Weekend VS School

Normally there is no comparison between school and a weekend. You want to be home. You want to be home to the point of pain. But for me, when I find myself home I find myself cursing my life.

We have done NOTHING today. The highlight of this Saturday is the 'House' Marathon on USA. Which I haven't seen much of. Since it's Football Season Dad's been parked in front of the TV almost all day. He did some work around the house, but for the most part it's been football galore.

Better yet, my sister has been on the phone for the past... 2-3 hours. Mom hasn't woken up yet, and for once I'm looking forwards to that. If she wakes up then she'll schedule my hair appointment so I can finally get that haircut I wanted to give to myself but am not allowed to.

Dinner is frozen spaghetti and sauce. It's been in the freezer for roughly three weeks, probably a lot longer. We're warming it up and then we're gonna eat it while salivating over ourselves for boredom. I CAN'T HANDLE IT.

At least in school then we have something to freaking do. Instead Dad's been nagging me all day to do this worthless shit that will not and never will benefit me. Fun fun!

I guess I'm really just pissed because I'm tired. School's worn me out totally. I'm getting good grades and all but it's not that easy. I'm tired and I've had the same headache for ages. My parents seem to have lost interest in me again, so I'm now a child of inconvenience to them. For a while they were interested in my school life, but now they've forgotten how to care. I come home and rest for a while and then unload the dishwasher and clean the kitchen. Dad comes home and talks to Mom. He only does work when Mom calls the house from her bedroom and tells Dad to do something for her. Her broken leg means that she does nothing any more. She's in her room smoking almost all of the time. Can you say, 'Itself is in charge'?

My kid sisters don't listen to me at all, but I have to try and get them to do SOMETHING. Mostly they just tell me to shut up, but they play almost all day. They're homeschooled and they don't do school on Friday, clean their shit up, or do as they're told for even three seconds. It always makes the headache I get at school worse.

School is actually a lot better than being home. The exhaustion numbs me to pain, physical or mental. The classes are mindless enough to kill my brain cells slowly but interesting enough to keep my mind off of my home life. It's the perfect combination of beautiful painful spiritual purification and monotony. In other words I love it. Coming home is usually when my day takes a nose dive.

But I can cope. I think. If I just get some more sleep and stop stressing over all the shit I can't change my life will reverse itself. I know that for a fact. But I'm so used to being the only adult in the house it's hard for me to let go of my worries. I'm always thinking, 'I'm gonna have to clean all this up' or 'do we have any food to eat or money to buy food with?' I can't help it any more; it's my typical mental reaction. Surrendering control is hard. I always think 'Oh, I have to do all this crap.'

It's something I need to improve on, and I'll admit that.

Well, I've gotta go.

Sincerely,
Sophie AKA Itself