I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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I'm at a crossroads. Kinda. I have to make a choice, and a pretty big choice at that.
To be a homeowner or not.
Remember how I'm living kinda illegally with my friend? Well, I've been looking for a new place to get out, but a lot of the apartments are $600 and over. And if I'm gonna pay that much, I might as well look into the possibility of getting a house and owning it so my monthly payments are going somewhere, and I can earn some equity.
The only thing I'm really worried about is having to actually pay for things that go wrong, which in all the places I've rented, have been pretty nonexistent. And what if, in 5 years or something, I decide I don't want to live in Sioux Falls anymore and I want to move to Omaha or something? I can't just pick up and move. Not as easily, anyway. But the chances of that are pretty slim, too. I mean, I have a job here, and my friends are here... for now. If they would leave, then I'd start panicking about wanting to get out.
But just thinking about having my own place. Mine. Sounds amazing. I can have my own garden, I can repaint the fuck out of all the rooms if I want, I can have pets and not worry about fees. I can do whatever the fuck I want. That aspect alone makes me want to just do it!
I've been looking at what's available, and there are actually a lot of choices. I just have to figure out how high I'm willing to go. I'd rather stick lower so I can pay the house off faster, but there are some awesome houses for a few thousand more! Ugh.
I don't know about you guys, but it has been a long week for me. Not necessarily in things being done, but it's been very trying emotionally.
Tuesday, Joe texts me to tell me that his best friend Annie's (the one that last February, I found out through Rich- Joe's roommate who was in love with me- that Joe had left out the fact that Joe and Annie had slept together before he met me. They both know Annie's in love with Joe, and they both know that Joe doesn't return the feelings. Well, last year, when I found out about Joe and Annie, that made me apprehensive about them hanging out, and when I told Joe that, he got all dramatic and said he'd never see her again and blah blah. Five minutes later, he tells me Annie might have cancer. I saw her that summer. She didn't have cancer. I think she lied about it to keep Joe in her life because I wasn't about to let him ignore her if she really was going through cancer. And that turned me off on Annie, and makes me not really like her. Not to mention the fact that I couldn't work at the other golf course so that Joe and I could be public because she would have been my direct boss and Joe couldn't guarantee that she wouldn't resent me. Like what the fuck? It's my fault Joe chose me over her? No. So I just don't trust her) mom may be dying. And he doesn't know what of. And that threw up some red flags. First of all, if they are such good friends, why didn't she tell him what her mom may or may not be dying from? Or why didn't he ask? I feel like it's prettying important to know. And may be dying? They don't know? And he's like, I offered to buy her plane ticket back home but she wouldn't accept it. If she's not going to go home, that makes me really feel like it's not all that important. But maybe she'll go home with her own money? Who knows. Haven't heard about that, yet.
I'll admit, though, I got a little jealous about that because Joe can't even pay for one of my beers, but he'll buy Annie a fucking plane ticket? What about that time I was stranded in Vegas because my friends and I missed our flight and I had to call him to book the flight for me since we didn't have internet, and he never offered to pay for my ticket then. Granted, no one was dying then, and the circumstances are drastically different, but I just get the feeling that he treats Annie better than he does me.
My friends think that he treats her better than me, too, and that I should leave him, but I don't know about that, yet. I was so set on it, too, but I was gonna give him a few days to work over the Annie's mom thing.
But he wanted to hang out last night, like go out, and we haven't done that in so long that I said yes. Most of it was him venting to me about how horrible his life is. And the things he was telling me about would frustrate anyone. I can't imagine going through what he's dealing with. And he doesn't know how to make things better in his life, and he's just lost. I have no idea how to help him. It's not really something someone else can help him with. He's got to figure it out on his own, and he doesn't know how, and I don't know how to help. It sucks.
But we got drunk and had a decent time in the end. I drove us back to his place.
I should mention that yesterday, I stopped at an adult superstore (porn store) and bought some sexy lingerie. I love what I bought. I think it looks great on me. It's purple and black with lace and bows and ugh. My kind of thing. I didn't tell Joe about what I got, he thought I was getting something else. And so I put that on for Joe when we got back to his place, and it was kind of cute, because I had to turn the light back on and I just kind of stood there not sure what to do. I've never worn anything like that before. And he just pulled me to him and he basically ravaged me. It was great. And he wanted to video tape it on his phone. And I'm iffy about doing that kind of thing. I trust him and I'm not worried about him doing something with it. But I just never know how to act. Do I look at the camera? Do I play up everything? What. So we basically recorded everything we did, and I know he really liked it, and I was okay with it, and when we were all done, we're laying there, and he's like, you didn't like that. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about, of course I did. And he's like, I'm talking about the video. I'll delete it, and I told him he didn't have to. And he just was being difficult about it and was so adamant about it that he got up and went and deleted it, and I was pissed because I was hoping to watch it all then and see what we had all taped. And he doesn't listen to me. And I told him that he's got to quit thinking that he always knows what I'm thinking, and he's like, okay. And turned his back on me. This morning was awkward because we slept in until 11:30 and I left while he was in the shower without much of a goodbye. I mean, he knew I was gonna leave, but it was just weird.
Also, yesterday and most of today, our assistant golf pro, B, has been texting me. All innocent enough. Just talking about anything and everything. But it's just weird because we've known each other for over a year, and this is the first time we've really talked. Not sure if there's an ulterior motive or not.
I am so fucking tired. Mentally and physically. I wish I could get out in words just how fucking stressed out I am. And what's really odd is that I don't really have any reason to be. I have so many great things going for me.
My new car, I moved into a better place, I have so many great things to look forward to in the summer, a decent job, etc.
But...
I am just so tired of walking on eggshells around my friends. I love them all, but there are things I just can't take anymore. I hate A's boyfriend. She deserves so much better. My roommate makes me feel like I'm her second choice since she's gotten her own boyfriend. He tricks her into coming into town to see her and then stay with him and ruins our girls night in. If I see her, it's in between her time with him. It's like he's more important than me. I can't say anything to them because they are in the novelty stages of their relationship where the boyfriends can do no wrong and it wouldn't do much good anyway. I'm tired of having to assure people that they are amazing, beautiful, funny, talented, etc when I get none of those compliments back. I'm tired of not knowing what kind of relationship Joe and I have. I'm tired of not having stability. I'm tired of having no consistency with him. I'm tired of being the support beam for people but having no one there for me. I am alone. I feel so utterly and completely alone. I'm tired of having to fake a smile and be okay. I'm fucking tired of not being able to say what I really want because I'm more worried about what the other person thinks of me than what I think of myself. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not liking who's staring back at me. I hate how I look, how I am acting, how I'm feeling. And I can't talk to anyone because it would do no good. I see A once a week. Why ruin the one night by talking about stupid shit that will eventually go away? E has her own problems that I don't need to add to, not to mention she doesn't have the time for me, so why ruin the little time we do have together. I never fucking know when I'm going to see Joe, and when I do, we hardly ever fucking talk. I'm fucking tired of keeping everything in. I'm tired of hiding my true feelings.
I think I've just shouldered everything for so long, I'm snapping at the seams, and all the negativity I can usually channel elsewhere is coming out. I just need summer so I can get out and go do something physical.
I think that's why lately I would rather hang with my own family. My brothers love me so unconditionally. I'm their first choice. And it's so nice to be wanted. I don't have to compete and walk on eggshells around them. We tell each other everything and know no matter what, everything will be okay. We're family, and that's all that matters.
I just miss feeling being wanted.
I'm all moved into my new place. It's in a small town outside of the city I used to live in. It's in a crime free neighborhood, so I don't have to be scared of getting mugged every time I go outside! It's so friendly here, parents let their kids play outside on their own!
The only problem?
I was declined acceptance to be my friend's, who already does live here, roommate. It's an income based apartment, and adding me makes us make too much money.
So I'm living here without the landlord knowing.
We'll see how long this lasts.
The only thing is that my new apartment is across from the office. And I'm pretty sure the landlord saw my dad and brother taking some stuff out of the apartment on Monday morning.
But, the landlord can't prove that the stuff isn't my friends. If they ask me about it, I can say that I'm just visiting. No biggie. I hope...
My dad and brother came and helped me move everything. It was so nice to have them here helping me for a couple days. I love hanging with my family.
I just have to go back to my old place on thursday and help my old roommate finish cleaning the place up, which hopefully won't take too long. I hate cleaning, and I've had my fill already.
I'm still not fully unpacked. I got most everything put away. All that's really left are my pictures to hang and shelves to put up, which I think I'm going to wait until I have some help. I want opinions on where to put my stuff.
My walls look so bare and white right now.
