October 12. Yeah! The date when Amerigo Vespucci discovered the continents of America… What else?... Uhmm… Ah! The birthdays of some celebrities like Hugh Jackman, Pavarotti & Rick Price.
Birthday! Yeah! Talk about birthdays! Know what?! It’s my birthday today! Know what it’s all about?!
No! You got it wrong! It’s not about gifts! Not asking for gifts! Worry not! I don’t need gifts (but always welcome & appreciated, LOL!). All I want you to do is just read this essay. Just sit down, read it, don’t skip every lines, then I’ll just leave it to you ‘bout your opinion.
Only few people (some of my friends) bother to remember my birthday so not strange for me if no one sends gifts or greetings. For 22 years, October 12 is just an ordinary day like the rest 364 days of the year.
No! Got it wrong again! This is not about bitterness of life! I swear I’m not. I’m still the happy-go-lucky guy you used to know with crazy comments & ideas!
But I got to tell something. Something what’s going on within.
How does it feel when nobody remembers your birthday? Definitely sad, of course (But it’s a mystery for me why it’s a human nature that we deny our birthday when someone asks, LOL! Why, oh why?). Not all birthdays are celebrated happy & lots of fun. Some are sad & lonely, like they just felt birthdays do not exist in their lives. And it’s not because they are not receiving gifts or greetings.
They are sad because they don’t know how to celebrate life fighting against disrespect, prejudice, hate & discrimination.
Like me.
This is how it all began.
My parents raised me in a way I always keep my feet flat on the ground. I mean, they want me to grow humble.
But I felt it was done too much.
My fathers always make me feel I never gave anything good for the family. Even my mother, she always sees my mistakes. Always find something to blame about me. But when talking about my good deeds & achievements, I never heard anything nice from her. Always no comment at all.
But ever since, I’m aware that I did my part trying hard to be a good son. I studied well, earned some academic recognitions in school, earned scholarship, did my part at home, successfully graduated in college, found a job after graduation, and shared more than half what I earn. I always wanted to believe there’s nothing wrong with me as a son but I just leave it to my parents what they think about my efforts.
But I never ask for recognitions. Not even expecting their gratitude for me. I only wish for respect & understanding, which they never gave back.
When I & my big sister are arguing about things, the conflict gets more tension & she always end up saying I’m just nothing, and don’t have the right to talk the way I’m feeling ahead of her. She used to say I only contribute a little sum of money for us, not to be proud of (I’m actually have tears in my eyes while writing this part). I was left totally heartbroken after she told me those words that cut like a knife. I really can’t believe she has accused me things I am not. I even never feel proud of myself. I just do things as long as I knew it won’t hurt or harm anybody.
From then, I turned myself into an introvert, an inferior-minded individual, a loner. But I’m striving to not live a loner’s life.
Least of my friends knew I’m in a dance troupe, joining some hip-hop or street dance competitions. We always wear a white mask or paint our faces before we perform… So now, you know where JABAWOCKEEZ copied their style, LOL (me kidding)! Like me, other members are very shy. They don’t want their friends & relatives recognize them dancing in the stage. I believe we all share the same family conflicts. We are afraid to know that our family won’t appreciate the talents we want to improve. Or worst, they might force us to stop & leave this kind of talent that they consider as unpractical.
Really, this is so true. Like my father when I was in high school. I used to join in a comics making contest in our school. I worked for this every night after doing my home works & projects. One night, I’m almost done with my comics entry when father noticed I’m still working on my drawings at 11PM. He thought I already neglected my study & just wasting time with my garbage. He suddenly grabbed my papers and teared them down into pieces. He angrily slapped my face with these pieces of papers.
The next day, I did not let him see me holding or touching any drawing materials.
Until now, no one in my parents have access to touch my artworks & my drawing materials. They haven’t seen any one of my drawings and don’t even know how many artworks I did. Also, my brothers & sisters didn’t know I have an account here in TheO (they’re not familiar in this site though).
Outside the house, my other conflict with life is the issue about my homosexuality. Yeah, I already mentioned this before in my previous posts. It’s a “me against the world’ thing for me. People tend to judge without knowing me inside.
I am beginning to develop inferiorities & self-insecurities when I see people whispering & laughing about me as a crap. I just pretend like I don’t hear or see anything but deep inside, I felt going paranoid & insane. I felt like I wanna go back to my room, lock the door, & stay alone.
Most of my fan arts I posted here were done alone in my bedroom. I just lock the door and imagine a world where no one makes fun of me. Only my sketch pad, pencils, papers, colored pencils, other drawing materials and my i-pod are with me.
Yeah! I know. Maybe, this time, you got it right! Maybe, I’m crazy, freak, out of the world, psychotic guy. Whatever!
But my artworks are products of my craziness…
And my craziness is the product of my sadness…
Therefore, my artworks came out from my sadness (Wow! LOGIC 101 (^_^?)
Can people consider this as an excuse for me?
No! Of course, not. It makes no excuses in our society’s eyes.
All of us undergo people’s judgment. Unfortunately, some of us experienced rejection for not passing the standards.
Now I understand why great talents like Mozart, Jose Rizal, Michael Jackson, Charles Chaplin & The Elephant Man suffered so much pain of sadness. Their master pieces came from loneliness.
Wicked judgmental people saw their talents, felt jealous and tried to bring them down. But instead of getting affected of these spirits of envy & hate, they just concentrated on how to use and improve their talents to do good things and make difference.
As an otaku, sometimes, I become a victim of prejudice & misunderstanding of those “very well said” normal people. Just because my interests & behavior don’t fit to the standards of the majority, they treat me like a weird, boring individual who focuses only on a single field of non-sense stuff.
Maybe, I lack the things that many people have.
But I possess things that many people don’t have.
So why create standards? It only generates isolation! What if I can’t follow these standards because it’s beyond my control? So unfair for me! I just can’t understand this. And I think I will never ever. I know I’m strange & different, but I’m harmless & lovable, only if people spend more time to know me.
But I’m not bitter at all. Yeah! I’m sad, but it doesn’t mean I will let sadness conquer my life. I’m still young and I believe I have the right to live a happy & healthy life. To be able to do this, I just draw beautiful things to my sketch pad & color them.
If it doesn’t work, I just sit down & lean on a wall and cry in silence. Friendly shoulders are welcome. (^_^v
If crying did nothing, I go out to a near store, buy favorite sweets, and enjoy my snacks. Sometimes, foods help us let go of sadness.
For my birthday wish…
I wish to improve more my talents so I can use them to promote love…
...
..
And world peace. (^_^v
*blows a candle flame over a cupcake*
I won't forget this!
My first time to experienced a cruel calamity in my life! The Storm Ketsana has almost erased our cities in our map. This storm has caused most of our streets and houses turned into Atlantis! Flood reached above men's height, many houses were drowned! In our house, flood has reached to chest.
I was not able to take photos myself in our house. My phone & camera has empty battery. There's no electricity. I just googled these pics.
My unforgettable experienced here was when I caught stranded on the road almost there in my way to our house because of this high flood. Last saturday from my work, boss already declared to us to go home. We left the office about 3pm.
After an hour waiting, there were no public vehicles driving along the streets. I decided to walk. Believe it or not, it's my sacrifice. I had walked a hundred miles!
Til I got there in a road by 6pm (almost near in our house) where cars, buses, trucks, jeepneys, and people are stranded because of the great flood. There were police and soldiers with their boats to rescue those who were left in the overpass bridge.
They also restricted the people to not pass along, or else, swim and die.
We stayed there til Sunday morning fighting for life against hunger & cold.
When electricity got back, news reported about 200 people found dead, and many are still missing because of this cruel storm.
Watch here a videoclip to see some terrible scenes of Storm Ketsana in our country.
