having a very wonderful time, and taking thousands of pictures. A few weeks into August, I'll be flying back to America with Ali. Not to my home gladly, I'll be flying to Michigan and acting as mailman to Djayy. Of course she'll like seeing me, well I hope so. I won't be able to stay there long at all, I'll be flying home after a few days and starting my senior year.
Ah. Senior year, that's such a scary thought, along with being eighteen. Not knowing where I'll live for my last year of high school. College applications. Grants. Scholarships. The ACT. Pep rallies. Parties. Loves. Heartache. Yearbooks. Pictures. Saying goodbye to people I love. Moving out into the real world, no longer sheltered. Mostly the unknown scares me, the unknown is all we ever have to fear.
Oh, I'll save all of that for another time. I have a whole summer ahead of me before I start thinking about this. A whole summer to forget about my broken heart. To leave so many things in the past. I have a whole summer to make memories, that I hope I'll never regret.
Kudos if you actually read this.
I know some of us have had some tough times, and I regret this, I wish things hadn't been said, if I could take it back, however, I wouldn't. I try not to regret anything. It has helped shape us into who we are, and the people we will be. But, I want you to promise you'll always remember that I love you, whatever happens. If I talk to you in the next five minutes or never again. I want you to remember I love you. I want you to know you've made an impact on my life, and I will never forget you.
