Over the years it slowly transformed into a feeling of being worthless because I translated being incapable of seeing my future, despite having reached the necessary awareness to make a choice, into meaning there was nothing more to me. Had I deluded myself all this time into thinking it was a question of maturity when in reality it boiled down to skill and achievement? It disheartened me to the point that I lost all enthusiasm for school, which was supposed to be the railroad to a career, and quite a bit of my self-esteem.

Following a period of time in which it must've seemed like I was floating about more or less aimlessly, I managed to shrug away most of the pressure that came from the notion of needing to dictate 10+ years of life in advance. In this temporary respite it dawned on me that I'd invested far too much energy on finding a career path in life and completely ignored my personal growth. So instead of continuing to drown under the weight of lacking direction I began to devote my time into starting over. To be able to launch a future you do need a foundation, after all.

Through my father I was able to acquire a paper district. Whereas it had been hard to head to school at 8.30 am and sit in a chair for a couple hours I had no issues getting up at 3 am to bike around town with a heavy load of freshly printed news papers. Additionally I interned at a toy store and a video store, taking only one small class of interest on the side. I thoroughly enjoyed working. Such a small thing as making sure people got their news paper in the morning or had their gift nicely wrapped filled me with pride.

However, a misfortunate event threw a wrench into happiness, threatening to undermine my budding development. While this put me back to square one again the aftermath and consequent rebuilding of my life produced interesting revelations. Among those the absence of career ambitions in me. It also forced a re-evaluation of my disdain towards academics.