5 meters! That is all that Choji had to climb! His vision was blurry, but he could distinguish the HardcoRedTM color of his bag of Volcano Barbeque potato chips from the blue of the sky and the white of the clouds.
“….and after the casualties started reaching into the thousands, they had to call in 336 S-ranked rogue ninja, 212 samurai sword saints and 987 pirates to stop his bloodbath.”
“Wow. All that because he got a splinter in his groin?”
“Yeah. The overpowering rage caused by a splinter in the groin can turn even a mentally handicapped obese midget with absolutely no training whatsoever into a relentless killing machine.”
“So that’s why they passed that act that made all shinobi wear cups at all times!”
“Yes, the Protect Your Nuts At All Costs Act. The post-mortem examination said it could only happen again if the sliver hit a specific nerve in the scrotum, but who’s going to take that chance? I mean, what if it wasn’t a mentally handicapped obese midget with absolutely no training whatsoever? What if it had been a kage? All the S-ranked rogue ninja, samurai sword saints and pirates in the world might not even be enough!”
The bag was almost in his grasp! With one final heave, Choji lunged up and grabbed his precious bag. He had done it! He had triumphed over the tree, over gravity, over the sweltering heat, over the hornets, over every obstacle laid in his path! Although his brain was drowsy from the heat and his thoughts slow, there lay deep within his mind a great festival of triumph! But alas, the heat had also taken a toll on his body…….
“So, if I sacked you right now…..”
“It would hurt like hell but the family jewels would stay intact.”
“Care to test that theory?”
Shikamaru sighed and shook his head. “Y’know, before the whole splinter incident, they were already discussing the Protect Your Nuts At All Costs Act because of crazy chicks like you that want to go around castrating men with their feet for no reason. The splinter incident really just pushed it forward a few months.”
Temari’s brow began to furl. “I’m not interested in castrating you with my foot.”
“Sure, but you admit that you don’t need a reason….”
In a state of blissful ignorance and utter physical exhaustion, Choji released his grip on the tree and fell gently like a leaf to the ground.(In his point of view, anyways. Any one else would have said he dropped like a rock)
“ADMIT?!?!”
“You didn’t deny it. That’s the same as admitting it in this ca-.”
The next moment, he was beneath Choji, accompanied by a loud THUNK! Flat on his back, Shikamaru flailed his arms in a desperate attempt to get his dazed friend off him. Temari laughed. “What good’s your cup doing you now?”
Humiliated, Shikamaru thought up something witty to regain his dignity. “It’s broken. Get me away from all this wood before I turn into a relentless killing machine.”
She laughed harder and pushed Choji off him. “That’ll be the day.” She deftly tugged the bag from the hands of the chubby shinobi, eyeing the price tag. “Woah. You weren’t kidding when you said these were overpriced.”
“Temari……”
“What is it now, crybaby?”
“I can’t move my legs.”
She was taken aback. “What?”
“Yep. Definitely can’t move them.”
She dropped her fan and the bag, rushing over to the injured Shikamaru. By this time, Choji had begun to regain consciousness and sat looking around him aimlessly. The fall had done some temporary damage to his perception. Temari kneeled down, desperately whacking Shikamaru’s knee. But alas, no reflex. Despair began to set in. Temari picked up the bag. “All this…..for a tiny bag of overpriced potato chips.”
Choji eyed his potato chips. In someone else’s hands. Just as pressure builds in a boiling pot as the water turns to steam, so did the rage swell in Choji. With a battle cry echoing the roar of a very large and angry bear, Choji grabbed Temari’s leg and bashed her spine against the tree. A loud crack sounded.
“AAAIIGH!!! CHOJI! WHAT THE FU-”
He held her upside down, shaking her side to side until she let his precious bag go. Upon seeing the red bag fly out of her hands, he leased his grip and chased after them.
Temari landed on top of Shikamaru, face down. His face lightened up with shock and delight. But she didn’t bother to notice. She moaned and felt her legs. She felt nothing. “Great.” She sighed, “Welcome to Paraplegicville, Population: 2.”
“Well, actually, I’m not paralyzed from the waist down. Just my legs.”
“And all we’ve got to carry us back to civilization is that fat oaf!”
Choji held the tiny chip bag high above his head and shouted triumphantly before tearing the top open. He reached inside and pulled out a single chip. He ran it under his nose, gingerly sniffing it. Then, like a frog catching a fly, it quickly disappeared into his mouth. A look of enlightenment came over his face as the potato chip magically reversed all the damage climbing the tree had done to his brain, and he plopped down, dazed and happy.
“Oh, now he’s just gone retarded!” Temari buried her face in Shikamaru’s flak jacket, punching the ground as she cursed. “Damnit damnit damnit!”
Shikamaru, who for one could appreciate the situation, tried to subdue her rage. “We’re not blind. At least we can still go cloud-watching.”
“You’re getting desperate, Nara.” She murmured bitterly.
“Well, I’m just saying, even if this is something Tsunade can’t fix, intellectual pursuits aren’t out of the question.”
She shifted her head to one side. “You and your stupid clouds.”
“I was actually talking about Shogi, but now than you mention it….” Suddenly possessed by a strange impulse, Shikamaru slid his hands to Temari’s hips. “I’m pretty sure that I’d be seeing some good ones right now if it wasn’t for these damn trees.”
“Yeah. I’ll bet you could.”
She sighed and relaxed, lowering her guard to simply savor the moment. Temari was completely unaware of what Shikamaru’s hands were doing to her bottom.
Choji, who had finished his chips (as said before, it was a tiny bag) on the other hand, had. And he thought it was kind of funny. He chuckled at first, expecting Temari to smack Shikamaru across the face at any moment. Then he remembered she couldn’t feel anything from the waist down. He chuckled harder.
Shikamaru demonstrated a variety of butt groping techniques. Some could’ve found a home in a massage parlor. The rest would belong in a softcore porno. After 5 minutes, Choji couldn’t suppress his laughter, try as he might. It came out as a dry cackle. It made Shikamaru shudder.
This time, Temari clued in. She turned her head to Choji. “What’s so funny?”
Choji shook his head and put his hands up. “Nothing.” He managed to chortle out between his bouts of laughter.
Disturbed, Temari turned her head back, wondering what Choji was laughing at. Shikamaru relaxed again. The danger was past. He resumed his handiwork. Temari suddenly felt deeply violated.
Choji burst into full laughter when Temari ripped Shikamaru’s hand off her butt.
“AHA! Think you can sneak a little ass squeezing off me, you perverted little rat?”
“Oh, you don’t know the half of it!”
Temari turned to Choji, while Shikamaru desperately tried to slip out of her grasp. “What?”
“He…..he……” Choji had trouble talking through all the laughter. Temari let go of Shikamaru’s hand. He wriggled harder. Choji was a two edged sword right now. If he distracted her long enough, Shikamaru might escape. But if he didn’t he was only worsening the verbal (and probable physical) abuse she was going to give him. “He’s been on your ass for quite some time now!” He laughed, leaning forward to keep his guts from splitting open.
“WHAT?”
“He really went to town on your ass, Temari! The first few moves made him look like a masseuse!” He made hand motions indicating what Shikamaru had done. “And as for the rest, I don’t know what porno he got them from, but I wish he’d let me see them!”
“WHAT?!?!?” She turned to Shikamaru, who had almost pulled himself free. She grabbed his throat and pulled herself back on top of him. “YOU DIRTY SEX WEASEL!!!!!” Choji fell flat on his back, laughing louder than ever. “GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON I SHOULDN’T TAKE YOUR EYEBALLS OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS RIGHT NOW!”
Shikamaru sighed. His first instinct was to say that ‘Lust is the hardest sin to conceal’. But that wouldn’t get him anywhere.
“You couldn’t feel it. I didn’t think you would care. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“YOU DIDN’T THINK I WOULD CARE THAT MY ASS WAS BEING PLAYED WITH LIKE ONE OF YOUR DAMN RUBIX CUBES??!!?!?!?!??! I DON’T KNOW WHAT SORT OF WOMAN GOT YOU THINKING LIKE THAT, BUT SHE SHOULD BE THE LEGLESS ONE, NOT ME!”
Choji’s laughter began to weaken. He was starting to tire. “Please, stop her Shikamaru, she’s killing me…..”
“Temari, you’re not legless…”
“Oh, what do you know about it?!?”
Shikamaru sighed. Time to take the plunge.
“I know that you know exactly half of ‘it’.”
Temari’s mind, racing with countless nasty things to call Shikamaru, grinded to a halt. “Half?” If her ass getting the porn star massage was one ‘half’, what could the other half be? Shikamaru’s hands were behind his head and dry as far as she could she. He wasn’t giving her a finger job while she wasn’t looking. Hell, even she could’ve felt that. “What’s the other half?” But he could be using one of his kage jutsus! She glanced at her backside. No shadow hands had taken over where he left off. “What’s the other half?” The strengthening desperation was beginning to show in her voice. Cameras! There were cameras somewhere! Her head darted back and forth, trying to find them. They were nowhere to be found! “Damnit Shikamaru, what the other half?”
Shikamaru smiled as the woman grew increasingly frantic. He answered her questions with silence, his smile revealing that she had lost the game. Hail, Shikamaru! The sloth king of mind games! He had taken a big risk, but now he’d be fine. This woman would be under his power as long as she didn’t figure out that right now he had a massive-
Choji suddenly leapt back on his feet. “I KNOW WHAT IT IS!”
Shikamaru slapped his head. “Damnit Choji! Don’t tell her what it is!”
“No! Tell me! I want to know!”
Choji smiled wickedly. “That’s not a kunai in his pants….. He’s just happy to see you!”
Shikamaru cringed, waiting for the verbal cruelty to begin. But miraculously, Temari did not pick up on Choji’s lewd hint. “What?”
Choji was confused. How could she not understand? “Um…..Shikamaru has wood?”
Temari looked at Shikamaru. He didn’t have any wood in his hands. A really worried expression on his face, but no wood. “What?”
Now Choji felt insulted. “THERE IS A SNAKE IN SHIKAMARU’S PANTS THAT IS DESPERATELY TRYING TO GET INTO YOUR SKIRT!!!!”
“SNAKE? SNAKE?!?!?!” Temari began thrashing about wildly, falling off Shikamaru, trying to find the ‘snake’ Choji was referring to. “SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!!!! WHERE’S THE SNAKE?!?! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!!
Shikamaru wiped the sweat from his brow. He was extremely fortunate that Temari hadn’t seen through Choji’s blatantly obvious innuendos. But he wasn’t willing to push his luck any farther. “Choji, I think it’s time you took us to a hospital.”
“Yeah, I guess.” Choji dejectedly sighed, picking up Temari’s fan.
“WOAH! WAIT! I still don’t know what the other half is.”
“We’ve already told you. Just think it out.”
“What is this? Some sort of twisted inside joke between you two?”
Shikamaru rubbed his face as Choji picked both of them up. “Better run, Choji. I don’t want to be near her when she figures this out.”
“Neither do I, my friend, neither do I.”
Choji began to whistle the bawdy tune of Where the Shinobi Aren’t as he carried them both out of the forest.
