I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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Why do I do this to myself?
Last night, Joe texted me to ask if I was busy. I sad no, and he proceeds to tell me he's gonna drink himself into a dark place. Well, I don't want him to do that. Nothing good can come of it. So, I tell him I can come get him. But, he told me that if he drinks, he can't go home. So I offered my place for him to crash if he needed. And he agreed.
So, I go pick him up, and he's like, just take me home. And I'm like, I thought you didn't want to. I asked why he didn't want to go home, and he just went because... So, I'm like, ok whatever and start driving him home. And he just stayed really quiet and never said a word until we get to the part of town where if I turn one way, I go home to my place or I go another way and go to his place. And right as I'm coming up onto it, he's like, okay let's go to your place.
I drive us the whole 15 minutes in complete and utter silence. We get to my place, and he starts smoking, still not saying a word. We get into my apartment, and I go to the bathroom quick, and when I come out, he's laying on my completely uncomfortable futon. I offered that he sleep in my bed, but he said no, so I went to bed.
And as I'm laying there, he keeps yelling at me to grab water, and then a cup, and whatever. Finally, after like a half hour of this, he says, "I'm not even drunk." and I was like, but I thought you were drinking, and he said he didn't have time because I showed up. And I'm like, what the fuck? I would have stayed drinking with you, you didn't have to leave right when I got there.
And then I went and moved so that I was sitting on the floor by him because I couldn't hear him very well through the wall. And at first, he doesn't say anything. But then he tells me about this fight he almost got in with someone. And then he tells me he hadn't been there with Annie, she showed up right as he was leaving, and I was like it wouldn't have mattered even if you had been there with her. I don't care. And he's like, you don't have to believe me. And I was like, i do believe you. It's not even an issue.
So, we sat in silence for awhile and he asked me what I wanted. I was like, I want to be how we used to be, how we were before. Where I could talk to you and you could talk to me. and he's like, I don't trust anyone. So, that made me feel really good about myself.
I asked him what he wanted, and he was quiet for so long, I thought he didn't hear me. But he's like, "I just want to not hurt anymore." (In regards to his painful arthritis he has. He had to drop out of a golf tournament because it was so bad yesterday). And then he pulled me up to kiss me. We had sex. (And he took a picture of me while we were having sex, and now, I'm kinda nervous about that decision...) I asked him if he wanted me to sleep on the floor with him, and he's like whatever. So, I do. But then maybe 20 minutes later, he moves to the couch, so I went to my room. And fell asleep.
He woke me up early so that I could bring him to his car, and he never said two words to me except to give me directions.
SO, I have no idea what he had hoped to accomplish with that. We didn't talk anything out. Nothing's different. We are still as awkward as fuck around each other.
And I was just telling a friend that all I want is for him to leave me alone. To let me move on.And I'm trying. But, it's like I can never say no to him. No matter what he asks. I keep trusting him not to hurt me, and then he goes and does it. I don't want to stay away from him, and yet I do.
He made mention that he has no one, and so he can't go out anymore because then he ends up sitting outside alone for an hour. And that made me so incredibly sad. I don't want that to happen to him. At all.
So, I went back to bed when I dropped him off and I had a dream that played through the events of last night and then it took off from the next morning, only Joe left and then sent me a typed letter that said he had found someone else, his massage therapist (that he doesn't have in real life) was really amazing, and he was going to go out with her. I felt so betrayed, so useless, like a piece of trash just thrown to the side when he got bored with me.
And that's how I woke up feeling.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
But now I'm just sad.
Joe finally texted back like a half an hour after I sent the last text it said: Sorry you're freaking out ... I don't know what to tell you... I can't deal with this anymore.
And I got really upset because this isn't just affecting Joe. Doesn't he see how hearing this shit affects me? I told him I didn't believe it, that I trusted him with my whole heart. But, it's not easy being told by someone else that you're being used. I've had two previous bfs do that to me, and it sucks.
I sent him a text after that that apologized for overreacting, that I was upset I let Richard get to me.
and he just says ok
He never confirms or denies it. But, I needed him to confirm that he wasn't going out with Annie. So, I pressed him for it.
And he says: I'm not dating anyone, and now I would like to be alone for awhile.
I said sorry, never should have brought it up. Please don't hate me.
And his response was a long one: I'm so very sick of this shit... annie told me a couple weeks ago that she wanted to go on one fucking date with her and that I owed it to our years of friendship... I told her I'd never be what she wanted but if it would make her feel better... went on the date... didn't go on another one... worked exactly as I said it would... wasn't really all that important in the dating scheme because nothing happened... rumors about now I guesss... fuck Rich for saying anything and starting shit that has no truth in reality... why you insist on talking to people about all this stuff is not really my business but seems to lead to unwarranted anxiety and anger over and over... I don't have the ability to deal with this anymore... overwhelmed with life as it is. Not exactly sure how I've ever 'used' you or why I'm the same as your other bfs have been... if you choose to believe that I get it...I've been fucked over too... but you don't have to date me anymore so you can find another situation where someone will be better.
And I responded with I don't insist on it. I was siting at home minding my own business when Rich texted me. It was one of the first things he said. Not like I asked him if there were any rumors he'd love to start. I know you are hurting and going through enough shit. I didn't mean to add more. But, I wanted to be honest with you right up front rather than keep it all in. I figured you had a right to know what he was saying. And I never said you DID use me or treated me like my exs, I just said the situations were similar, only with them, it ended up being true. I told you I didn't believe any of it.
He says: Believe it... don't belive it... it doesn't matter. and I don't care what Rich says... I haven't said shit to him about any of my personal life in 4 fucking years so what the fuck would he know
I said: It matters to me and it matters to me what you think I believe. I know you're pissed at me. But I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you.
He said ok have a good night.
And just to be a little shit, I said not likely but thanks.
And he says: It is just an expression... Rich will get what he fucking wants... I will be entirely alone... you and him can date or whatever... I'm just so done with this bullshit.
I replied: What Rich wants is me... But he's not gonna get me. I'm not interested. I am NOT gonna fucking date Rich. And I already told him I wasn't interested. Not sure what else I can do. I feel super shitty now though because I feel like things were going ok for us, and I feel like I just fucked everything up. But don't mind me. You have a good night. And he stopped responding.
God I feel like the stupidest person in the world. I fucked up so badly and now things might never be right between Joe and I again. We were doing so well. I'm just gonna go take a shower and cry.
So, as everyone knows, Joe and I have been messing around but aren't together.
And he tells me he loves me a lot and he's just better now.
But, anyway, Rich started texting me because he saw me bring Joe home this morning, and he was asking me about it. He doesn't know, as far as I know, that Joe and I are screwing around, he just thought we went out for breakfast. He's like, I'm just really confused by this whole situation. And I'm like, what's to be confused about. And he's like, you, Annie, Joe. And I'm like Annie, what does she have to do with this? (Annie's the one that is Joe's best friend who is supposedly in love with him but he never has returned the feelings). And Rich tells me he heard they were dating by a "good source" and I'm like, who's this source. And he said from Annie herself.
So, now I'm freaking the fuck out. I don't want to believe it's true that Joe's been dating Annie and then using me on the side. I texted Joe immediately about it, but he hasn't responded.
I almost started hyperventilating earlier. Before Joe, I had three boyfriends. 2 of the three cheated on me. And yes, it hurt, but I didn't love them, so it wasn't a huge pain. But, I love Joe. If I find out he cheated on me or has just been using me, I'm not gonna handle this well.
I'm freaking out so much right now, and I will until Joe responds. I hope it's soon.
I am warning you all know that this post will contain talk of sex. You don't like it, there is a back button.
So, last night, I was hanging out with Joe. Again. He's been going through a hard time, and he needs a friend right now, which he has a short supply of. I'm the only one that really listens to him and his problems. So, we went to a bar and he vented to me about work related stuff.
We were leaving and standing by my car while Joe had a smoke. And I told him I'm kinda getting promoted at work, and all of the sudden he asks me why I quit school. And I told him my reasons, and as I'm parked in his apartment complex parking lot, he tells me he didn't figure it out until March that I dropped out and it's been bothering him since then that I never really talked to him about it, and he's mad at himself for not having realized it sooner. He didn't blame me, understood that I wasn't dumping my shit on him because of all of his own problems. But then, that's why we aren't working. He was never present in my life. If he had been, he'd have known. And he told me he would have helped me to study or whatever. And I told him very honestly that I never would have asked for help because I would have felt guilty making him help me knowing how busy he always is.
Then he just kind of puts his head on my shoulder, and I think he may have been having one of his attacks, or maybe he's trying not to cry; I'm not really sure which. And then we start making out, and he asks me what I want. I told him I wanted him to come home with me.
SO, he agrees, and as I start driving out of the complex, his hand is on my thigh, and he starts unbuttoning my pants and I get fingered the whole drive home. You have any idea how hard it is to drive while that is happening? But it was an amazing feeling.
Then, we get to my apartment, and we find something to use to tie my hands together. And we have more fun then. Last night was a good night. It just sucks because i never sleep real well around him anymore. He snores and when his arthritis kicks in, he groans a lot in his sleep, and it wakes me up.
But, it was worth it.
By far.
Joe told me he loved me again, and I told him I loved him, too. And he asked me why I possibly would. And all I could say was 'I just do'. I don't know how to put it into words. Obviously it's because he has a deep hold over me.
I think I'm gonna make a list. Maybe that'll help.
