Part 2: Mello - Konstantine
I can't imagine all the people that you know,
And the places that you go,
When the lights are turned down low,
And I don't understand all the things you've seen,
But I'm slipping in-between
You and your big dreams,
It's always you, in my big dreams.
---
I felt cold as I walked away through the white snow, with my back turned to the gates of Whammy’s Orphanage.
I was finally leaving my home; the place I grew up, the place that saved me, the place where I met Matt. L was dead. I couldn’t stay. I didn’t delay with goodbyes. They would be too difficult.
I felt as if the empty windows in the front of the house were watching me, as if they were eyes.
I tried to be strong; I tried to hold back the tears as I walked away. I couldn’t let this place see me weak. I will not let this place see me weak. I whispered to myself angrily.
I climbed into the train carriage and looked for a seat. I sat down, and looked away from the laughing group of people opposite me. They reminded me of what I was now; alone.
I closed my eyes wearily, and let the tears escape my from under my eyelids. Soon they were streaming down my face and I let out silent sobs. I have to do this. I just have to. I’m sorry Matt. I could feel eyes on me, the laughter of the group on the other side of the carriage aisle had ceased. I looked up, my eyes bloodshot and my face soaked in tears. I tried to sound angry, “What. What do you want?” but it all came out in a choked whisper. They were silent. I turned away and buried my face in my hands. I must be strong. I whispered to myself, over and over. I must be strong for Matt.
And you tell me that it’s over,
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers,
And you’re restless, and I'm naked,
You've gotta get out,
You can't stand to see me shakin,'
No, could you let me go?
I didn't think so.
---
I’ve found you, Mello.
I threw aside the rubble as fast as I could. The sharp scraps of metal glinted cruelly as the knife-like edges sliced through my hands. I paused as I watched the blood slide from the wound. I was bleeding; but the wound was less pain than the hurt I’d felt over these five years. But I must continue. I worked frantically, until. Until, I found you. Lying underneath the huge mound of the building you just blew up. Bruised, scratched, your dirtied, burned face dripping with blood. I pulled you out and picked you up in my arms. With one arm under your shoulders and the other under your knees, I carried you back to my car. I laid you down carefully in the back seat, and strapped you in. I climbed into the driver’s seat and turned to look at you. I let the tears run as I saw your broken body. I will mend you. I will save you.
I looked down at my torn and bleeding hands. Even when I find you, it still hurts me.
I laughed nervously to myself, despite the situation.
---
And you don't wanna be here in the future
So you say the present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past,
And you don't wanna look much closer,
Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope,
You had sent into the sky, by now, had, crashed.
And it did because of me.
Golden sunshine flooded the room as the curtains were opened, bathing the room in warmth.
My eyelids felt heavy as they fluttered open. I looked up to see someone standing at a window, looking at me. Beams of sunlight bounced around the figure silhouetted against the shining curtains, the radiant glow around them resembling that of an angel. Auburn hair flashed as they cocked their head at me. Emerald green eyes glinted as they looked into mine.
“M-Matt?”
A small smile spread across his face.
And then you bring me home,
Afraid to find out that you're alone, oh,
And I'm sleeping in your living room,
But we don't have much room to live,
“Mels.”
“W-where am I, Matt? Am I dead?”I whispered.
“No, silly. This is my apartment.” Matt said gently.
“Oh.”
“You almost killed yourself.”His quiet voice trembled as he spoke.
“I’m sorry Matt.”I replied softly, barely daring to speak.
I felt my face throbbing and I reached up and flinched in shock at the contact with the bandage there.
“What happened?”
Matt smiled sadly. “You blew up the mafia base. I was coming to find you there. I found you, and took you home. Half of your face and some of your body were badly burned in the explosion.” A tear rolled down his cheek and caught, the silvery drop hanging onto his jaw. “I thought I was going lose you.”
“I’ll tell you my story if you tell me yours.”
“Deal.”
I sighed and closed my eyes.
“Matt?”
“Yes?”
“W-will you take care of me?”
“Of course Mels. I always will.”
“Thank you. Hrmph, I sound like such a wimp.” I sighed.
“Asking for someone to care for you is not being a wimp. Everybody needs somebody to care for them.” Matt chuckled slightly.
“I think I need to rest some more Matt.”
“Goodnight Mello.”
“Goodnight.”
I was fading fast. I was so tired. But for the first time in years, I felt safe, because of Matt.
I was slipping into the darkness of my dreams when I heard a voice echo faintly in the room. “I found you Mels. It took me five years of searching. But I finally found you. It hurt me so much but it was all worth it in the end; to be able to save your life, Mels.”
And I had dreams, In them I learned to play guitar,
Maybe cross the country, become a rock star,
And there was hope in me that I could take you there,
But damn it, you're so young,
Well I don't think I care,
And if I hurt you, then I'm sorry,
Please don't think that this was easy.
I sat on a worn, grey wooden bench in the park, with my chin resting in my palm. I observed the calm quiet of the evening, the white snow blanketing the ground and trees. Icy snowflakes swirled around my face, blown gently by the wind.
I wasn’t sure how I could face Matt. I hurt him so much, and he saved my life, tended me and cared for me. Even after I just, left him behind.
I shivered slightly. Damn, he was always right. Leather was not the warmest material in the world.
Suddenly I felt thin arms slide around my middle. “What are you doing out here, Mels?” I felt a chin rest on my shoulder. He always knew where I was. I didn’t understand how he guessed, always.
I didn’t reply, and I think he must have guessed my thoughts.
He understood people well.
“Mello. That day, I was so close to finding you. I was coming to the mafia base. When I arrived there, all I found was a smoking ruin of a building. But I continued to search. I didn’t know if I would find you or not, but I searched the rubble for you; I worked as hard as I did for the past five years to find you. Metal scraps cut and tore at my hands. Sweat poured into my eyes and blinded me. I could’ve been caught. I could’ve been killed. But I didn’t stop till I found you. That day you left the orphanage, when L died. I smashed a glass of water on my bedside table, I beat my fists into it until they were pierced with glass and blood was pouring from my hands. I punched the wall until my knuckles bled and stained the white wall. I threw myself on the bed and screamed and sobbed. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep; I didn’t live anymore. I was just simply a way of moving some goggles and striped shirts around. I can’t lie to you; you almost killed me Mello. ”
I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t handle it. This had been my fault. I was trembling, and a tear escaped my eye.
“But you saved me, too.”
I slowly lifted my head to look at him. My eyes widened; Matt was crying.
He let the tears run freely, no attempt to hide them. Matt was always like that. He was never afraid to cry. He was never afraid to tell others how he felt.
I watched as a new wave of salty tears welled up in those emerald coloured eyes, making them sparkle in the setting sun, before spilling over onto his pale cheeks, flushed from the cold.
“Every moment was hell being away from you. I could barely handle it. But every time I thought I would completely lose it I thought of you. I focused on a picture of you in my mind. I repeated to myself, Mello is still out there. I want to find him. And I will. You were what kept me going, you were the one that kept me living, even though you were the one that nearly killed me. You were the one that kept me from going crazy, even though you were the one that nearly drove me to that point.”
I couldn’t take it. I let out the tears, filled with my anguish. They rolled down my face, one after another; I thought they would never stop.
“But in the end, I found you. And you saved me Mello. So in a way you also saved yourself, which saved me. Okay I’ll shut the hell up about that before I confuse myself. Besides, who else would there be to come after a crazy chocolate-addicted mafia blonde dressed in leather?” He smiled, in spite of his red eyes.
I let out a choked sob. “Matt. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Mello, it’s okay. I told you.”
“But Matt… I hurt you. I hurt you so much. I left… Knowing what I was doing to you. I knew it would hurt you, but I still left. I left to keep you safe, but I still screwed up. I almost fucking killed you. I am so fucking sorry.”
I was crying like I never had before. I let out everything I’d locked up for years, the emotions and pain stored inside my heart. In the mafia, as an unwritten rule, you’re not allowed to cry.
“The day I left, I tried to hold the tears back as I walked away from Wammy’s. I managed until I got into the train, but then, I cried until my throat and eyes were dry and I felt empty, as if I had just cried out my life’s blood. It was so hard.”
Matt looked sadly into my blue eyes.
And then you bring me home,
Cause we both know what it's like to be alone, oh,
And I'm dreaming in your living room,
But we don't have much room to live.
And Konstantine is walking down the stairs,
Doesn't she look good standing in her underwear?
And I was thinking, what I was thinking,
We've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere,
My Konstantine came walking down the stairs,
And all that I could do was touch her long, blonde hair,
And I've been thinkin’, It hurts me thinking,
That these nights when we were drinking,
No they never got us anywhere, no.
This is because I can spell confusion with a ’K,'
And I can like it,
It's to dying in another's arms,
And why I had to try it,
It’s to Jimmy Eat World,
And those nights in my car,
When the first star you see,
May not be a star,
I'm not your star,
Isn't that what you said,
What you thought this song meant.
“My time in the mafia was one of the cruellest times of my life. At the time I did it because I thought it was what I had to do. But I killed innocent people, Matt. I robbed, I hurt. I fucked up so many people; even people who didn’t deserve that. There were people that did, but I wish I hadn’t done it. ”
I was a little startled at the words that were spilling uncontrolled from my mouth.
Being away from Matt really screwed me up.
And if this is what it takes,
Just to lie with my mistakes,
And live with what I did to you,
All the hell I put you through,
I always catch the clock,
It's 11:11, and now you wanna talk,
It's not hard to dream,
You'll always be My Konstantine,
“And the worst thing is, while I destroyed people’s lives, I was also killing you. You, Matt. “
I clenched my fists and pressed them against my knees.
“And you told me the day after you rescued me, “Everybody needs somebody to care for them.””
I looked him in the eyes with as much strength as I could muster.
“What about you? Who cared for you for the five years after I abandoned you!?” I cried out, the anguish choking my voice.
Bitter tears dripped onto the ground. Matt was silent, but closed his eyes and sighed.
My Konstantine,
They'll never hurt you like I do,
No they'll never hurt you like I do,
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
“Mel-” He started, but I cut him off. I couldn’t bear to hear it.
“That’s my story, Matt. Will you forgive me?”
I whispered through the tears.
“Of course, Mels. No matter what you do, I can always forgive you.”
Matt smiled.
I looked down at my hands and allowed myself a small smile. I leant against Matt and allowed the tears to run. But they were different tears this time.
We sat in silence as the sun finally sank below the horizon, taking with it the light and it passed into cool night.
“Let’s go home, Mels.”
This is to a girl,
Who got into my head,
With all the pretty things he did,
Hey, you know,
You keep me up in bed,
“Mattie.” I whispered and shook his shoulder gently.
“It’s time to wake up.” He groaned and turned over and buried his face in the cushion. I laughed lightly and slipped my arms around him and swiftly gathered him up.
He opened a green eye lazily and remarked, “Mello, I was trying to sleep.”
“I know Matt. But I’m not letting you sleep the entire day.”
“Would you be so kind as to put me down now?” Matt replied.
“Oh, of course.” and promptly dropped him on the bean bag nearby.
“Hey!”
This is to a girl,
Who got into my head,
With all these fucked up things I did,
Hey, maybe, baby,
You could keep me up in bed,
I didn’t deserve him. I truly didn’t deserve to have Mail Jeevas.
I nearly killed him, and he forgave me. Who can forgive like that?
I can’t even imagine what it was like for him, to be so close to death from the hurt, and not being able to move on or give up, because of me.
No, I didn’t deserve someone like Matt.
But Matt, it was so hard to leave you. And that day five years ago, when I got on that train, for the first time in my life; I missed someone. I missed you.
But I don’t deserve for you to forgive me for what I did.
My Konstantine,
You spin around me like a dream,
We played out on this movie screen,
And I said,
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
I miss you.
And then you bring me home,
And we go to sleep,
But this time not alone,
And I know, and you'll kiss me in your living room,
I know, I know you miss me in your living room,
Cause these nights I think,
Maybe that I miss you in my living room,
I sat down on a chair on the balcony of Matt’s apartment. A chilly morning wind blew around the city, white frost making the trees glisten.
I heard Matt’s voice from behind me. “Mel.”
I turned around to see him standing there in his usual attire, smiling. “Matt?”
“I was missing you Mello.”He grinned. Damn it, his cheeks were going red again. Was it the cold?
“Idiot, I was gone for 5 minutes.”I chuckled.
“Well I still missed you. If you leave for too long again I’ll become insecure Mels.” He tipped his head slightly to the side, with a curious expression, and waiting for my reaction.
“I’m sorry.” I lowered my face.
I felt my heart speed up as a cool hand cupped my chin and lifted up face. “Mel, it’s okay. I could tell what you were thinking about before.”
“Really?” I whispered softly.
“Yes. You have a certain look on your face when you think about… that. “He smiled.
I stood up, “Let’s go inside Matt.”
He nodded, and then leant forward, wrapping his arms around me and resting his chin on my shoulder. I froze momentarily, and then relaxed. I could feel his warmth spreading through my chilly body. “I love you Mels.” He whispered. I smiled and draped my arms around Matt’s thin form and hugged him closer. “I love you too Mattie.” I closed my eyes and just focused on the feeling of his heart beating against my chest. I just wanted to hold him like this forever.
“I was thinking about what you said that other time. About who cared for me during those five years.” Matt said softly. I stiffened slightly, but didn’t let go of him.
“Did you ever think or wonder about me during that time, Mel?”
I pulled him even closer to me. “Yes, Matt. I did. I thought about you every day.” I whispered.
“Well then. That’s who cared for me all those years. I believed that you did, Mello. That you still cared.” He buried his face in the crook of my neck. I shivered at the feel of his breath on my neck. “Thank you Matt.” I whispered into his hair. “Thank you for forgiving me.” I felt him smile against my neck. “What else could I do, Mels? He replied softly.
But we don't have much room,
I said does anybody need that room,
Because we all need a little more room,
To love.
My Konstantine.
~
Song: Konstantine - Something Corporate
