I watched Steven crying with a discerning lack of interest. “It’s…not enough. You’re too late,” I said quietly. “There isn’t a ‘me’ to lose anymore.” He shook his head, garbling out some incoherent protests. “Look…couldn’t you have said this a few days ago? When I actually would have let myself need you? I was so messed up…and you wasted your time being angry. You want me to need you, to hate you? I don’t feel enough emotion for that anymore. I don’t know how to hate you. And I’m certainly not going to let myself need you. I can’t know that you aren’t going to flake out the next time I need you – and that’s assuming I ever get past this, which is looking a little unlikely at the moment. So excuse me, but I’m not going to be considerate of your feelings right now. I refuse to hate you just so that you can feel better. Because once again, you are putting yourself first. You want me to hate you? You want me to do it to ease your conscience. I can’t believe you have the cheek to say something like that to me, not after…everything.” I was glad to see that my voice was angry despite the lack of emotion behind it.
I took a deep breath. It was uncomfortable to say this much after days of nothing more than monosyllabic phrases that didn’t count as conversations. “You always were selfish. You never consider how other people are feeling, just how it affects you.” It seemed harsh to say it, but it was true. If ever I was upset, he would only think about what difference it made to him. That’s assuming he realized I was upset in the first place, of course. Steven was pulled into Julian’s tight hug, and the motion made my breath catch on forbidden tears again.
I cleared my throat and strode to the door. “Nobody can make up for the hole that Mitsu’s…death left. And I don’t want it to be you to be the one who tries. Besides, you said not to let my emotions get in the way today…isn’t that what you’re doing? Pull yourself together, Steven. Let’s go meet our father.” I opened the door, but paused again. “Oh, by the way. Don’t call our fake father ‘dad’ anymore – at least not to me. And don’t bring up…that day ever again.” I thought back to the memory that Steven had mentioned. It was dark and murky, like I was looking at it underwater. But it still made me flinch. I shook it out of my mind and straightened up again, walking purposefully in the direction that the receptionist had pointed out, not caring whether Steven was following or not.
As I felt Julian’s arms around me, I struggled between fighting it off and embracing it. I couldn’t decide about him anymore, he was a permanent reminder of all the happiness I’d felt over the past few months… and a reminder of the many heartbreaks he’d caused me. At his touch, I lost all my energy, so I simply couldn’t pull away if I wanted to. I felt his warm breathing against my neck and hear Charlotte’s heavy footsteps moving away, and looked to see her moving swiftly towards a heavy-looking door that had opened while I was crying. I pulled away from Julian slightly, pulling a small mirror out of my pocket, and flipped it open. I groaned as I saw the wreck that my face had become, my mascara had streaked down my face in long, thin, grey lines. And I didn’t have my makeup-wipes. Damn.
I smiled bleakly at Julian before following in Charlotte’s footsteps and walking through the large doorway. I heard Julian trailing behind me and as Charlotte turned a corner, it hit me. What would Franklin think about me being… I mean, having boyfriends and wearing makeup? Would he be disappointed? Julian lay a comforting hand on my shoulder and I nodded in recognition, before turning the corner that Charlotte had, nearly bumping into her. I jumped slightly and looked over her shoulder to see what had paused her, and stood in shock as well.
There stood a man in his forties, with dark brown hair that was spiked up in many directions. Dark brown eyes, strikingly similar to mine, were gazing back from a pale-ish face, one that was not used to sunlight. He stood at least 6 foot tall, long and lanky, and his clothes seemed slightly baggy. I shook my head lightly as Charlotte murmured “Dad?” I blinked a few times and stepped forward, holding out my hand. “Franklin? Franklin Dawes?” He nodded and shook my hand before smiling an award-winning smile. “I’m Steven. I’m your son. This is Charlotte, and… That’s Julian, he’s…” Julian stepped forward, “I’m Steve’s boyfriend.” I stared in shock, and Julian simply gave me a “Play along” smile. This day couldn’t get any weirder.
I was shocked by Steven’s rushed introduction; wouldn’t this revelation stun our father? Surely he would be freaked out, at the very least. But he seemed very sure of himself, and very cool. “Yes, Rin warned me you were coming to visit. He also said that there may be a few…emotional complications with you. As I can see.” He gestured steadily at Steven’s make-up smeared face. “Oh, no, no, that isn’t what this is, this is just – eh…” Steven confused his violent denial, the words tripping over each other stupidly.
“So I understand that you’ve both been through a fair bit recently. I don’t suppose you’d want to tell me about it?” Franklin – our father – asked. I considered it, trying to put the events that had led up to today in the right order. It seemed a fairly pathetic story, all right… “Well, if that’s wh-what you want, then sure, I mean I don’t see why not, if you want…” Steven stammered unsurely. It was a little strange to see him fall apart so completely when he had always been so steady, so definite. Franklin – Father – smiled comfortingly and stepped backwards, gesturing to a table surrounded by seats. “Well then, let’s get started.”
“Well,” Steven began. I let him get on with it, staying on my feet while the rest sat down. “Um…okay, me and Charlotte were in town when we saw our Dad with an Al Bhed…” I listened to him as he summarised the last few months in five minutes. “And then she met this guy called Mitsu, and…” I closed my eyes, wishing I could become deaf for the next few minutes. I didn’t want to hear how he explained my…murder. “She had to shoot him,” Steven said quickly in a low murmur. I almost laughed; did he think he was sparing me from any pain? I didn’t see how I could get any more broken.
Franklin listened to the story with genuine interest, nodding as I spoke. After I reached the end of the tale, his face was a mix of emotions. “You two have been through so much for teenagers… I should never have left, not leaving that man in charge of the family, it was a wrong move and… I would say I’m sorry, but you two have grown so much because of it.” He ruffled his hair, similar to the way I did with mine, and tilted his head to the side. “It’s… confusing. I don’t know exactly how to react.” I frowned slightly and looked down to my hands, clasping and unclasping in my lap. “But I don’t quite see where you fit in with all this?”
Franklin’s eyes had fallen upon Julian, who turned on his perfected sheepish look and turned his eyes to me. I in turn blushed and looked back down. “You see, me and Steve… dated for a few months, but some stuff happened and I broke up with him. I promised I’d come over for Christmas, though, and now it seemed like even more reason to, so we could… sort things out between us.” I shivered slightly and felt Franklin’s gaze switch to me. “With all due respect, you don’t sound… English at all, more like… Spanish?” Julian’s laugh broke into my conscience. “Close enough. Yeah, me and Steve were an online couple, but we always said we’d be together, so I saved up some money and came over… as a Christmas present for the both of us.”
Franklin nodded, and ruffled his hair again. “If Steven is anything like me, then he’d never do such a thing without thinking things through very, very carefully…” I blushed slightly, and waited for him to continue talking. “You know that his heart belongs entirely to you, and that until you break it he cannot move on, don’t you?” My eyes widened in surprise and I lifted my head, gazing up at my father. “No way… How do you…?” He simply smiled as Julian began to blush. “Like father, like son. Your mother never broke my heart, and I haven’t moved on since her. Oh believe me, I had some casual relationships, but I was never a part of the girls’ life. My heart still belongs to your mother completely.” My eyes darted to Charlotte and I was filled with guilt, I knew this conversation would be killing her.
I watched their interactions numbly. I noticed when they made the same casual movements, spoke with the same intonations, felt the same emotions. And I hated every second of it. They were the same, they were exactly the same. Which meant that – yet again – I was the odd one out. It seemed that I really wouldn’t ever find my own niche. Or maybe I already had…perhaps my home really had been with Mitsu. It was a stupid decision to shoot him, I really shouldn’t have done it. Everything that had happened to me, everything that I was feeling (or not feeling) was all my fault more than I had realised before.
The conversation before me had turned to love. Even that simple word made me feel sick. My head swam uncomfortably and I had to lean on the wall to steady myself; my legs were threatening to give out. I checked behind me to make sure nobody had noticed this ridiculous weakness of mine and was relieved to see they were still absorbed. Breathing deeply, I wasn’t getting any of the relief I should get from the oxygen in the air and I noticed a steadily increasing headache.
“I-I’ll be back in a minute…I need the toilet,” I stammered, dumping my coat on the table and sprinting outside. I had hoped that the cold, winter air would clear my head, but it just made me feel worse. A strange, swaying sensation that was almost like seasickness drove me to my knees. My lungs seemed to constrict and my throat wouldn’t allow any more breathing. An acid taste filled my mouth as the pounding in my head filtered through my entire body and I slumped weakly to the floor, my eyes falling shut. I wondered stupidly if this counted as sleep, or if I still hadn’t slept in weeks, and then my mind went blissfully blank.
