What the hell?
I rarely write things anymore and I never add pages, so the least you can do is comment on the few things I have.
I mean, come on! I comment on everything (okay, maybe not everything)
Gah!
Anyways, As you have noticed, I don't come here much anymore.
It's just a lot less fun without all my friends and all.
School has been hell!
I like this girl, right?
Like REALLY like her,
but she is drooling over one of my other friends!
Whenever she's upset I try to comfort her, but she never lets me help her!
Today she was nearly in tears and I was really worried about her,
I asked her what was wrong but she just shook her head, so I hugged her and said that she could talk to me any time she needed to, but she basically ignored that!
It makes me feel like I might as well be dead to her.
I can't help her, no matter how much I want to, and it hurts like hell.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
Sit here and wait for her to ask for help?
Or do I push her to talk to me?
GAH!
I'm so confused.
Please, please HELP!!!!!
I'm sorry that I haven't been on recently everyone, I've been goign through a lot of shit recently. It's sort of hard to explain, but I'd like to make a list of it, if that's okay.
1) My father is sick, very sick. He's 70 years old and people (even himself) have said that he might not recover from it, this may be it for him...
2) My mother has been sick as well, she went to the doctors and is getting blood work done, it may be serious.
3) If you remember back a bit then you remember the my first girlfriend, the one who used me right? Well, she's hurt one of my friends again. All of my friends are all "First she hurt you then she hurt her! Unforgivable!" And they're picking sides and shit. The "Neutrals" and the "Against Jenna" sides. At first I was on the "Against Jenna" side, but then I realized something. This isn't anything like what happened with me. They keep saying that they were all hurt and shit when I got hurt, but that's a lie. When my friend got hurt, everyone stopped talking to Jenna, they really stood up for her. But when I was hurt by Jenna, nothing changed. Everyone was still her friend, nobody asked if I was okay, nobody asked if I wanted to talk about it. Nothing So I joined the "Neutrals". And now my friends are being little baby-cries about it.
4) Okay so you all know that me and SamuraiPanda broke up right? Then I got a girlfriend? See, the thing is, I don't really have feelings for that girl, I was planning on breaking it off with her when I got back from spring break. But because of the fact that I choose to be a "Neutral" she stopped talking to me and was a bitch to me. So I asked her for my jacket back and haven't talked to her since. It sounds really bad, but I was only goign out with her because I just needed someone's warmth. I guess you could say I was using her...
So when she ignored me, it hurt like hell. Because it hurts when the used become the using.
5) I had a band event yesterday. The senior, Jenna, who everyone was bitching about sides over, went with me. She was like "Mine!" and hugged me and shit. Then she said "...for today...?" I already knew how this would turn out. This girl is like a prostitute, she'll be with anyone if they can benefit her in some way. This was what, the third time her and I have had one of these "flings"? I knew her reasons before, but this time I didn't know what she would gain, and I really didn't care. I just needed to be wanted at the time. So I went along with it, holding hands and cuddling. But when she tried to kiss me, I stopped her. I'm not goign to kiss someone that doesn't care about me. She's the only person I've kissed so far, but I won't kiss her again. Because non of those kisses meant anything to her. So I stopped her when she tried. It was the only thing I was proud of when I got home.
6) To be honest, I don't believe in love.
I've never seen a relationship work out, so "love" seems like a faraway fairytale to me. I've seen it in shows, read about it in books, and I admit, I really wish I could have a relationship like that. But seeing my history so far, I don't think I will.
7) I'm a complete idiot and I really hate a lot of things about myself.
8) On the band event Jenna tried to get me to talk.
She could see that I wasn't happy. She told me her little sad story, and said
"Problems like that hurt to keep bottled up. I know you're afraid to open up because you think that once you do you'll be left, but nobody will leave you."
You're wrong. I think that because everyone that I opened up to has left. I thought. She was such an idiot, if she thought I was that stupid.
I told her one of my problems, and tried to make it sound as sad as I could so she wouldn't dig deeper. It worked.
The truth is, I was dieing to open up, to talk about some things. But not with Jenna. I knew I couldn't trust Jenna. The one person I wanted to talk to I could never get alone, and I wasn't about to tell my life story in front of a bunch of bitches.
9) I've decided on the one thing I'd would be happy doing forever. I want to make a living by singing. I want to join a band with a bunch of my friends and become famous. I love to sing, I write songs too. I was in a band for a while but I couldn't sing with them. Partly because I was shy, but mostly because I didn't have a clue how the harmony would go for the lyrics. But next time, I won't let it stop me. Plus now I know the other members of that band better, so it'll be easier to sing in their presence. The problem with this is the small fact that I don't think I can sing...
10) My sister was separating herself from the family. She would basically ignore us, and everyone was worried about it.
I called her and told her everything.
That my mother blamed herself for her leaving, that we missed her, that I was scared of losing her...
I explained my mother's motives as well.
I cried a lot.
But we worked things out, and understand each other more now.
Even though, no, because I cried I fell much better now.
That's the reason why I can write this now.
I didn't tell my sister any of the shit that was goign on besides the problem that concerned her.
I don't want to open up to my sister, I would feel weak.
I want to open up to my true friends. I want to know I'm strong enough to do that.
Sorry everyone, I know I've been slacking lately.
I haven't written a post for a while and I haven't been goign to many sites.
Sorry.
I haven't written any posts because there isn't much to write about. My life is pretty boring without school. I haven't been going to many sites simply because I'm lazy. (sorry)
I've also been having to take care of our new cat.
We found her on the streets and she was hurt and blind.
So we took her in ^^
Only thing is, she's sick so she's been pooping on everything T_T
I hate cleaning up after her.
We named her "Pirate" because the eye that she's blind in is closed all the time.
It's strange I actually look forward to goign back to school on Mon.
I haven't seen some of my friends fro a long time and it's boring~
I really don't have much else to say, cya~
~Questions~
1) When was your spring break?
2) When does your school start/end?
3) What's you least favorite subject?
~My Answers~
1) It was from last Friday to this Monday.
2) It goes from 8:40am-3:40pm
3) History or Algebra. They're tied.
GUESS WHAT?!
I have a kitty now!!!!! We found a homeless 5 month old near my brother's college and it was starving! We feed it and ended up taking it home. It has some sort of eye injury and is sick, but we're bringing it back to health! It's sooooo cute!
We can't keep her forever, we plan to find her a nice home after she's healthy enough. She was so nice and cute ^^ We call her "Pirate" because the eye that's injured is squinted.
Oh! guess what else?
I'm dyeing my hair!
The red part of my hair (in other words, the back part of it) is going to be Strawberry Blond!!!... I hope...
lol We'll see how it turns out, it's sitting right now.
I got to spend a good amount of time with my older siblings and my dad today!
It was fun ^^
Bad things about today were:
1) My dad was really not feeling well and could barely walk.
2) The cat pooped on my sister and I on the hour long drive from my brother's dorm to my house.
3) My sister and mom fought a lot...
4)...I was dragged into the fight.
5) I told my mom about my girlfriend and she basically said that being bi in public would ruin my reputation and that she didn't want me to do any PDA with her...not even hold hands...
6) That lead to a fight just between my mom and I.
7) It's 1:14 am right now and I have to wake up at 6:40 to go on a bus to her appointment an hour away.
8) My head itches like hell because I'm allergic to the dye. (no surprise)
I guess that's it for now, I hope you all have a nice day!!!
~Questions~
1) How was your day?
2) How perverted can you get?
3) What did you do over the weekend?
~My Answers~
1) It was a mix between worse day ever and best day of my life.
2) *evil grin* very, very, very perverted. (Just ask twiliwolf!)
3) I slept over at twiliwolf's house on Sat, and then hung out with my dad and siblings today.
Man, it seemed like it would never come, but sure enough it did! I'm officially on Spring Break! For merely a week though. lol Today was quite interesting. ^^
So even though neither of us asked each other out, I basically have a girlfriend.
She's the one I wrote about yesterday, the one that began hugging/cuddling with me yesterday.
She's really awesome, she has black hair with green bangs. She wears a lot of black but sometimes comes to school in skirts and pink and shit like that. We listen to a lot of the same music and have issues with the same people. Her parents are divorced, just like mine, but she has to change houses every now and then. (unlike me, I just live with my mom)
She's really sweet and cute.
I'll try to get a picture of her for you guys.
Her name is Marissa. 
Mine, stay away, lol.
But yeah..
I still have her jacket and she has mine :P
It was so cute, we were in Biology and we were watching a movie (well...a movie was playing) and I sit next to her, so she grabbed the legs of the chair and pulled it near hers so we could hold hands. It was so sweet. :)
But then at lunch she walk up behind me and hugged me all sweet-like.
It's funny though, there aren't really Stereotype groups at my school, but we all have little mixed groups. And until Marissa and I were going out, my friends never knew about her. She's a sort of goth/skater/punk/druggie group and I'm in a group that has like band geeks/emos group. They were all "Did she just switch here?" I was like "noooo, She's always been here."
But yeah.
I g2g now, cya~
