I panicked. It didn’t seem possible that this news would bring on such a…violent reaction. I bent over to check his pulse and breathing – they were regular – and was just about to scoop him up when I realised that I should not carry anything. “Rin!” I yelled, “Rin! Could you get in here, like, right now please?” He took a while and eventually wandered in, a look of slight sarcasm on his aging face. Then, in the space of maybe a second, it changed to confusion, then disbelief, then shock, then horror. He gathered up Steven’s limp body in his arms and carried him to the bed, laying him out. “What happened?” he demanded, not looking up from Steven’s face. His eyes were closed, his face practically translucent. I shoved my hair back roughly, one hand protectively hovering over my stomach. “Nothing! I just…I told him some news and…I don’t think he took it so well…” Rin finally spared me a disparaging glance. “What news?”
I looked away; nerves were rocking through me. It was so stupid, but I was more worried about telling Rin than I had been about telling Steven…probably because Steven, as my brother, would have no choice but to stick by me. Rin, on the other hand, could well throw me out of my home and take away my job. I took a deep, rattling sigh. “I, erm, told him that…I am…umm…I’m sort of…I’m kinda…well, I’m…pregnant.” It came out barely above a whisper. Rin’s expression immediately hardened. He drew himself up to his full height and strode over, towering above me. His hands gripped the top of my arms tightly so that I couldn’t move; I couldn’t escape.
“Are you stupid?” I looked at the floor. “Yes,” I whispered, “I think so…” He shook his head, stepping back with a sigh. And then – so fast that I could not anticipate it at all – his hand flew out and hit my cheek. The force of his punch made me stumble backwards, into the wall. Although I didn’t want to, I made myself look at Rin. He looked angry and concerned, but not apologetic. “Would you leave me with my brother, now,” I asked, maintaining a polite tone of voice – with difficulty. He nodded. “Of course…what was I think, intruding like this…” His voice trailed away as he padded out of the room.
I tripped over to Steven’s bed and sank to the floor, gasping for breath. “I’m…so sorry, Steven,” I breathed. My whole body felt heavy, and every shallow breath took a great effort. Maybe it seemed ridiculous, but I knew that I could not get rid of the small person inside of me – the small piece of Mitsu. Whoever this foetus turned out to be, they were the only tangible reminder of Mitsu that could ever matter. I hadn’t expected this, but…Even though I was only sixteen, I knew that I had to have this baby. It was all that mattered to me right now. I had been worried that I was too selfish to have a baby; I didn’t have the right to look after another human being. ‘But that,’ Jasper had told me, ‘is what makes you worthy of this person. The fact that you realise it is a human; you will treat it as such. I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful mother.’ I wasn’t so sure, but…well, I had to try.
I rubbed my cheek carefully. It was already swelling from Rin’s punch. I wondered if it would bruise. “Oh my god! No actual way!” I heard Rikku’s shout from the other room with horror. Rin had told them. And their reaction clearly wasn’t good…But one step at a time. My brother was more important at the moment. “I am so, so…sorry…I’m sorry, okay? Please wake up, I’m sorry.”
I stirred, my eyes opening blearily and noticing Charlotte asleep in a chair by my bedside. I turned over, wincing as my shoulder darted with pain, and noticed the complete blackness of the sky outside. I then realised the room was black too, someone had turned the light out. I tried to stretch slightly but the pain shot back, I must have fallen hard. I also noticed that my bare flesh was touching the fabric of the bedcovers, looking beneath them to notice that (thankfully) my underwear was still on. Rin would have been the one to undress me… Did he know about Charlotte’s..? The thought hit me again, and all the others now associated with it, and I felt the darkness envelope me once more. I was simply… far too tired.
I was trapped in a nightmare. It was an illogical, nonsensical blur of images and sounds…but it still left me with a chill of fear. I struggled to escape, but I only wore up when I slipped off the bed and hit the floor with a heavy thud. Instantly my arms wrapped protectively around my stomach, and it took me a few minutes to re-orientate myself before I stood up, rubbing my cheek. It was aching worse than before. I checked on Steven, but he was still out; the only change was his gentle snores. The room was dark, but there was a hint of sunlight over the hill out Steven’s window. I groaned softly; what time was it? I checked my watch and found myself in the late hours of early morning.
The flat was empty when I wandered through to the kitchen. Everyone must still be in bed. My head was spinning and my mouth was dry, so I decided to pour myself a glass of water. The sound of the tap running seemed ridiculously loud, and the empty glass shook in my hand as I went to put it under the tap. I took a deep gulp of refreshingly cold water and rested against the worktop. “Hello, baby…” I wondered if it could hear me; if it would like my voice. “You,” I whispered, “are going to be the most loved little person in this whole world.” I sighed. What right did I have to bring up such a special child? There was no way I could look after another person, another human being.
These thoughts were dizzying me, and a sudden light-headedness sent the glass crashing to the floor. It shattered, the pieces scattering wildly across the tiles, at the same time as a stabbing pain shot through me. A gasp echoed in my head, and I knew it must have come from me – nobody else was even awake. My mind was fixated purely on the baby; would they be okay? Would they survive? Was this a punishment, did I do something wrong? I grabbed the phone with shaking hands and dialled Jasper’s number as quickly as I could mention. “Hello?” his voice croaked in response, after a excruciating wait.
“Jasper, it-it’s me, it’s Charlotte,” I gasped, “I-I-I n-need you, please, it’s urgent. It’s the b-baby. Please, I kn-know it’s early but, ah!” I heard a sharp intake of breath on the other side before he spoke again, “Okay, I’ll be right there, I’m leaving right now, okay? Is someone else with you?” I shook my head before realising he couldn’t see me and whispering, “N-no.” Jasper was picking up his keys over the phone. “Alright,” he commanded, “I’m just leaving. Wake someone up and get them to sit you down and pour you some water. Do it! Right now.” Then he hung up, and I was alone again.
Despite Jasper’s words, I didn’t wake anyone up. Nobody wanted me to have this baby; why would anyone help me save it? I stumbled over to the sofa in a haze and collapsed onto it, still trying to pull in oxygen from the seemingly stale air. It seemed a painfully long time before I heard a loud rap on the door. I dragged myself up and tripped over to the door blearily, wrenching it open just in time to pass out into Jasper’s arms.
