My life could pretty much get no worse than now, unless something horrible happened like Alex dying. Other than that, though, my life is utter shit and it's not going to get better anytime soon.
First of all, no one likes me. They might act like it on the surface, but I can still feel that little tinge of hatred underneath their facades. I don't even deserve that; I might have been a little anger-prone when I was little, but I've changed since then, and I seriously try to be pleasant to everyone. Even though I guess I'm a pessimistic and cynical sort of person, so maybe some people think I'm mean because of that, but I've never actually been hateful to anyone. I keep trying to tell myself that they hate me because they're jealous, which might be true, but who am I kidding -- who in their right mind would seriously want to be me?
Even my own family hates me, with maybe the exception of Amber (little sister), but she takes the dictators' (aka my parents) side more often than mine.
Another thing: I can do no right in this house. Oh, maybe they'll notice a good thing I do and commend me for it, but I never get anything out of it except getting to go to Alex's house -- whoopdeedoo (no offence, Alex). Since her house is just like a second home to me anyways, it feels wrong not to go, so why the hell would it make sense for me to view it as a prize for good behavior, or some shit like that?
For everyone 1 thing I do good, 6 things I've done bad are pointed back at me. Seriously. And these bad things are never even that serious -- Take today, for instance, told I couldn't go to Alex's house this weekend because I have 5 zeroes, 3 of which were assignments that were worth only 5 points anyway, and the other two I missed when I was gone that I have done and have yet to turn in. Seriously, what the fuck is with that? Especially since I have 6 A's and 2 B's, which is HUGELY improved from last year, when my average grade was a C- if I was lucky. And that class with the 3 zeroes? Yeah, that's one with an A.
My mom didn't even care hardly when I showed her the test I got back today in that class. I was hoping the PERFECT SCORE (only one of the class, I might add) would gentle the news that I'd "forgotten" to turn a few things in. It didn't, obviously. I'm serious, she looked at it, said something generic like "That's wonderful, I'm proud of you" in a semi-monotone voice, and then her eyes turned murderous and she held up the paper with the zeroes written down on it. Because it's totally normal to concentrate on 15 points lost instead of on a score of 51 out of 46. That's more than 110%. Something that I was actually proud of myself for, but I guess I shouldn't have been proud of it anyway because it obviously hardly matters.
And then I'm told I don't try enough. I don't tell them this, because I'm sure I'd get in trouble for it even though it was ages ago, but last year, I did maybe 4 assignments in Algebra in the beginning of the year, and then I didn't do ANYTHING for the rest of the entire year. So of course I'm not trying hard this year, when I've done every assignment EXCEPT like four! Seriously, I should be put in chains and beat until I'm as perfect as Chelsea (older sister), WHO DOES NO FUCKING WRONG IN THEIR MINDS.
I bet if she got a zero, all they'd do is say how sorry they were and ask if she was feeling okay. Probably give her something cool or let her go somewhere anyway, just because "she needed a break." Well, fuck that. Maybe why I've slacked a little this week is because I need a break, too. Ever thought of that? No, they don't think I deserve a break, because obviously someone as shitty and unworthy to be in this family as me NEVER deserves a break. All I deserve is to be their punching bag, something they can take out all their anger and hatred on. And if they ruin my life and mental stability in the process, it's just an added bonus!
It doesn't help that every single time I get the news I can't spend time with Alex during the weekend, I get all depressed and don't want to do anything anyway. And then I don't do anything, and more zeroes get put into the gradebooks, and there's even more of a reason I can't go to her house. How am I supposed to get out of a cycle like that, seriously? I'm pretty sure there's no way to. And even if I do get back on track and do more work, almost the SECOND I start to slip again they jump on my back and ground me for the rest of the week.
Not that I get to do anything anyway. I'm almost 16 years old and the pinnacle of my social life outside of school consists of going to Alex's house. Sad, isn't it? They won't even let me go to an anime convention this summer, because I'm "too young" -- excuse me, but it's a family con with contests for even FUCKING FIVE YEAR OLDS. If a stupid little five year old could go to it, I think I sure as hell can too. Oh yeah, and you know that contest? I forgot, it was for five year olds AND UNDER. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK. I'll save this topic for later, though -- I could get probably five pages worth of ranting out of it, no joke.
But yeah. My life is a horrible mess right now, and every time I try to fix it, my HOPES AND DREAMS get crushed by the bastards who call themselves my parents just for one little thing I do wrong.
Now I'll ask my question: how is any of that good parenting?
