PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE IGNORE THIS. I don't want to upset any of you, and nor do I want to cause any harm. It's just that I don't really have a diary that I write in...I prefer to type...and this is probably the best place to do it since I try to be truthful to you all and to myself. BUT PLEASE IGNORE THIS. IT IS JUST A HUGE VENT/RANT/TALK TO MYSELF(kinda).
I am sorry, I just really need to vent. Self-esteem is a HUGE thing for me, but that's not the only thing that is reallyyy bothering me.
FRUSTRATION FRUSTRATION FRUSTRATION.
UGHHHH I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS THAT IS MY PROBLEM. I HAVE A GOAL, I NEED TO STICK WITH IT. ONE STEP AT A TIME. BUT WHY ARE LITTLE STEPS SOO HARD!!
Aghhh so I've been having problems with my weight. Yeah, I've already been aware of this since quite a few years back when I put on some what, 30-40 pounds or something? Yeahhhh activity-wise, I'm not really healthy. Food-wise, better than my exercise, but food-wise, veryyy bad mindset.
It's not so much that I eat really unhealthily, in fact, my diet is pretty balanced. But oh man is it filled with things that I shouldn't be eating sometimes: Pasta is my favorite food, chips are love, and even healthy things get almost overeaten a lot of the time.
Well now I've eliminated the chips almost completely. I haven't eaten one since what...a year and a half ago now?
Pasta, well I try and avoid it at all costs. It's still my favorite food, not gonna lie, but I barely eat it nowadays. Maybe once every 2 months?
And healthy foods...well still trying to cut back on portions to reduce stomach size...not working very well.
Even better than all of that, from the 30-40 pounds I gained, I lost about 20 of it. Great right? SURE, but OMG I NEVER THOUGHT 40 WOULD SEEM LIKE SUCH A BIG NUMBER. OMG...it seems like FOREVERRRRR and EVERRR and the 6 months I spent trying to get rid of that 20 were almost MISERABLE, not gonna lie. Some days I would practically starve myself to stay under 1000 calories: and yes, it DID work, but was it a pleasant experience? No, not really. Salad for 2/3 meals a day, and when I wanted to eat something I liked, I would have to eliminate something else of course, and that would still make me upset. Sorry, but in this world I've realized you can't always have both.
Ah yeah, I know. From this, I sound like a total pig or something. And I guess in a way, yeah I am. Thing is, I HATE THAT I AM LIKE THIS. >.< And hate being the strong word that it is, I MEAN IT. I HATE HATE HATE IT T__T I love things too much sometimes: whether it's drawing, or food, or playing piano....ughhh I just DON'T have anything that I really DISLIKE that I can even USE to HELP me get rid of this problem I have with food.
In fact, I LIKE almost everything, there is nothing I really hate or fear at all. Like, if a psychologist tried to get me to hate certain foods by pairing them with an unpleasant thing like that thought of a killer or something, it just WOULDN'T WORK, and I KNOW so because that's not enough to take me away from something that could be essential to my health or something I love, etc. I know killers are human, and I think they are REALLY wrong and essentially I DO dislike them, but even the thought of something as radical as THAT doesn't change my motivation much!
AND IT IS FRUSTRATING BEYOND WORDS. I WANT outside help from a professional or something, but at the same time I REALLY don't want anyone random coming and helping me with something like this. My family is giving me support and tons of it, but it just DOESN'T seem to be enough no matter HOW much I love and appreciate it!! But I WANT it to be enough! T__T
My friends barely even know about this problem I have with my weight. In fact I haven't even told ANY of you guys about this up until now(of which case, this would be a really hypocritical statement because I asked you guys not to read this, and yet I'm speaking like I'm actually venting like a regular post...).
But ANYWAYS, I am just so exhausted with trying to come up with ways that just end up being inconsistent all the time. I feel like I'm doing a lot to try and change, but at the same time I think I'm really not doing enough. My eating, my activities...I don't know if they've really gotten a whole lot better, or if they are just the same as before.
Problem with me that I hate more than anything in the world? I am TERRIBLY TERRIBLY HORRIBLY inconsistent. WITH EVERYTHING I have ever done except go on the computer, I am SO inconsistent. I don't have a routine everyday, I don't have things that I really know I do everyday besides basic things like brush my teeth and shower etc, and I don't really keep a set bedtime either.
EVERYTHING has been inconsistent. EVEN things I love, like drawing, I have never been consistent with at all.
It just seems like, no matter HOW much I want anything, because there are just SO many things I want that I feel like I'm not getting despite my efforts, I'm just not going anywhere. Like running in place and not getting exercise despite the running and not going anywhere at the same time.
I am going to be really honest. I weight 150(or about that amount anyway) pounds, and I used to be almost 170. I still have 25 more pounds to lose. Or at least my doctor says.
And I WANT to do what he says!! And become healthier, thinner, faster, more athletic!! In fact, the benefits for being a lesser weight are almost endless!! Most importantly, I'LL BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF. And I can't even begin to IMAGINE what that would feel like.
But I don't understand...even something as pressing or as concerning as my weight and HEALTH aren't enough to get me to WORK AGAIN. I'm aiming for smaller goals, sure, but if nothing happens, it's REALLY discouraging, you know?
I was SOOO thin back in elementary school and middle school it was CRAZY. REALLYYY fit, healthy and exercising EVERYDAY for at LEAST 45 minutes to an hour of intense workout-I was almost underweight hahahaha. High school KILLED that possibility-but people at my school are still finding ways to stay super thin. And I want to be like them...but I find that I get bored with things much more easily, and that I'm almost less-motivated since daily exercise is almost out of my daily lifestyle nowadays. Getting it back IN my daily lifestyle is the change that needs to happen. I KNOW IT.
And one time I got in the most UPSETTING argument of my life with my family one time and my dad yelled at me and told me "IF YOU F*** KNOW IT, THEN DO IT. WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING AROUND? WE ARE HERE TO SUPPORT YOU, AND YET YOU DO NOTHING EVEN THOUGH YOU ALWAYS SAY YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. DO IT! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!"
UGH and I couldn't answer because even I don't know what my problem is!!! And I just started crying. And crying! I felt the most HORRIBLE feeling in my gut ever because I KNOW it's my fault, I KNOW I'm responsible for the way I am now, I KNOW I can control how I will be, and I KNOW that my weight is just another obstacle like a long-term homework assignment.
WHAT KIND OF HYPOCRITICAL PERSON AM I?! T_________________T
I know that I've got the power to change myself! I know that it's all up to me! I know that I've got family and friends to support me and they'll help me whatever it takes!! I know that spending 30 minutes a day out of a 24 hour HUGE length of time is not long for exercise! I KNOW THAT IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY AND NO ONE ELSE'S.
BUT. NOTHING. SEEMS. TO. BE. WORKING.
AND REALLY, I am at the point of GIVING UP.
But at the same time, I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP AT ALL!!
In fact, losing weight(not going to lie yet again) is what I want more than anything in the world! I would choose losing 5 pounds over a million dollars ANY DAY. It's THAT valuable to me. And it may sound superficial but it's more about APPRECIATING MYSELF and hard work/effort that I do rather than being slim and thin like the latest celebrity and blah. I've wanted to be the best at SO many things, but I always come in 2nd or 3rd. I want to be the FIRST. AT ONE THING. If I can't even come in first place when it comes to MYSELF, then how on EARTH can I be first at anything else?!
And this plan I'm doing..where I'm gradually reducing my calories and gradually increasing the amount of exercise? It'll work after like...forever and a half, sure, but REALLY, I DON'T WANT TO GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT WHILE WAITING FOR THIS PLAN TO TRULY IMPLEMENT ITSELF. Meaning, in that time that I'm steadily reducing my calories, THE NUMBER IS STILL RELATIVELY HIGH. Won't that have a role? HECK YES. AND I DON'T WANT IT TO. But at the same time, RADICAL DIET CHANGES DON'T WORK. I'VE TRIED.
AND I HATE THAT I DON'T LIKE WAITING A LONG TIME FOR THINGS TO TAKE PLACE. IN TRUTH, I AM NOT PATIENT AT ALL. FOR ANYTHING, except drawing.
As for exercise? I can't be consistent with it at all unless I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME. And for most exercises, where a person is alone, that's like..NEVER. I almost always have to be with someone and in the moment for it to be effective. I feel like I'm so not in the here-and-now, even though I want to be.
Ugh but maybe it's not about how much I WANT it. It's actually GETTING THERE. But I think about things SO much that it makes that goal almost impossible to achieve.
You can NOT be successful in life if you think too much. I know I won't if I keep going this way. It won't help me, and it certainly won't help anyone else because if I complain it will seem like I'm throwing the blame on them, and that has happened MORE than enough times in my life with my family. That's why my dad almost went into severe depression, and that's why my sister and mom don't really like me too much when I complain about myself.
I know I can't blame them, I don't WANT to blame them, and they don't deserve it for ANYTHING. They've done nothing but help me, but still they think I'm a problem in that way?
Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I never came into this world. But then I remember I've got wonderful friends, things I love, and people that care about ME. So what good would that do? It's not like I can take back the past anyways. I was born. So I need to deal with it.
AND DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH IT BOTHERS ME WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT THEY ARE GOING TO KILL THEMSELVES/STOP DOING SOMETHING THEY LOVE/LEAVE PEOPLE THAT THEY KNOW BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE THEIR WORK OR THEY AREN'T WELL-LIKED ENOUGH?!
APPRECIATE THAT YOU CAN EVEN SHOW YOUR ART PEOPLE AND THAT YOU HAVE FRIENDS THAT LOVE YOU. REALLY. I AM SICK OF PEOPLE I AM CLOSE TO MOVING TO DA/KILLING THEMSELVES FOR THAT REASON, MOSTLY BECAUSE I CAN'T REALLY EVEN FOLLOW THEM! DA LAGGS TOO MUCH FOR ME.
And I know that's completely their decision, and it's not my right to make them stay and whatever else. But REALLY, is it about how much people like your work?! Why does it matter unless YOU like it??? I think art has almost lost its purpose when you are drawing based on how much people like it and not how much YOU like it. GET BACK INTO THAT MINDSET. THINK ABOUT WHY YOU LOVE ART AND ASK YOURSELF REALLY WHAT IT IS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR. AND SEE IT.
THAT is the end of my rant. It's not all the way done, but heck yes, that was a HUGE chunk of it. I am very upset about my weight- and the bad thing is about talking to friends about a situation like this is that they will always tell you "oh no, you're not overweight at all" and the like. It's really comforting to hear that but the reality is, I AM. And I HAVE to fix it. If you decided to read this, I just opened a door WIDE open about me that I hardly ever share to anyone at all.
Now this doesn't mean I am going to lose that person that I am in encouraging others and etc: it was just a rant because I'm feeling EXTREMELY upset. I'll be deleting this later, so I don't bother people with something so drastic from me.
So to whom it may concern, thank you for reading, if you did.
Hiya everyone!! OMG I have been away from this place for WAYYYY too long! I've missed you all so so much! And I feel terrible for saying this but I've only been able to look at your works and not comment...these past two weeks have been some of the busiest ever since Spring is coming closer >.< And I'm afraid that it might only get busier as the year continues.
But despite all of that, I'm really happy that I can post here again!! I've been spending more time on gaia since I've gotten back into doing commissions again to practice drawing chibis. However I'm only going to be doing that for a little while, because there is lots here that I have yet to get done.
On top of all of that, I'm more than happy to say that my shoulder is better and I can draw freely again! I even got the approval from my parents and sister and they gave me the OK to draw again! ^^ Not to mention I'm able to play piano more too and it doesn't hurt so much when I go out to play tennis and badminton. So I'm a very happy Sayura-chan ^^
The weather outside is beautiful today. I think that I might go and play tennis with my family in a little bit ^^ Take care everyone and I do hope you all are doing well!<3
Hello everyone!! ^^ Yesterday was an absolutely BLAST!<333 I celebrated my Mom's birthday and she and my Dad(yes they are very cool parents sometimes xD) wanted to watch Avatar in 3D and so...
WE DID.
HOLY WHOA IT WAS AMAZINGALfyasdfyprya;sfhl!
*calms down*
Anyways~ I really really loved the movie...although 2 and a half hours of 3D imaging reallyyyy hurt my eyes xDD Even so, I had a fantastic time eating dinner with my Mom and family(my dad is still home! ^^)~ and everything was just perfect<3
Except my shoulder...ughhh still kinda hurts T__T I tried working on Den-chan's late birthday gift today and GAH my shoulder started feeling sore again.
Nonetheless, I WILL finish ^^
Take care everyone~ and if you haven't seen Avatar..you MUST watch it! =P
EDIT: So I had an AMAZING XatChat with Den-chan, Wolfie-chan, and Ryu-chan after most of the chat had left, and they requested I draw Lelouch. xD Well...it got a bit out of hand after that but...after no erasing and such until the end...well, yeah LOL. Den-chan colored in his eyes...and added the..horse elements xD
Lulu-->Luluhorse
