Thank you so much! And thanks for the criticisms at the end, I've changed my fic a bit according to them, I hope you think it's better! Because once I read your comment, I totally agreed. So thank you again!!
I was meaning to comment on everyone's stories at the very end just so I'd have everything in order, but I really do need to commend you now.
This was an excellent, excellent story. Your writing is technically sound with no mistakes with your mechanics or your grammar (which nets major points with me), your prose is smooth and easy to read, and you characterize everyone with enough to please the readers considering its short length. I really liked how each of the friends had a slightly different reaction to being scared, from the outright scream-and-bolt to the "I'm scared but I'm so not going to show you guys".
For the story itself, you set it up really well. You set the plot right away and give us a great little description of your forest setting, keeping readers anchored and ready. Your pacing was also really good, and - again, going by the length of the story - everything happened at just the right time.
Now I will admit that genre-savvy readers (aka. former R.L. Stine readers) will probably see the ending coming, especially once you break it out that it was her "siblings" coming out to see her. The very last paragraph did feel a little rushed, like suddenly we see the twist, "and then they dragged [her] off into the night." I would have liked a little more from the protagonist at the end, how she reacted to seeing that it wasn't her sister before her and how there really were monsters in the forest. Also, I think maybe a little foreshadowing to the reveal could have given the twist a little more emphasis; y'know, something like her thinking about "how well her sister could mask her voice" or something like that.
That's really the gist of it, though. This was absolutely a top-notch story. Definitely a job well done.
SomeGuy
Canadian Liaison (Team) | Posted 10/22/08 | Reply
@Haru 93:
I see, I see. Yeah, that definitely works for me. Awesome! Just make sure you fix that spelling for "shakey" and you'll be set!
Hehe.
Haru 93
Otakuite++ | Posted 10/21/08 | Reply
@SomeGuy:
Thank you so much! And thanks for the criticisms at the end, I've changed my fic a bit according to them, I hope you think it's better! Because once I read your comment, I totally agreed. So thank you again!!
SomeGuy
Canadian Liaison (Team) | Posted 10/20/08 | Reply
I was meaning to comment on everyone's stories at the very end just so I'd have everything in order, but I really do need to commend you now.
This was an excellent, excellent story. Your writing is technically sound with no mistakes with your mechanics or your grammar (which nets major points with me), your prose is smooth and easy to read, and you characterize everyone with enough to please the readers considering its short length. I really liked how each of the friends had a slightly different reaction to being scared, from the outright scream-and-bolt to the "I'm scared but I'm so not going to show you guys".
For the story itself, you set it up really well. You set the plot right away and give us a great little description of your forest setting, keeping readers anchored and ready. Your pacing was also really good, and - again, going by the length of the story - everything happened at just the right time.
Now I will admit that genre-savvy readers (aka. former R.L. Stine readers) will probably see the ending coming, especially once you break it out that it was her "siblings" coming out to see her. The very last paragraph did feel a little rushed, like suddenly we see the twist, "and then they dragged [her] off into the night." I would have liked a little more from the protagonist at the end, how she reacted to seeing that it wasn't her sister before her and how there really were monsters in the forest. Also, I think maybe a little foreshadowing to the reveal could have given the twist a little more emphasis; y'know, something like her thinking about "how well her sister could mask her voice" or something like that.
That's really the gist of it, though. This was absolutely a top-notch story. Definitely a job well done.