I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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Been a crazy week! I'm moving out of my current apartment and moving to a small town outside of Sioux Falls next weekend. Pretty excited. So I've been packing and moving all the little things that I can. My apartment feels so bare now!
The cleaning has been my least favorite part so far. But it'll be worth it when I am in my new place!
Valentine's DAy was a bust because Joe didn't want to do anything. So I was alone. Mainly packed. It was lame. You'd think I'd be used to not doing something with Joe on holidays now. Ever since my birthday in november, he's practically ruined every holiday for me.
I've been very irritable and angry lately. Don't know why, but everything just pisses me off and I get angrier at things that usually don't bother me all that much. It's frustrating.
Not to mention that I'm the only single girl out of my friend group now. So that's fun. I never do anything with people on the weekend anymore because they're all with their boyfriends. Fun.
Bleh.
One of my fanart won me a challenge!
I never thought it would happen! I am so happy right now!
I told my boss at the golf course I can't work there this summer. I have felt so torn about the decision for months. I love that job. I really do. But if I work there this summer, I'd be working 7 days a week for 7 months with no days off. The only time I'd get a day off is on a weekend when I requested it off. I can't do that with my work week job. SO I'd literally be working every day. I can't do that. I did it for 4 months last fall, and I hated working that much.
But I do really love the job. I mean, I meet so many people. I'm a people person. I love that interaction, I'll miss the friends I've made there. I'll miss the social aspect of it.
And a part of me knows that's where I could potentially meet someone because that's where I see the most single guys on a regular basis, but that's out this summer. But maybe that'll make me go out and do things now to meet someone. Who knows.
All I know is that summer is my favorite, and I want to be able to enjoy it. To be able to go outside and ride a bike or go to the park and read or draw or something. You know?
But I will miss every part of that job. Everything.
Got my wisdom teeth taken out a week ago. Had them out Monday. Back to work on Friday. Did I mention yet that I bought a car?
Ya, my dad went and checked it out Monday during my surgery, and then Tuesday my dad and I did a lot of running around to get some insurance on it and to check my bank for a decent loan rate. Wednesday, I spent most of my time at home doing nothing. And Thursday, my dad and I went back to Sioux Falls and picked up my new car!
His name is Raj.
It was a sweet fucking deal, too. 15,000 with about 8500 miles on it. And with the loan rate I got on it, it is very affordable. I put 8000 of my own money into it. Biggest check I have ever written. But so worth it to have a car in my own name paid for with my own money.
Well, my dad put 500$ into it on Monday so they'd hold it for us to get it on Thursday, but I plan on paying him back when I have the money saved up.
How've you all been?
I know a lot of you, and most of my friends and family hate my ex, Joe. Or don't like him very much. And I'm sure you all wonder why I stick around, why I can't leave him. I'm sure some of you chalk it up to me being a lovestruck woman who's dealing with her first love and can't let go.
You'd be right.
But it's so much more than that.
The love of my life has a mental illness. One that can't be fixed with a cast, splint, or a band-aid. Meds and therapy aren't always the solution for depression. Yes, they can help, but the side affects are so terrible it hardly makes them worth it. They make him sick, placid, uncaring. Did I mention they make you sick if they can't find the right dosage? It's not pleasant at all, and it's hard to want to keep trying when every time you have, you feel shitty and more terrible than you did when you went in.
I've been reading about how people don't treat depression or anxiety or any mental illnesses as seriously as, say, a broken leg. One's just more visible and provable. How frustrating is it when someone doesn't take you seriously when you suffer from hating yourself, suffer from self esteem issues, anxiety, etc? Very. You try to hide the fact you're suffering and do what's best for everyone else by pushing your own problems aside because society has taught you that it's not nearly as important that it's your own fault, your own problem.
I'm hoping some of you can relate.
Now, think about this. You go through a few weeks of being pretty okay with things, and then for a month or two you're just mad about everything. You hate yourself, the people around you. Everything. You hate everything. You don't want to feel this way. You can't help how you feel. You've tried. But nothing works. You want to be able to leave your room and feel okay, but it never works. You've contemplating killing yourself. What's the point of being here when you're all alone anyway because you push people away so as to not hurt them when you're upset and angry, which is more often than not. You can't hide your feelings anymore. You feel like you'll explode if you do. What's the point? There is no point. Every person in your life has run away from you. No one wanted to stay let alone fought to stay. There are a couple people in your life that you'd hang out with if you really wanted to, but they have their own lives and you don't want to fuck it up with them.
Then by chance, you meet someone. You hope for a moment this will be different. But how can it be? They'll leave just like everyone else. You'll probably hurt them like you did everyone else. Unintentionally, but nearly unavoidable. But for the first few weeks, you're happy. Genuinely happy. You want to talk to them all the time, they make you smile. And not one of those fake smiles you have to wear in front of people. The real deal. Slowly, but inevitably, the darkness comes back. You know who you are, what you do. So you warn them. Tell them you're depressed and might- no, will- hurt them. You don't want to, but it's what you've always done and you want the person to know.
Of course, they dismiss it, thinking it's nothing they can't handle. And of course you prove yourself right. You hurt them. You can't help how you feel. You hurt people. You doubt, you get angry, you hate. Oh how you hate. Yourself. People. Everyone. You want to be alone, away from everyone because it's easier that way. It's the only way you don't hate yourself quite so much. But you know that if you want to be with the person you've fallen for, you can't be alone. You want to change, be the person they see in you. But you know it's a fairy tale, you'll never change. At least not very quickly. You want to change for them. You do. But you just don't know how. And when you're in the darkest part of yourself, you wonder what the point is.
But they don't leave. After the fights and the hardships, they are still there. But they are so kind hearted and want so desperately to help. But you know there is nothing they can do. It's something you have to do yourself, if only you knew how. Anything you ask of them they do. Like when you're not feeling well, they bring you Gatorade. Or how they'll buy you cigarettes when you ask even though you know they're against smoking. Or how at 2 in the morning when you feel the most alone and don't want to be so alone anymore, you text them to come over, and they do. They know enough to give you space, but you know they still love and care about you even without saying it all the time.
You see all they do for you and know at your trajectory and your history, you're going to hurt them. Like you always do. They're too good, too amazing to make them suffer and wait for you to decide if you can even do a relationship long term with someone. If you can make yourself change, if you can be a better person, if you can stop hating everything, if you can stop wanting to be alone. They'll never leave on their own. They're in too deep. If you don't stop this where it is, they will be stuck. It'll be too late for that person to meet and find happiness with someone else.
You want to do this right. You want to do right by them. You know you frustrate and anger them. You know it's not easy for them, and you know you've made a very strong person break down and cry. A few times. You know you're pushing that person to their limits, and you don't want to break them. You want to set them free, let them meet someone who will make them as happy as they deserve. Make them happier than you could. It hurts. God it hurts. You don't want to lose them. You love them more than anything in the world. You hate everyone. Everyone but them. They are the one person you can vent, complain, and be yourself around and know they'll always be there. Without fail.
You've seen their selflessness, and you want to be like that. And you know letting them go is their best option. So you do. And you know you hurt them, which makes it all the worse for yourself. The thought of you being the reason they aren't eating, aren't happy anymore, aren't going to work makes you want to go kill yourself and leave this world where you only ever suffer and cause suffering. But you can't because they don't want you to leave. And you don't want to go. You want to be with them. And you want to be supportive. You'll never not care about them.
But your resolve weakens as they come to make you see they don't want to go. They don't want to be with anyone else. They love you and you alone. And it turns out you helped them discover things about themselves they didn't know existed. You helped them. You. Helped. Them.
As messed up as you are, you still managed to help someone.
You want to stay around them because they bring a light into your life you can't find anywhere else. And it does pierce the darkness. The darkness wants to smother and get rid of it, but the light fights. It's not giving up. But neither is the darkness. It's a 3 steps forward, two steps back kind of progress. But it. Is. Progress.
I know what's in Joe's heart. I may not know all their is to know about him. I basically put a sugar coating over his depression and anxiety. It's so much worse than any of this. This is going off of what I've seen and witnessed. And what little he's told me. I don't WANT to leave him because I know when he pushes me away, he's just trying to do right by me. He's being selfless. And as much as I love him for that, he's really got to let me think for myself. I can't leave because I know he doesn't really want me to. He wants me to stay. He's mentally ill, and he needs something in his life to even out all the negative. And I need him in my life to help me appreciate myself, to see all the good there is to me.
We are constantly making each other better. That's what a relationship is really about. If you aren't bettering the other, move on. There has to be room to grow. Together.
Sometimes, I have such a hard time being social. It's strange because I'm such a social person. I'm a people person even though talking to people I don't know can give me anxiety. I have such a need for others' acceptance. Something I've always dealt with. Why I was a teacher's pet, why I never got in trouble at school, why I take it very personally when ANYONE even gets annoyed with me.
I'm getting better. But still.
Lately, I've noticed that I will be focusing on something or thinking about something that has nothing to do with the conversation at hand, and I'll only really be listening for a couple words so I know the jist of what's being said and I can give some sort of input so the other person thinks I'm paying attention.
I do it with my friends, even. It's terrible; I hate myself for doing it, but I catch myself doing it too late in the conversation.
Or have you ever had it when one friend is talking to you, and you're trying to focus on that when someone else comes up and either says something or does something and you don't realize right away because you're talking to the other friend, and you feel like the second person is upset that you weren't paying attention to them and you just feel upset because you can't listen to both conversations at once.
This has been happening more often than I'd like lately, but I'm not sure what I can do about it to stop it.
