Yes, Kiki, it is a time jump, later in the evening, to be precise. I will be more careful how I do that next time so you aren't a tad confused. Now, on to your lovely commentary.
I don't mind the result of Raven's taking over at all. (If I dt id, I would have wrestled him out. xD or tried ) I also agree that the interaction and time with the secondary characters are a vital piece to the writing, more so in a longer story than a short one. (Which is why it is hard to find small characters in my writing. I love all the idiosyncrasies I can dredge up.) I'm glad you thought has was cute here, too. I personally thought he was being adorable.
xD I loved how you caught Edgar's presence being stated here even without him being present. Yesss, he does tend to take the stage, doesn't he? xDDD This is a Kelpie and Lydia story, so they had better be cute.
Kelpie: Lydia is always cute.
Lydia: *flustered* /// I am not.
Kelpie: *smirks*
I loved adding the lass thing between them, and that will come up again too, with more explanation to why it something special (if you haven't guessed it by then).
Finally, as to Edgar NOT putting liver into something for his rival, I really don't know ~~~
I will tryyyy to get the next part up soon. I think this chapter is more talking and action, so it will be faster to write.
*GLOMP SNUGGLEHUGGLES* THANK YOUUUUU. I love reading and rereading your commentaryyyy.
Hee hee. Yes Karmi, I can see hiiiim~
Sorry he took over some of the chapter it seems, but I always think that it's an integral part of a story for all the secondary/not-entirely-main characters to receive a few of their own scenes to... Not quite justify, but have some demonstration of how they interact with the story/characters so they don't just stay names to fill space on the page. And Raven's interaction with Lydia was cute~!
In other news, I'm slightly confused here - The beginning was a time-skip from the last chapters, yes? Oh well, it doesn't really distract much, as my brain filled in the blanks on its own, for the most part. Writing's still good, characters are still in character - even not present, Edgar was still easily identifiable as being himself xD - I didn't spot any mistakes, but then again I wasn't really looking. Kelpie and Lydia are still being too cute and now you're making me all excited for the next chapter and Edgar don't be a dink and sneak liver in there again you cheater >I
Long comment is long, so I think I'll sign out here while waiting for the next bit!
I'm sorry that I haven't replied to your WONDERFUL comment yet. Busy busy busy. Reading this comment really made me happy. So many compliments and I love it when someone catches the little pieces that bring the scene to life. I had fun with the choppy sentences creating more tension. I have to admit that I like both pairings, too, hence why there is both in this fan fiction. I don't think you can really tell one without the other at this point in the actual story. (Now, if I was to go back to when Kelpie first met her, *grins* that is a WHOLE different matter and worth some time writing down, maybe as a different story though) I will do my best to get Raven into this next chapter.
Also, side note, it is not really clear what the difference is between the two. I use it like this. The Fae or Faerie are the whole collection of magical beings, including the Kelpies and faerie cats. The fairies are the fairy people that serve the Queen Titania.
Sorry if that is confusing still.
Thank you again so much for your dedicated review, Kiki. Many glomps your way *Huggleglomps*
Okay! Well, this was considerably shorter than the first part, but that's not important. What's important is that again, I loved it!
It was way more serious than the first part too, and I think with all the avoidance and choppy sentences when Annette was getting on Lydia's case about Kelpie's feelings it really solidified a tense atmosphere.
I liked the fight scene: It wasn't too long, and yet, it definitely showed the cousin's relationship - They butt heads, violently, and neither one is willing to back down. At the same time, it was similar to 'like' forces clashing just because they're too similar, because after the fight it didn't seem like a big deal to either party.
I dunno which pairing I like better now though. Edgar and Lydia, or the Kelpie and Lydia. I guess they both have their upsides, although you write the Kelpie so well... Anyway, I won't get into a pairing war.
I'm curious about your use of both 'Faerie' and 'Fairy'. Is there a reason for that? Anyway, I love it, again!
I wasn't looking for grammar and spelling this time, but I think perhaps it could use a quick skim for some double-checking and yeah.
~Kiki
Ps: Raveeeeennnnnn D: *Was looking forward to him showing up*
Last edited by Sukikisu at 7:54:07 PM CDT on March 15, 2012.
*purrs with all the commentary* I love making my *couphs* victims *couphs* audience devour the story or in this case the chapter. Thank you very much for all the details you caught. I'm more than glad that the characters are spot-on so far. Hopefully, it continues to be that way, and I will try to provide more Raven soon. You'll laugh even more at the Kelpies later. *evil grin* though maybe more at Edgar.
Thank you for spotting those mistakes , too. Ooops ^^;;
Well, first things first: I am loving this story so far (Like you said, I devoured it; I even went through it twice)
L for laughter is right! It might not always be Laughing-My-Head-Off funny, but the humour is hidden in there - at least to me - and it's making it subtle and causing me to smile all the way through.
The characters seem pretty spot-on so far (I hope Raven shows up more!) and the relationship between the Kelpies is pretty hilarious. Maybe that's only because that's how I sometimes get along with my own family >>;;
Onto the next bit: I wasn't really looking for spelling or grammar mistakes, but I did manage to find two as I skimmed.
1) Last paragraph of the 2nd page, it's 'Nice' instead of 'Nico'
2) After the Kelpie has run away, looking particularly green xD
"Ah, too bad, he left one liver piece left." Just remove the 'left' at the end? (Or not, my grammar makes english teachers cringe.)
Well, that's all I can think of at the moment,
~ Kiki
Last edited by Sukikisu at 12:57:24 AM CDT on November 1, 2011.
Karmira
The Dreamer (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 07/13/12 | Reply
@Sukikisu:
Yes, Kiki, it is a time jump, later in the evening, to be precise. I will be more careful how I do that next time so you aren't a tad confused. Now, on to your lovely commentary.
I don't mind the result of Raven's taking over at all. (If I dt id, I would have wrestled him out. xD or tried ) I also agree that the interaction and time with the secondary characters are a vital piece to the writing, more so in a longer story than a short one. (Which is why it is hard to find small characters in my writing. I love all the idiosyncrasies I can dredge up.) I'm glad you thought has was cute here, too. I personally thought he was being adorable.
xD I loved how you caught Edgar's presence being stated here even without him being present. Yesss, he does tend to take the stage, doesn't he? xDDD This is a Kelpie and Lydia story, so they had better be cute.
Kelpie: Lydia is always cute.
Lydia: *flustered* /// I am not.
Kelpie: *smirks*
I loved adding the lass thing between them, and that will come up again too, with more explanation to why it something special (if you haven't guessed it by then).
Finally, as to Edgar NOT putting liver into something for his rival, I really don't know ~~~
I will tryyyy to get the next part up soon. I think this chapter is more talking and action, so it will be faster to write.
*GLOMP SNUGGLEHUGGLES* THANK YOUUUUU. I love reading and rereading your commentaryyyy.
Sukikisu
Senior Otaku | Posted 07/06/12 | Reply
Hee hee. Yes Karmi, I can see hiiiim~
Sorry he took over some of the chapter it seems, but I always think that it's an integral part of a story for all the secondary/not-entirely-main characters to receive a few of their own scenes to... Not quite justify, but have some demonstration of how they interact with the story/characters so they don't just stay names to fill space on the page. And Raven's interaction with Lydia was cute~!
In other news, I'm slightly confused here - The beginning was a time-skip from the last chapters, yes? Oh well, it doesn't really distract much, as my brain filled in the blanks on its own, for the most part. Writing's still good, characters are still in character - even not present, Edgar was still easily identifiable as being himself xD - I didn't spot any mistakes, but then again I wasn't really looking. Kelpie and Lydia are still being too cute and now you're making me all excited for the next chapter and Edgar don't be a dink and sneak liver in there again you cheater >I
Long comment is long, so I think I'll sign out here while waiting for the next bit!
~Kiki
Bleachic
The Advent Angel (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 06/21/12 | Reply
LOLOLOLOL XDDD
Cute Rating, amica <333
Karmira
The Dreamer (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 03/15/12 | Reply
@Sukikisu:
Dear Kiki,
I'm sorry that I haven't replied to your WONDERFUL comment yet. Busy busy busy. Reading this comment really made me happy. So many compliments and I love it when someone catches the little pieces that bring the scene to life. I had fun with the choppy sentences creating more tension. I have to admit that I like both pairings, too, hence why there is both in this fan fiction. I don't think you can really tell one without the other at this point in the actual story. (Now, if I was to go back to when Kelpie first met her, *grins* that is a WHOLE different matter and worth some time writing down, maybe as a different story though) I will do my best to get Raven into this next chapter.
Also, side note, it is not really clear what the difference is between the two. I use it like this. The Fae or Faerie are the whole collection of magical beings, including the Kelpies and faerie cats. The fairies are the fairy people that serve the Queen Titania.
Sorry if that is confusing still.
Thank you again so much for your dedicated review, Kiki. Many glomps your way *Huggleglomps*
Sukikisu
Senior Otaku | Posted 02/18/12 | Reply
Okay! Well, this was considerably shorter than the first part, but that's not important. What's important is that again, I loved it!
It was way more serious than the first part too, and I think with all the avoidance and choppy sentences when Annette was getting on Lydia's case about Kelpie's feelings it really solidified a tense atmosphere.
I liked the fight scene: It wasn't too long, and yet, it definitely showed the cousin's relationship - They butt heads, violently, and neither one is willing to back down. At the same time, it was similar to 'like' forces clashing just because they're too similar, because after the fight it didn't seem like a big deal to either party.
I dunno which pairing I like better now though. Edgar and Lydia, or the Kelpie and Lydia. I guess they both have their upsides, although you write the Kelpie so well... Anyway, I won't get into a pairing war.
I'm curious about your use of both 'Faerie' and 'Fairy'. Is there a reason for that? Anyway, I love it, again!
I wasn't looking for grammar and spelling this time, but I think perhaps it could use a quick skim for some double-checking and yeah.
~Kiki
Ps: Raveeeeennnnnn D: *Was looking forward to him showing up*
Last edited by Sukikisu at 7:54:07 PM CDT on March 15, 2012.
Karmira
The Dreamer (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 02/16/12 | Reply
@:
Thank you ^^ And don't worry. It will be here. Thank you for telling me.
Karmira
The Dreamer (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 11/07/11 | Reply
@Sukikisu:
*purrs with all the commentary* I love making my *couphs* victims *couphs* audience devour the story or in this case the chapter. Thank you very much for all the details you caught. I'm more than glad that the characters are spot-on so far. Hopefully, it continues to be that way, and I will try to provide more Raven soon. You'll laugh even more at the Kelpies later. *evil grin* though maybe more at Edgar.
Thank you for spotting those mistakes , too. Ooops ^^;;
Sukikisu
Senior Otaku | Posted 11/01/11 | Reply
Well, first things first: I am loving this story so far (Like you said, I devoured it; I even went through it twice)
L for laughter is right! It might not always be Laughing-My-Head-Off funny, but the humour is hidden in there - at least to me - and it's making it subtle and causing me to smile all the way through.
The characters seem pretty spot-on so far (I hope Raven shows up more!) and the relationship between the Kelpies is pretty hilarious. Maybe that's only because that's how I sometimes get along with my own family >>;;
Onto the next bit: I wasn't really looking for spelling or grammar mistakes, but I did manage to find two as I skimmed.
1) Last paragraph of the 2nd page, it's 'Nice' instead of 'Nico'
2) After the Kelpie has run away, looking particularly green xD
"Ah, too bad, he left one liver piece left." Just remove the 'left' at the end? (Or not, my grammar makes english teachers cringe.)
Well, that's all I can think of at the moment,
~ Kiki
Last edited by Sukikisu at 12:57:24 AM CDT on November 1, 2011.