Needs Help!

This might be illegal in the rpg to get help with the sample story but i need help.
When i...wait..did i say this in the last post?
Oh...
I need help with grammar and characterization! I dont know how much more i can put into his personality in a situation like this but maybe you guys have sum ideas!
Oh if you guys wanna join you can ask.X3 ill point you to the page!

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Character is Kyo Sohma if you dont know!
<b>Sample Post:</b> "Ok...how the hell did I end up in a stupid place like this!!" Kyo screamed at the top of his lungs at the top of a cliff. "I know i havent been traveling for so freaking long that I would end up at the ocean, Im i even supposed to end up here!!" He turned around to look back into the woods. He was extremly confused, and started trying to figure out the situation in his mind.

"Alright...lets see, I left that stupid dog's house about 6 hours ago....How in the hell did i end up here!!!!!" He stared down at the water. ".....Oh God...I do not want to fall...Hey! Why am i getting so upset! Im not a sissy like that rat boy!....maybe i should retrase my...steps...yeah thats a good idea....I get this letter inviting me to this university telling me that they wanted me and that they could help me....Then their directions suck!! What the hell!...And i really wanted to get stronger too." He squats down and stares out at the ocean. "...now what?..."

Suddenly a storm starts to pick up around the cliff extremly quickly. The sky turns almost black and lightning starts to flash all over the place.

"What the hell? It was so peaceful just a couple of moments ago..." Kyo mumbled to himself. Suddenly a lightning strikes some trees behind him and starts a blaze behind him. He was trapped, there was no easy way out, either down the rocky cliff or through the blaze. "What the F-?" Then just a couple seconds later another bolt strikes the side of the cliff and it starts to crumble under Kyo's feet. "Wha?!" He doesnt manage to get out of the way and he starts to fall down the cliff and into the water.

The plunge into the water knocks the wind out of him and he passes out. Soon after his lifeless body gets pushed to shore. He twitches and slowly opens his eyes, then after coming to in a second he shoots up and runs up onto the beach.

"Aahhh! I hate the water!" He ripps his shirt off and rings it out. "What the hell was that?! I could have been killed!" He seemed to be talking to the trees. "What in the? Where did the cliff go?! There is just something not right about this place!"

He started to just run through the woods. "Stupid strange letter!! What is going on here?" Up ahead there he noticed a break in the trees. "Yes i can finally get out of this hell hole!!" But when he got there wat he found wasnt what he was expecting at all. What he seemed to have found was some sort of campus.

"No...no way....is this it? Is this the University? But how did I? Is this even possible? He said to himself in awe.

RPG

There is an RPG on live journal that i want to join called Moska(sp) University.

It is so hard to get into.

I posted an application for it and it had to include a little short story showing off how well you know the character you want to play.

I want to play as Kyo Sohma.

They answered back that my grammar sucks(didnt say sucks but thats pretty much that it said) and that i didnt show enough characterization.

.....Kyo isnt hard to figure out so i dont know what else they want...

1000 Views!

Raines Room has gotten over 1000 views now!
That makes me really happy.<3
Now I have to get lees angel over 1000. its at 600 sumthing.X3
Better go post sumthing there!^^

Rai-chan

Cant break 90

I really dont mean to complain or anything but i cant seem to keep over 90 subscribers. ive had 93 but i cant seem to keep them
It really sucks cuz ive been working hard lately and commenting a lot...
i feel like i am being left behind with all the people i was secretly competing with.^^'
Well...thats all of my complaining...ill just suck it up and go on...as long as i dont drop to 89 i wont faint or anything.><
I dont like loosing subsribers...makes me feel like my art sucks are sumthing.><

I unsubsibed to a lot of ppl because my box was being flooded with stuff and i was missing my friends stuff so i really dont want to just subsribe to random ppl...

Well thanks for listening to me complain.^^'

Rai-chan

To Kiki

I am really tired of dealing with this and i know this can go on forever so...

I am sorry! I am sorry for being a bitch! And I am sorry that i hurt ur feelings with my picture. I Honestly didnt mean any harm when i posted it. I never thought it was a big deal. I mean if some one drew raine flipping us all off i really wouldnt care. Id actually think it would be funny. I dont beleive any one was trying to make fun of ur character when they commented nor was I.
I didnt post it to spite you are anything,a request for luna. If it really is that bad I will take it down soon. So please get everyone off my back. I dont need any more crap than i already have.

Again I am Sorry. I am sorry about all the mean things i said behind ur back but you just really pissed me off. Im sorry if i was being a bitch so again sorry.

If its too late, then there is nothing left for me to do.

Rai-chan