First of all, dear, the opening flows a lot more smoothly now! I'm so happy I could be of service. :D
The POV change didn't jar me at all. It just leaves me wondering (in the way that all good stories do) how the two pieces are going to connect, and I can't wait to read more and find out. You do a wonderful job with characterizing these people within a short period of time; I particularly liked how Rebecca is tightly scheduling her child's life when it isn't even born yet. And I want to hug Richard.
My only suggestion this time is a little stylistic one. Most of your paragraphs in here are fairly big. Which there's nothing at all wrong with, but something that was drilled into my head in workshops is that stories are generally easier to read when the paragraph lengths are varied. So maybe try breaking a few up here and there, just so as not to intimidate readers with the Wall O' Text (TM)?
I can't wait to see more of this. *hugs* You're such a good writer.
NightBeck
Otaku Eternal | Posted 07/20/08 | Reply
First of all, dear, the opening flows a lot more smoothly now! I'm so happy I could be of service. :D
The POV change didn't jar me at all. It just leaves me wondering (in the way that all good stories do) how the two pieces are going to connect, and I can't wait to read more and find out. You do a wonderful job with characterizing these people within a short period of time; I particularly liked how Rebecca is tightly scheduling her child's life when it isn't even born yet. And I want to hug Richard.
My only suggestion this time is a little stylistic one. Most of your paragraphs in here are fairly big. Which there's nothing at all wrong with, but something that was drilled into my head in workshops is that stories are generally easier to read when the paragraph lengths are varied. So maybe try breaking a few up here and there, just so as not to intimidate readers with the Wall O' Text (TM)?
I can't wait to see more of this. *hugs* You're such a good writer.