I like it. It flows well, but I will agree with the last line being a bit awkward. I can tell you want to use the word sham and the description of the curls but idk how to make that work for you. i love them both but it is the connectors "can not bring" i think it is the 'bring', perhaps the word itself does not hold enough resonance, yes? Other than that I loved the descriptions and how they are familiar and cling to your skin as the narrator does this woman. Beautiful as always love!
SaturnSakura
Pixie Bard (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 12/29/09 | Reply
@RedNaBoxOCrayons:
=] thank you so much!!
RedNaBoxOCrayons
Otakuite | Posted 12/29/09 | Reply
I like it. It flows well, but I will agree with the last line being a bit awkward. I can tell you want to use the word sham and the description of the curls but idk how to make that work for you. i love them both but it is the connectors "can not bring" i think it is the 'bring', perhaps the word itself does not hold enough resonance, yes? Other than that I loved the descriptions and how they are familiar and cling to your skin as the narrator does this woman. Beautiful as always love!
SaturnSakura
Pixie Bard (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 10/23/08 | Reply
so that last line was originally: "Its sham can not bring back the curling of your brunette locks." but i didnt like that either