And with that, I was shooed away. I waved goodbye with one finger, the epitome of classy. Time to get groped by security. The large, semi-threatening security guard walked towards me as I headed over. He motioned for my bag. Bye bye laptop. Reluctantly, I handed over the duffel. Good thing I had hidden my vitals in my unmentionables.
“Please step over here.” He said, pointing towards a metal detector and a frisker. Shit. I walked towards the frisker and stood, legs apart and arms open like I was ready to fly. He Slowly followed the curves of my body and then back up the inside of my legs. He paused up there, feeling the phone. Mother.
“And what would this be?” He asked.
I squirmed away, winging it. “Look, buddy. I don't ask you when you have a hard on, that's a guy thing.” I pronounced the last two words more, hoping he would catch on. “And some days you are harder than others.”
He blanched, no doubt he had no idea what a pad looked like, the three dimensional one, anyway.
“I see.” He said, definitely new to his job. Moron. Well, I had a thin phone anyway. It's not like he felt something the size of a brick and bought it. He then went the length of my arms and said to move on to the metal detectors. I knew they were going to beep, already had my story. There was a fifty percent chance of a strip search, but if there was, I was screwed either way. Because that meant I would be in the danger to self and others level III or something. DSO III. Very schmancy. It beeped and the two men rushed towards me. I had my hands up. "Relax, gentlemen. You two are not making things very easy to explain to, what with feeling me up and all, but I can assure you the metal parts that went off were completely harmless."
“Enlighten us.” The threatening one said, leaning in, daring me to lie to him. Which I did.
“If you must know...” I trailed off, waiting for them to make me tell.
“We do. We just have to know.” He said with mock urgency. I do believe the jolly green giant was making fun of me.
“It's my...bra clasp. And I have matching undergarments. If you catch my drift.”
“We are going to have to make you prove it, kid.” JGG said, ushering me to a room with no windows and a door. The strip search room. This was a high end, top notch sort of place. Run by the freaking government. JGG just stood there, expectantly.
“A little privacy would be nice.” I hinted. I had already lost the game anyway, I just didn't want them to know.
“You don't have privacy here.” He stated simply.
I crossed my arms and stared at him defiantly.
“Three things. One: I have seen people naked before-”
“Who, your mother?” I interrupted.
“Two:Your clothes are going to come off and we will search them and you. And three: if you don't start, I'm going to have to do it for you.” He sneered the last statement. JGG was no more. From now on, he was PGG – Pissy Green Giant.
His words had got me going though, layer by layer everything came off. He picked up my phone and smiled.
“What do we have here”
“My top of the line, new style pad.”
He slid it into his pocket. He noticed the shine of my iPod, picking it up and dropping it into his scrubs as well. Damn.
“Is this all?”
“Yeah.” I said, deflated. No contact with the outside world. No music. I was going to go crazy. Correction: I was going to go craziER.

It was going to take a while for them to search everything I had, so I was issued some thin hospital gown thing with no bra, no underwear, and lead down a hallway feeling very violated. I wasn't all 'ABSTINENCE! NO SHOWING BODY PARTS OR FACE THE WRATH OF GOD AND THE PAIN OF THE DEVIL!' or anything, but I was in a mental institution. Who knows what could go down.