...got it right: "Death, they say, acquits us of all obligations."
Seriously, if anyone knows any clean, painless methods of suicide, feel free to make a suggestion. Out of all the times I've contemplated it, I think I'm finally there. Honestly, it seems like people would be so much better off without me. If I'm really that much of a burden, if making all of those sacrifices bothers you so much, if I didn't turn out the way you planned, if everything I do is disrespectful, everything I say is wrong, and nothing I do is good enough, then maybe you'd be better off if I wasn't here. I'm sorry if what I'm expecting of you is too much, but I never asked for you to go above and beyond anything. We could be living on the streets, and I wouldn't care, as long as you told me you loved me every day. If you really think that having a good education made me this way, then maybe you should listen to me more closely, and you'd see that's absolutely ludicrous. You say that I don't care about the sacrifices you made. If I didn't care, then I wouldn't have a 100 plus GPA in school, and I would be working to be the best at everything I do. I appreciate EVERYTHING you've done for me, and apparently the things I do to show it aren't good enough. Okay, so I almost never get the laundry done on time. Okay, so I don't drop everything I'm doing to fulfill your latest command. Okay, so I don't meet your expectations. I'M SORRY. Obviously we've been expecting too much from each other. But you need to acknowledge your shortcomings as well, and saying, 'I'm not perfect' doesn't count. You have a tendency to be hypocritical, saying that I'm disrespectful while you throw temper tantrums because I've done something wrong. You say I'm distant, when distance is the only way I can preserve my sanity. You say you have to run away sometimes to preserve your own sanity while telling me that my way of preserving mine is wrong. I can't run away like you can; I can't just jump in a car and drive. I have to maintain a certain degree of distance otherwise I'll be in the situation I am now: I care too much. And when you care too much, you get hurt. And I'm tired of being hurt. I have to maintain my distance from reality; it's for my own sake. And when you get to the bottom of it, we're human beings. Animals. Self-preservation is in our genes. And if that means suicide, then so be it. I'm not going to suffer needlessly if I'm causing so much trouble to others by doing so. And I hate to sound like a typical teenager, but I'm really at my rope's end here. I have no one to turn to, no one to talk to, because no one will listen and understand. Nothing except for the fake reality I've created in my head, and even that can only go so far. When you can't even talk to the person that you have the problem with, where do you go?
Despairingly yours,
Kimberly
