why I haven't online much anymore (or even noticed)
It's because band camp has started.
From 8am to 9pm...
God it's difficult,
especially because I'm marching with the Tenor Sax for the first time.
I marched with flute last year so I have to re-learn everything this year -_-
Arg,
I guess that's it.
Oh wait,
one more thing.
Reba and I are sort of fighting...
Honestly I'm thinking that I should leave her...
but I don't know..
-Questions
1) How have you been?
2) anything new?
3) Favorite color?
-My Answers
1) Good but tiering
2) I meant a New girl I might end up dating
3) Blue
-pic of the day
I hate depression!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just don't know what to do anymore
The waves of depression have returned,
even though things are going good.
I just don't get it.
why...
why am I depressed??????
I feel like bursting into tears.
I know it has something to do with Reba...
maybe it's because of my doubt in her...?
Because I just realized that Jenna also has the song "Fall for you" on her myspace so a voice in my head is screaming that Reba likes that song because of her not because of me. And that Reba really still likes Jenna and is just using me to make her jealous?
Of course ever since Jenna used me for that I've feared everyone is just using me.
I feel like Reba doesn't even want me,
that she never did.
No... that's not it,
thinking that way is like pulling a burning blanket around you.
It's comforting but painful...
If she didn't care about then I wouldn't have to face the fact that she cares for Jenna more. If I wasn't competing then I wouldn't have to face the fact that I was losing.
god damn it,
Why do I try so hard for Reba?
I just don't know anything anymore...
Maybe I never knew anything from the start...
Questions-
1) What's your favorite color?
2) Favorite song?
3) Advice?
My Answers-
1) blue and black
2) well, it was "fall for you" but now its "It's not over" by the same band
3) Psh, I can't give myself advice.
Picture of the day-
If you comment on this then you're awesome,
if not...then Rawr
So unpdates:
1) I hate the fact that I can't have music on here :(
2) I have a girlfriend now.
3) I've been waking up at 5:30 am to jog
4) I'm working at this market thingy this weekend (from 6am to 6pm) in order to fundraise for future band events
5) I start band camp on the 4th, from 9am to 9pm.... *sigh* that's going to be hard...
I guess that's it...
I hung out with Twiliwolf today.
That was fun :)
I'm a little worried about my girlfriend :(
It's like I'm the only one who sets up dates and like shows affection.
I mean she calls me hun and love and stuff but like I will send her cute little quotes and things that say things like
"lets flip a coin,
heads I'm yours, tails your mine"
but she doesn't send anything like that...
And then the issue with her ex...
I know that she still has some feelings for her, but the ex broke up with her and everything and then when Jenna (the ex) found out about e and reba she asked why we were doing this to her and and is interfering and shit....
idk, it just worries me a bit...
~Questions~
1) How's life?
2) Relationship stasis?
3) What are you currently worrying about?
~My Answers~
1) It's great
2) Taken...
3) I'm worried that she's going to break up with me....
~Pic of the day~
Just letting you all know that I'm still alive.
I'm sorry that I haven't commented on things recently, I've just been really lazy
I began my summer homework today.
You see, I have to read a book (Of Mice and Men), do a vocab packet for it and do questions for each chapter.
So, today I just finished the vocab and wrote down all the questions on a separate sheet of paper. (well, 6 different pieces of paper. One for each chapter)
I believe I've gotten an alright start on it, even if I haven't started the book yet.
I have basically fallen for Reba (AGAIN) but I'm trying my best not to go down that road (especially sense she never really liked me that way)
So, yeah... there's that.
My dad's still an alcoholic, as usual.
I've been making more and more youtube videos.
If you wanna check them out my account name is:
BehindDoorNumberOne
I guess that's it.
~Questions~
1) have you ever read "Of Mine and Men"?
2) What do you have planned for this weekend?
3) What's one thing you do when you're bored?
~My Answers~
1) No, but I'm going to.
2) Nothing yet.
3) make videos.
~Pic of the day~
I've been depressed recently.
To be honest, I'm not even sure why.
All I know is that:
1) I've been given too much alone time to think.
- Thinkings bad, very bad. I always, Always, always, find a way to hate myself.
2) I've been too isolated, too alone.
- I need someone and I need them soon. Being around friends clouds this and makes me feel less alone but right now... at times like this I need someone's arms around me.
And,
3) I'm having attacks. Of some kind. I can't put my finger on the title of it or the cause but more and more I've been having attacks. It starts off with paranoia, then I feel like I can't breath and the room gets smaller and smaller.
And I get the feeling that I Have to Get out.
I feel like if I don't then I'll lose control,
that I'll fall apart, lose all my air,
Drown.
That's it.
It feels like I am drowning.
It's happened twice today.
It's getting worse.
It started with once a week and it wasn't nearly as powerful.
Strange that it happened on the day that I actually got out. I went to the mall and the movies with friends. But then... in the movie theater... even when it was such a big room...
the guys next to me were talking. Then they sprayed something... they moved around so much..
I felt they were dangerous.
And then I felt like the walls closed in.
Like even though I was in the back row I could put my hand out and touch the screen.
Then I couldn't breath.
I had to get out. or at least move away from those guys.
So I moved next to Twiliwolf-chan.
I thought I was okay.
But then as I told her that I had a bad feeling about those guys, I had to run away.
I had to get out.
I left the theater for a few minutes.
Then just a few minutes ago it happened again.
In my own house, my own room.
I think the second one was because I had just watched
"the other berlin girl" (sp)
Even though I was already depressed.
I hate this.
What the hell is going on?
(sorry. No questions today)
-Pic of the day-
