I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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Where Else to Find ME | Anime/Maga List | Non-Anime TV Shows | The Men in My Harem
I got a couple interesting comments from my previous post, and I just wanted to address them in another post rather than have a giant lengthy comment. ^^
When I was talking about how my family has treated me, I guess I forgot to mention that it is all in the past. My dad has gone through cancer, and it made him take a second look at his life, to change the parts that were really terrible. And it caused me to look at my life and not take anything for granted. I mean, sure I do take things for granted, it's our human nature. But, I try so hard not to. I appreciate the little things because I know they could be something big to someone else; I smile at everyone I walk by because I am grateful to be alive and I'm happy you are, too. I work my ass off because I know I'm lucky to have what I have and that I could be so much worse off.
My family and I are probably one of the closest group of people you could ever meet. I tell my dad more than I tell my mom, almost. And my brothers and I have put the past in the past and moved on. They've seen the change in me, and I've seen the change in them.
As for the emotions thing, I'm not worried. I know I'll learn to handle it in my own way. It doesn't inhibit anything I do, and I'm okay with how I am. I'm proud of who I am.
As for the praying to God, I do. Every night. He knows what I'm going through, and He's been at my side the whole way. I don't blame him for the things that go wrong, hell, I don't blame evil, either. If something doesn't go the way I had planned, that's when I look at the situation and figure out a different way. That one path failing just means that wasn't the road I was supposed to take. If I was meant to end up somewhere, I will. I believe God has a plan for me, and He won't leave me. He never has, even when things got really bad for me.
Sometimes, we need to go through the bad to really appreciate the good.
Anger, sadness, happiness, pride, envy, joy, etc. All emotions we feel from day to day. Growing up, I definitely felt anger, sadness, envy a lot. I was also happy and joyous, but the negative emotions were prominent in my life. MY brothers always knew the right thing to say to just piss me right off. And when I say angry, I don't mean got to go into the other room and cool off angry. I mean, I smacked my brothers around when they acted out against me. I would be filled with rage, a rage that would take me a few hours to cool off from.
My dad would say little things that just got to me and made me so sad, and I'd want to cry, but we didn't deal with that at my house. If I cried, I had to do it in my room. If my dad saw, he'd give me something to cry about. He thought he was toughening me up or something. I don't know. But we didn't really deal with negative emotions all that well in that house considering how much negative emotions we were given. I'd be upset about something one way or the other every single day.
Going to college, I had reprieve. I loved my roommate, and everyone was super nice and friendly. The professors were pretty cool, and they had intramural sports I could participate in. I didn't work much, and I had made amazing friends. I had nothing to be angry or upset about. This continued for the three years I was in school. I went home, and my family would be so happy to see me that they didn't fight and argue with me because they didn't want to waste my trip by fighting.
So, for three years, I can honestly say I was only ever upset a couple times, and sad maybe a little less than that. I felt joy and happiness 99% of the time. It was such a switch, and I thrived in it. I grew into a wonderful human being who can handle her own, who had her emotions in check.
Or so I thought.
Turns out, after three years of not really dealing with emotions all that well, I have completely forgotten how to handle certain emotions. When something sad happens in a movie, and it does affect me a bit, I laugh. When my mom told me about how my cousin used to molest me, I couldn't stop smiling, and I played it off as a joke because I couldn't feel sad. I didn't want to be sad.
And when Joe made me cry one day when I was home alone, it was like the floodgate opened and every single terrible emotion I had been repressing just overwhelmed me. I had never felt so shitty in my whole life. It wasn't good.
I'm not sure how this will affect me in the future, but it's interesting how I've latched onto those positive emotions so wholeheartedly and when anything negative happens, I just take it in stride. I don't want to be phased by things that make me feel enraged and angry and upset. But, who does?
I was curious if any of you are like this or if it's just me.
So, I worked at the golf course yesterday. Worked with Joe. It was actually not awkward at all. We've been spending a lot more time together lately. Like, he came over on Saturday night. We watched a movie and had sex. When we're together like that, it's like we're still together, but without all the negative stuff.
And I love it.
But, I know nothing's changed, and I'm okay with that. I really am. I'm just enjoying the time we have together.
On another note, my best friend, the one who went to Korea for a year, came up to visit me. The first time I've seen her in over a year and a half! We just watched the new Star Trek movie again.
I can't stop listening to the score, now!
Best picture I could find of us from the night
So, Joe came over again last night and stayed the night. He had called me earlier to tell me not to come into work because of the rain (We were getting flash flood warnings!) and then he asked me if I was okay, that I sounded upset. I said I was fine and we hung up. He texted me a few hours later to ask if I was okay, if I was mad at him. I was bummed out all day, and he somehow picked up on that the moment I answered the phone. He said it was because he knew me.
So then he said he wanted to stay the night with me because he wanted to make me feel better, to be with me. And he did make me feel better. We talked about my friends leaving, where they were going, what I was going to do. He told me what he went through when he graduated college and all his friends left, too. And he really did help me feel better.
It's weird, though, because he treats me almost better now than he did when we were together. He tells me he loves me a lot more. Probably more in these last two weeks than he did the whole time we were together. He's been to my place twice in two weeks. He came to my place twice in ten months while we were together.
And today, the husband of my coworker confronted him and made him feel really uneasy. And he's feeling overwhelmingly sad, but he won't come see me or let me come see him because he's got to do an overnight shift at work.... le sigh
The highlight of today? Saw my mom and my brothers. I haven't laughed that hard in I don't know how long. It was so nice, so normal to see them and hang out. I miss that. I miss being the old me.
Here's a pic of me from today!
