I kept smiling as the rain poured down my face, my newly-applied mascara running and creating grey lines all down my face. I smiled as the rain washed away all the darkness from me, the bags under my eyes, the small, unnoticeable layer of dirt that came from three days without showering due to spending every moment in a hospital beside a family member. I laughed as the world seemed so much bigger and brighter than ever before, spinning round and round like a roller-coaster in the pouring rain. My life was far from perfect. But now I’d left them both, broken their hearts and mine… and we could all start anew. All of us.
George loved me, and I’d broken his heart. Now he could rebuild again. Julian’s was broken more so, for having moved to live with me and not being able to. And I’d broken my own, by breaking theirs. And I cared so much. But somehow, that gave me a smile, gave me happy thoughts. I always did say that the heart was made of glass, and a heart with a crack was harder to fix than a broken one. Cracks take a long time to heal, but smashed hearts are simply replaced. And as the rain poured down from the grey, gloomy sky, I couldn’t help but notice that silver lining. I would build my heart from scratch, in a new, stronger form- And I would be happy. With this, I smiled and danced and span in the rain and laughed as Misery Business faded away into the night.
“So I have to go home? Really?” Jasper laughed at my disappointment. “Yeah, but I’ll keep checking up on you. Fresh start, right?” I smiled. My bag was packed, my coat on top of it. “Can I have a hug before I go?” He nodded and folded me into his warm arms again. But it was over too quickly; he released me and hoisted my bag onto his shoulders. I protested, insisting I could carry it myself, but he wouldn’t sway. I watched him load my bag into the boot of the cab before giving him another tight hug.
“Hey, umm…would you…come over later?” I asked hesitantly. Jasper smiled. “I’ll do whatever you want me to,” he laughed. I blushed furiously again, trying to hide it, before one last hug. As the taxi pulled away, I peered back at Jasper, who was waving wildly. I waved back until he disappeared out of sight, and then settled into my seat grinning widely. “Hey, um, can we make a quick sidestop?” The cabbie nodded as I gave him a new address.
“I’m home!” I trilled to announce myself. Rikku shrieked and sprinted over, trying to envelope me in a hug. However, the many carrier bags in my hands made that slightly impossible. “You shouldn’t be carrying those; you aren’t well!” Rikku shrieked, trying to take them from me. “Oh, no, it’s okay. Didn’t Jasper explain it to you? This thing, this ‘condition’, it doesn’t affect anything like that. Anyway, these are preparations for our fake Christmas! I feel really guilty about making you all miss it…so, I thought we could have a do-over?”
We set up dinner cooking with a little help from Brother, and the smell was wafting through the house when Steven suddenly appeared. “Charlotte, you’re back!” I nodded and rushed over to give him a hug. “Merry Christmas!” He went over to help with dinner while I started decorating. I was just about to climb a ladder to put up a banner before I remembered something Jasper had told me earlier. ‘Your test results also brought up something…unexpected.’ I had to get Rin to carry on with the decorations on the pretence of needing the toilet.
Sat on my still stripped bed, I sighed. Everything seemed lighter, brighter now, but…it was still confusing, still messed up. A knock on the door reminded me of our guest though, and made me light up instantly. I sprinted to the front door, but Steven beat me to it. “Jasper?” He sounded incredulous. “Charlotte?” That one seemed a little more like a warning. He let Jasper in before grabbing my wrist and towing me into his room. “Charlotte, I wasn’t going to say anything about your strange closeness to your doctor, but this is too much! You invited him to our home! Don’t have another Mitsu situation, please,” he begged.
I sighed, pushing my fringe away. “This isn’t like that. We…care about each other, we do, but we’re taking things slowly…Besides, it’s been over a month now since…his death. I…I like him, he likes me.” Steven shook his head. “You’re so on a rebound! This isn’t real, you just want some…I dunno. You just wanna have sex with him, don’t you! Or have you already done it?” I looked at him, shocked. “No! No, that isn’t…we…We haven’t even kissed yet! And it isn’t even any of your business!” And with that, I stormed back into the kitchen leaving Steven standing, looking a little bemused.
“Jasper, hello! I’m…really glad you could come. Uh…come sit down!” I led him to the sofa, still stinging from Steven’s words. “Um, do you want a drink?” I went to pour him a glass of juice, but a sudden spell of dizziness made me drop the carton. The thick, orange gloop spilled out over the worktop, dripping onto the floor. “I warned you, you might get dizzy sometimes,” Jasper whispered, startling me. I shrugged. “No, I’m fine,” I said, but my knees wobbled again and I had to collapse into his hug.
I watched as Jasper took Charlotte into what looked like a warm and loving hug. My stomach dropped at least three feet and I shook my head lightly. That should be me in his place, keeping her safe. That should be me wiping her tears in her bad times and stroking her hair. She was my sister… My brotherly instincts took over and I walked slowly to my room, sitting on the floor against the bed. Brotherly instinct? That wasn’t it. I was jealous of her. It was half-way through January, and Julian was gone without a trace (unless I decided to find him somehow with the Al Bhed’s help) and George had moved to another city. Neither of them would have boyfriends yet, knowing them. I lowered my head into my hands and breathed deeply. I was… not okay.
Charlotte was moving on. Rin was becoming more like a brother every day and Rikku and Brother seemed perfectly happy without love. Why was I the only one in the household that still had a broken heart? And why did I care? When it happened, I was so happy, on such a high… and now, on the day of our Re-Christmas, I was the lowest I’d ever been. I could smell the turkey being taken out of the oven, the smell wafting into my room. My taste-buds made no movement to energize. My nostrils breathed the scent in without prejudice. It was just another everyday addition. No smell held any sweetness anymore.
The dark grey of the evening sky was visible through the window pane. Paramore still stuck in my head as I traced a pattern on the window with my finger. “It’s obvious that you’re Dying, Dying…” I walked over to the mirror as I sang to myself, messing with my hair. “Just living proof that the Camera’s lying…” I pulled out all my makeup and attacked my face, paling it to the nth degree and darkening my eyes and lips before sculpting my hair into the perfect style, swished to my right side, and stood before the mirror as I heard plates clatter. I wasn’t in the mood for food.
I watched, dazed, as everyone else dished up the sort of Christmas dinner. Jasper had sat me down and got me a drink – he had to force it on me. As Brother started carving the chicken, Jasper came and sat with me. “You should really drink that,” he murmured, gesturing to the untouched water tipping precariously in my hand, “You need to keep your fluid levels up.” I shrugged. “I’m fine,” I insisted, despite the sarcastic look on his face.
“I’ll go get Steven,” I said, jumping up a little too quickly. “I’m f-fine,” I stammered, pressing my glass into Jasper’s hands. He was about to protest, but I walked away before he could speak. “Steven?” I was a little nervous as I peered into his room, but he didn’t seem to be about to shout any more. “What’s the matter?” He stared at me blankly, not answering. I stepped closer cautiously. “What’s up?” Steven simply shook his head. “I’m not hungry,” he muttered. I recognised that empty expression, those blank eyes. Did I look this bad, back when..?
I pulled Steven into a tight hug. He just stood there; he let me hug him but made no move to reciprocate. “Dinner’s ready,” I said softly as I let him go, “I know you can’t be hungry, but…join us, please. We won’t make any fuss, just…come sit. Please.” He still said nothing, so I left him alone, hoping he would come in later. Dinner smelt strong, but it wasn’t as pleasant as usual. I took my place in spite of that, sitting between Rikku and Jasper. Jasper heaped my plate up with a mountain of food; I was well aware of his motive.
About ten minutes into the meal, Steven slipped into the room silently and sat down opposite me without a word. He did, however, put an effort into a tight smile. I shot Rikku a warning look to stem the questions that I knew she was about to ask, and she fell still obediently. Steven didn’t eat anything, but I did – under the pressure of Jasper’s unrelenting stare. “Um…does this chicken taste a little off?” I asked, confused. It was well in date…Everyone disagreed with me, but I couldn’t eat it. There was a strange taste to it that made me feel queasy. “Poultry aversion,” Jasper whispered, almost indecipherably quietly, in my ear. I nudged him in the ribs and he sat back, smiling pleasantly.
