I'm totally wondering what the rest of the original commission was like now. I'm all intrigued and stuff now.
Can't really add too much more that everyone else hasn't already mentioned, so I'll just say that once again you've proven yourself to be a master dialoguist.
Baron of Terribad (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 07/23/08 | Reply
I like Terese's terse attitude (it goes with her name!). I'm also curious about the world itself and what led up to the situation -- the powers Genevra normally has and why she cannot use them currently, and so on. If you expanded this, I would read it. :)
I think you are much better with your speech tags than am I. =P I need to practice getting creative with them.
There are a few spots I have questions about, though. (Suggestions only, of course. Some people tend to act as if my word is law or something. o_O)
When she just quietly went back to her work, Genevra finally couldn’t resist asking, “Are you sure they’re not coming in?”
The 'finally' in that sentence implies a pause of at least noticeable length, but the pacing of the sentence belies it. In less blither, it feels quicker than I know it wants to be; it feels like maybe two and a half seconds, and I think it's actually more like thirty or forty. (That's an excruciatingly long amount of time in silence.) The two options I immediately think of are either to get creative and split into two sentences at the comma, with filler material as necessary, or to detach the spoken section from the rest and toss a tag after it.
“But you’ll have to trust in this arrogance of mine for now… it’s not as if you could do anything about them yourself.”
I question the ellipses there . . . at least, the way it's used. If you're going for a pause with that exact dialogue, then maybe an em dash or a semicolon would be better served, or even another separator like 'She paused' or sommat. Either that, or alter it to ". . . mine for now . . . and it's not as if . . . ." That kind of thing.
“… well.” Terese turned to face Genevra fully.
This ellipsis I just flat don't like. (Personally, of course. I mean no insult.) Again I think you went for a pause, but it's not really communicated, and also causes the word to lose a bit of the "oh-ho-HO" aspect I think it wants to carry. But since the exact motion there isn't clear to me, I can't suggest a way to alter it; I can't really tell if the 'well' happens before or after Terese looks straight at her charge.
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That said, I like the take on '(don't go) into the woods'. I wish I could tell the setting more clearly; it seems fantasy, but could be twists on several different things. Marf. =P
I am curious as to what the creatures are. They certainly don't sound like something I would want to meet by the woods. I enjoyed the witty dialogue and you did well at creating a sense of suspense and unease. Nice job I hope it did/does well at the auction ^_^
SomeGuy
Canadian Liaison (Team) | Posted 07/24/08 | Reply
I'm totally wondering what the rest of the original commission was like now. I'm all intrigued and stuff now.
Can't really add too much more that everyone else hasn't already mentioned, so I'll just say that once again you've proven yourself to be a master dialoguist.
Yeah, I just made that up. Take that.
Shinmaru
Baron of Terribad (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 07/23/08 | Reply
I like Terese's terse attitude (it goes with her name!). I'm also curious about the world itself and what led up to the situation -- the powers Genevra normally has and why she cannot use them currently, and so on. If you expanded this, I would read it. :)
Love thy Evangelion.
Allamorph
Spiritus Memorae (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 07/23/08 | Reply
I think you are much better with your speech tags than am I. =P I need to practice getting creative with them.
There are a few spots I have questions about, though. (Suggestions only, of course. Some people tend to act as if my word is law or something. o_O)
The 'finally' in that sentence implies a pause of at least noticeable length, but the pacing of the sentence belies it. In less blither, it feels quicker than I know it wants to be; it feels like maybe two and a half seconds, and I think it's actually more like thirty or forty. (That's an excruciatingly long amount of time in silence.) The two options I immediately think of are either to get creative and split into two sentences at the comma, with filler material as necessary, or to detach the spoken section from the rest and toss a tag after it.
I question the ellipses there . . . at least, the way it's used. If you're going for a pause with that exact dialogue, then maybe an em dash or a semicolon would be better served, or even another separator like 'She paused' or sommat. Either that, or alter it to ". . . mine for now . . . and it's not as if . . . ." That kind of thing.
This ellipsis I just flat don't like. (Personally, of course. I mean no insult.) Again I think you went for a pause, but it's not really communicated, and also causes the word to lose a bit of the "oh-ho-HO" aspect I think it wants to carry. But since the exact motion there isn't clear to me, I can't suggest a way to alter it; I can't really tell if the 'well' happens before or after Terese looks straight at her charge.
---------------
That said, I like the take on '(don't go) into the woods'. I wish I could tell the setting more clearly; it seems fantasy, but could be twists on several different things. Marf. =P
red tigress
Raid Boss (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 07/23/08 | Reply
Ah, cool, and super spooky. I liked Terese's character. nonchalant, yet strict. Anywho, nice one.
Magnus Lensherr
Otaku Legend | Posted 07/21/08 | Reply
I am curious as to what the creatures are. They certainly don't sound like something I would want to meet by the woods. I enjoyed the witty dialogue and you did well at creating a sense of suspense and unease. Nice job I hope it did/does well at the auction ^_^
Dranz