I picked up the rough paper and read the new words in Steven’s untidy scrawl. ‘Fine, I’ll be ready to leave at 1.30,’ I scribbled in response, returning the note and shutting my eyes again. These empty hours in my room had been spent concentrating on not thinking – not hurting – but now my mind was racing uncontrollably. Tomorrow I was going with a brother who hated me to meet a father who didn’t even know me. I severely doubted that he was going to want to know me, either.
Once my clock ticked round to read 1 p.m. the next day, I hauled myself off the floor. I applied thick, dark eyeliner, dark lipstick and white powder before scraping my unruly, short hair (barring my fringe) back with a black alice band. Then I strode into my wardrobe to change my clothes for the first time in days. I pulled on a pair of black skinny jeans under black, gothic boots with long spikes for heels. I picked out a black, lacy top and after tugging that over my head, draped a knee-length black coat over my arm to give the impression that I cared about the seasonable cold outside. Not that much bothered me these days…
I toyed unconsciously with the silver bracelet hanging off my wrist while my thoughts floated uncomfortably. It was a man’s bracelet; it had belonged to Mitsu…I found it amongst his belongings, in his study. The same night, whist sitting on the pavement outside the flat, I had slipped it on. That was before…I berated myself inwardly. I shouldn’t have gone to the bar with that stranger – I never even learned his name. And now, where I had been unaffected at the time, I felt glad that we had been interrupted before anything serious could happen. I shuddered self-loathingly, wondering how I had expected to make me feel any more human…Noticing the time with a shock, I pushed the feelings of hatred to the back of my mind. Today was not about anything other than meeting my father.
Steven was already waiting for me in the hall. “Ready?” he asked harshly, opening the door without waiting for a reply. I followed him downstairs in silence, never looking up from the floor. We sat on opposite sides of the car, still not talking. Rin had not come, for Steven had insisted on it. I had heard them arguing so fiercely that Rin had caved – against his better judgement. I assumed that George had been the one to decide that he wouldn’t come, for Steven seemed tense without him. I was thankful; I wasn’t sure I could handle them acting all…loved up in front of me.
Just as my thoughts strayed unwittingly towards Mitsu, Steven interrupted them. “Look, I don’t know what happened with Mitsu and you probably won’t tell me, but don’t let it affect your judgement in this meeting. This man – our father – is important to me.” I had stiffened at Mitsu’s name, and had to pause before responding. “I am,” I winced before correcting myself, “was…in love with Mitsu. So his death affects most things. But…I want a dad as much as I did when I set out – if not more. In case you forgot…I pushed you to come with me to find him. You didn’t care that much…Look, I can separate myself from my emotions – or, rather, lack of – while we meet this Franklin man. You don’t need to pretend to concern yourself.” Steven seemed to relax, and I went back to staring out of the window blankly.
Charlotte’s very presence was grating on my nerves, but I remained calm, and her last sentence at least proved her humanity. She’d been lacking in that recently, but she was feeling better now, I could tell. My own emotions had twisted recently, I was focused purely on George and no other, and that was, for now, how it would stay. I didn’t have to spend any time or attention on Charlotte anymore. I didn’t. Not one… damn… bit… I hit the window gently, wishing I could have done so harder. Why was it so hard to distance myself? Why did it take so much energy to… to pretend she didn’t matter?
I let a single tear slide down my cheek, praying she wouldn’t notice. My mascara didn’t run (thank god), and none of my swirled-pattern eyeliner across my face smudged either. As I gazed out the window, I noticed a familiar face… very familiar. I shook my head as the car passed by slowly and blinked several times. The figure still walked, and I opened the car door, leaping out onto the sidewalk and not caring about the fact that we were moving, or the damage I could cause. I ran towards the figure as it passed through the crowd, its face aimed towards our apartment building. I couldn’t hold in my pain any longer and called out, trying to get the figures attention before it walked out of view. “JULIAN!”
He stopped, turned his head slightly and looked straight at me with his dark, piercing brown eyes, his short hair blowing ever-so-slightly in the afternoon breeze, and his face turned from a look of concentration to a mix of every emotion possible. His body turned then, to face me, and he slowly began walking towards me as I ran through the crowds. Only a few feet away from him, I tripped, and fell straight into his arms, the tears running down my face (And yes, now my makeup WAS smudged. A lot.) I sobbed into his embrace as he run a hand through my hair, shushing me gently and holding me tightly. “I came for you. I couldn’t… I said I’d come.”
I could hear the car stopping, reversing, and a door slamming as I held on tightly. I could hear Charlotte’s sigh. “I told you not to come, Julian. Don’t you know what he did?” I could feel Julian’s head move then, to face Charlotte, and his soothing voice drifted into my ears. “I know full well, but that doesn’t change how I feel.” Charlotte’s angry voice came through loud and clear, the spiteful tone shocking me slightly. “He’ll just cheat on you again!” I began shaking my head, too weak to stand properly, and took a moment to compose myself before looking up into his eyes. “We… We can’t… Can’t be together, you know?” He nodded and reached a hand out to stroke my cheek. “I know. But please… at least let me… be your brother?” I looked at him in slight confusion before nodding and burying my head in his chest once more. He could have whatever he wanted right now.
Charlotte got back in the car and shut her door, and Julian gently took my hand. “Come on. Lets get you back in.” I nodded and he led me to the car, getting in himself and sitting between Charlotte and I. I closed the door gently, only just shutting it properly, and closed my eyes, leaning my head on his shoulder. I could hardly believe he was here, in person, after all this time, but… I couldn’t be with him. Not after everything that had happened. But… my brother… this was all so hard to take in. I felt myself getting weary and before I knew it, was dozing gently on his shoulder.
I glared angrily at Steven while he slept. He looked so carefree, so childlike…maybe I was jealous. Maybe I wanted someone who I could fall asleep against, someone who would protect me; who would make me happy; who would whisper sweet words in my ear. I wanted someone to tell me that everything was going to turn out alright – even if it was a lie.
“So what’s been going on then?” Julian whispered with a careful glance at Steven. I sighed. “Well…there was the fire…then Steven snogged Rin…then there was our first case that went wrong…then…I fell in love while you and Steven fell out of it…then the man I loved asked me to shoot him and I came home from that to find out that Steven had fallen in love with George…and then…well, I don’t know what’s happened since then…I don’t even know how long ago that was…” Julian spared me a confused face before returning his gaze to a gently snoring Steven.
I sighed again, pulling my legs up and locking my arms around my knees. Hearing our pathetic story back in my own, hollow voice made everything seem so much more real…and so much less realistic. Nothing seemed to make any sense anymore, but…I shook my head. I was so sick of these poisonous thoughts that had no outlet. There was no way to put these feelings into words, and no way to get rid of them altogether.
I stirred gently, feeling the car come to a halt, and opened my eyes blearily. I turned my head and blinked several times before realising the image of Julian wasn’t fading from sight, and remembered that he was really there. A wide grin spread across my face, followed by a look of confusion, one of sheer horror and then nervousness before I finally turned my head. In less than three seconds, I’d made up my mind. I was NOT ready to talk to him just yet… not properly.
I could feel his eyes boring into my skull, “Are you okay, Steve?” I nodded quickly and heard Charlotte pipe up, “He’s probably nervous. My bet it he’s just using George to get over you.” I could only just stop myself from cringing, but luckily enough the chauffer opened the door to let us out before I could cringe anyhow. I practically leapt out of the car, dusting myself down before looking back to see Julian clamber cutely out of the car. Damn him for being so… kind, despite it all. I could tell he and Charlotte weren’t getting on well, there was an air of discontent between them, so I assumed she’d filled him in on the events of… well, all the events.
He smiled up at me (I’d almost forgotten he was slightly shorter than me) and gently moved my hair out of my face, laughing slightly. “I did always say you were a cutie.” I blushed and looked away - the sky, the pavement, the car, anywhere but those dark eyes and tanned skin. “So, why are we here?” Charlotte butted in, walking past us in her gothic attire, seemingly noticing the fact that I’d been reduced to jelly. “We’re here to see our dad.” Julian nodded and took my hand, following Charlotte and pulling me along, the blue nail varnish still prominent on my fingernails. As we entered the courthouse, he turned to me and smiled that ten-million-dollar smile. “Did I ever tell you blue is my favourite colour?”
I brushed past Steven and Julian (being careful not to trip; that would ruin my ‘aloof’ impression), clenching my fists to prevent the tears that were threatening me. How could they act so…so disgustingly cute? It was so romantically sick. I walked quickly up to the building, separating myself from the ‘couple’ who ambled behind me carelessly. The courtroom seemed austere from the outside; grey stone didn’t exactly seem that welcoming. It vaguely reminded me of a prison.
I glanced back at them, and then wished I hadn’t. They were already holding hands. Even that, the simplest of gestures, made me want to collapse, sobbing. I leaned heavily against the brick wall in front of me, breathing deeply to try and pull some oxygen in so that my head could work properly. It finally seemed ridiculous that my life was so completely over at the age of fifteen; how had everything screwed up so majorly? I had already found and lost my reason for living, so now I was just wasting living space and resources.
The other two finally drew level with me, and I let them lead into the building, traipsing behind them. My head was filled with bleak thoughts that could only have one outcome if I paid any attention to them…I considered how I could do it…the pattern my blood would spatter out on the pavement if I jumped…the mess I would leave behind if I ran in front of a car, or train, or bus…the bubbles floating to the surface futilely if I drowned…The sick, masochistic thoughts dragged me deeper until the sound of my name made me surface quickly. But, really…nobody would care…
“Charlotte?” I had turned to see her staring blankly at her wrists, at least five paces back. “Hello?” I let go of Julian’s hand (almost willingly) and walked back to her, leaning down and looking into her dulled eyes. “…Charlotte?” She shook her head and continued walking, past me, past Julian, straight to the reception desk. I heard her sharpened voice asking politely for Mr. F Dawes. Julian walked over to me, still acting more… intimate than brotherly, and I simply stared, teary-eyed and aching, looking straight through the fading image that was my sister. I could see her personality vanishing before my eyes, her will, her resolve, it was all disappearing… And for the first time in fifteen years, there was nothing I could do about it. A thought struck me then, and I bit my lip before deciding to roll with it.
I walked over to Charlotte as the receptionist finished giving her directions. She turned to me, put on her most “Lulu” look and said “Yes?” waspishly. I looked down to the floor and began walking away, knowing she’d follow. “What do you want?” She asked. I sat myself down on one of the business-type armchairs and lowered my head into my hands, finally letting the tears flow, the tears of family ties broken, the tears of tension between me and the sister I loved. “I want my sister back.” I cried into my hands, the tears dripping through the gaps in my fingers, feeling a warm, comforting hand on my shoulder (though I knew it wasn’t Charlotte’s). “She’s gone, Steven. She’s already gone.”
Charlotte’s words stung me hard. There had to be something I could do to make her feel loved, wanted, special again. She loved Mitsu more than I thought possible, that was certain, but he was gone and she needed something… someone… some emotion to keep her going. “Do you remember, only a few weeks ago, when we started this journey, sister? Do you remember what I told you?” I heard her sigh in exasperation. “What now?” I wiped my eyes and looked up at her, pleadingly. “We were in your room. Dad made you cry. I told you I would always be there for you, always. I’d never let you go. And that I would be your strength. I’ve failed you, sister… I am so, so sorry for that… and please, if you need to hate, if you need to loathe, loathe me! Hate me, hurt me, and let me take the pain, because I can’t bear to see you like this anymore… I can’t… I don’t wanna lose you…”
