I feel like a god damn teenager again. Its so stupid and I hate feeling things. I just want to be back to normal and not feeling like something is squeezing my entire chest. I remember now why I started drinking.
Let me start over. When I was on my long hiatus from here, I was in my sophomore year of high school. Around the end of that year, I gained a crush on someone in my school. Now this is a very large deal to me because I may like the person, but I might not be attracted to them. Over the summer, we talked and when I met him again my junior year, there was an instant attraction on my part. He was the second person I had ever been attracted to (the first being a young Harrison Ford and we know that wasn't going to happen). Two months into the school year we started dating.
Its now four and a half years later. We are in college. He knows what he wants to do with his life, he just doesn't know how to get there. I know what I want to do and how I get there, but they are two completely different lives. He wants to be a producer or photographer or videographer. He wants to be in the art and theater business. I want to be in the electrical and technology world. My major requires a great deal of time from me. His requires very little.
Now enter his new "best friend". This wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't a girl. He has had a girl for a best friend before, but this one is different. He talks about her all the time, he compares me to her. He is upset because he can spend more time with her (she is in the same college that he is) than he can with me because I have homework, activities, and projects to do. He has a couple of papers every now and then.
I on the other hand have code that it takes a doctorate professor seven hours to complete, or can't complete it at all. Now that equates to about 35 of my hours to complete this code, because they expect their students to do it 5 times as slow. Add in the homework for the classes as well. Oh! Don't forget that I also have labs that are due every week. Plus, I also have quizzes and exams to study to for when they come up on top of all of that. I'm vice president of an organization, I help with testing a high altitude weather balloon, and I am part of an international organization that writes the libraries for all the codes I use.
I understand him being upset that I don't have time for him. I really really do. Its that he kept it to himself for weeks. He enjoys his time with his friend, which makes him conscious about how unhappy he is with me. The worst of it is, I still love him, and he tells me he still loves me too. He said that I don't make myself pretty and he doesn't like that. He told me he wants me to start wearing makeup and doing my hair. Plus he told me he wants me to start waking up earlier in the day.
He told me that he would rather that I change my personality than us break up. What does that mean? Does that mean that he doesn't actually love me because I'm me? Or that he doesn't realize that he might love me now, but if I change my personality he might not? Thats not even including the fact that he expects that I can change my personality. I also don't wake up early in the day because I'm up late doing all that work I listed earlier. After three years of doing that, there is no way I can change my living habits just like that. Plus I actually like sleep.
Great. Now I've started to make myself cry.
Needless to say, I'm going through a really rough time right now. I'm putting the project on half hiatus until I can get my life sorted out and then I'll catch up with the ones I didn't do. This means I'll put them up every so often when I am in a right mind or have the time, but it won't be every day. I'll catch up on the ones I missed when everything is...different.
Hope everyone is doing well. I'm sorry for the wall of text but I needed to get it out. Ugh, I feel like a teenager.
