Roast chicken. Yorkshire Pudding. Roast Potatoes. Stuffing. Onion gravy. I adored this food. Charlotte and I had a similar meal every Sunday, back with Mum and… Anyway, this was by far my favourite meal. I looked down in it, my stomach craving the delicate tastes and textures. My eyes skimmed lightly over each different food but my hand made no attempt to raise the fork by my plate. I took my glass of water and swirled the water round, making a sort of whirlpool in the glass. My lack of emotion never left my face.
I did pick up my fork eventually, to prod the food and move it around my plate. After a few minutes of that, I decided it wasn’t making things any less grey and put the fork down, returning my hands to my side, messing my hair occasionally. I thought of a song I once made… “My appearance showed the madness deep inside.” It seemed to fit me at the moment. Flipping from that, my train of thought skipped to other songs, and possible future conversations. Charlotte would be stood before me, arguing, “Why do you still love him? He broke your heart!” And I’d quote the lyrics from the newest song which plucked at my heartstrings, “I’ll still say that you shine brighter than anyone…”
My mind reverted back to reality as Charlotte whispered my name softly. I looked up, noticing that only me and her were left at the table, and she looked worriedly into my eyes. “Are you… Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” I shrugged. How could I tell her when I didn’t even know myself? She frowned slightly and stood up from her place, and I noticed Jasper standing beside her to make sure she kept her balance. I didn’t have anyone to do that for me anymore. I thought I could deal with the loss… maybe this is why I felt so low? Who knows?
I was reluctant to leave Steven alone. But with Jasper at my shoulder protectively, I traipsed dejectedly into my bedroom, closing the door with a quiet click. Jasper took my hand gently and guided me over to the bed, making me sit down. “So,” he began, his tone businesslike, “when are you going to tell them?” I shrugged morosely, pulling at the corner of a pillow. “But it’ll affect them majorly,” he continued, “and the implications are massive. And you won’t be able to hide it much longer, anyway.” I disagreed with that last point. “I’m good at hiding things. This would be easy to hide for a few months yet. Besides…I will tell people, I will…and soon, I promise. It’s just that…well, I want Steven to be the first to know, and…he isn’t…together at the moment. I mean…he looks so…empty…I know how he feels. It’s familiar, and bad news…it isn’t what he needs.”
Jasper traced patterns on my palm with his warm fingers. “It doesn’t have to be bad news. This should be a good thing.” I shrugged. “I’m not sure Steven will see it that way.” Jasper chuntered through strong denials, but it passed over me in a blur. I knew Steven well enough to know that (once he passed this numb phase) he would hate my ‘news’. At twilight, Jasper decided he had imposed on us for too long and went to leave. I argued weakly, but he insisted on going. “Besides, you need to tell Steven. Tonight. I’ll come see you tomorrow, I swear.”
“What do you need to tell Steven?” a dry voice asked from behind me once I had shut the door. I whirled around, forming half-baked ideas in my mind. Nothing convincing grew though, so I decided stalling would be my best bet. I asked Steven if I could have a word, and followed him into his room. He immediately sank onto his bed, but I stayed standing – all the better to run if he started yelling. “Um,” I hedged, “do you…d’you think it’s possible to love two people at once?” Steven looked up at me with wide, empty eyes and nodded once, very slowly. I still couldn’t think of anything else to put him off.
“God, you so don’t want to hear this…” I fiddled with Mitsu’s bracelet anxiously. Steven just waited silently. “I…I’m pregnant. It’s Mitsu’s baby, so it’s been maybe four, five weeks. I want to keep it. I wasn’t going to tell you yet, but…” I rushed through my confession, the words tripping over each other. Steven breathed in deeply, standing up. Each movement was slow and steady as he leaned on the windowsill. “That’s why you got dizzy…and why you didn’t like the chicken…and why Jasper’s being so careful around you.” It wasn’t a question but I still nodded, bracing myself for his full reaction.
She was pregnant… That means she had… done… she and Mitsu had… I shook my head, rubbing my temples and watching the dying sunlight. At sixteen… she wasn’t ready to be a mother, no matter how much love she could have, and… I wasn’t ready to be an uncle. I’d have to be an uncle… I paced back and forth for a few moments, trying to get my thoughts together. My mind was surprisingly blank, I didn’t feel any real feeling other than…like there was no oxygen in the air I breathed.
Charlotte looked at me worriedly and I held up my hand to stop her from talking. She’d… this could ruin her future… I shook my head again, trying to gather some thought together. And then, as if something had been damming my thoughts, everything flooded in at once. Julian… George… Charlotte… Mitsu… Jasper… Rin… I doubled up, clutching my stomach, and Charlotte then put her hand softly on my shoulder. I should have noticed… I should have… I stood back up straight, messing up my hair, and opened my mouth to speak. But as the first few syllables escaped my mouth, I felt totally drained. “It’s… Mitsu would…” I couldn’t finish my sentence. I swayed were I stood, falling to the floor, my vision blurring and beginning to fade, disappearing into the black as Charlotte’s knees swept into view.
