I know exactly how you feel. I'm sorry. Everyone will tell you that the right choice is to let go of him. And that's what people tell me. But no, i'm going to hold on to him for as long as I can. I think you are also on the same page with me. It's painful, but I think you'll agree that the ups definitely make up for the downs. Just be patient, loving, and accepting. Enjoy the little things.
You basically hit the nail on the head. If he didn't have depression or self loathing, we'd be able to be a 'normal' couple and we'd be happy and together and this confusion wouldn't be here. He's definitely emotionally abusive with me, though, I doubt he even realizes it. And this is all we will ever be. This is our love story. It's sad, but it's ours.
He pulls away when he goes into his depressional cycles because he doesn't want to hurt me and burden me. But when it gets too bad, he comes to me, or wants me to come to him. I am his anchor, that's for sure. I'm the only one he has that listens to him and puts up with him on a consistent, unconditional basis.
This is not how I want us to be. This will never be enough, and I know I need to cut my losses now before it gets worse, but I can't leave him when he's like this. He gets these suicidal thoughts in his head, and I'm not trying to be conceited enough to think that me walking away will push him over the edge, but I would never live with myself if he committed suicide and I wasn't there for him.
Wow.
I don't even know what to think. Either he's a manipulative bastard, emotionally abusive, or this really is love for you two. Hell, maybe all three.
If it's love, it's a pretty good chance he pushes you away and withdraws because of the depression and self-loathing. I know how that goes in myself and in other people. But in that, people like that reach out to the people they love and who matters to them when they need them most. Which seems to be you. And for the emotionally healthy, it's under that period of time that you have sort of 'moved on' from him and his last 'episode' let's call it. So by the time he needs you and reaches out, you've sort of 'let go' and moved on, which is why you feel you're being pulled into this cycle again. If that's the case, you're left feeling lost and confused. You might be his emotional anchor. And that will be especially hard on you.
Of the three options I put out, which FEELS the most correct for you? Then step back and think "Is that actually it, or is that what I WANT this to be?" Your answer may or may not change.
I wish you the best in this kind of crappy situation. Good luck!
Wow, this is so complicated. I know it sucks and I can't really tell you what to do about it, but I wish you and Joe the best of luck in figuring the whole thing out.
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
DemonsandAngels
Beautiful Disaster (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 09/29/14 | Reply
@DuArMittAllt:
Ya, that's basically what I do. Enjoy the little things. I appreciate the support.
DuArMittAllt
Otakuite++ | Posted 09/29/14 | Reply
@DemonsandAngels:
I know exactly how you feel. I'm sorry. Everyone will tell you that the right choice is to let go of him. And that's what people tell me. But no, i'm going to hold on to him for as long as I can. I think you are also on the same page with me. It's painful, but I think you'll agree that the ups definitely make up for the downs. Just be patient, loving, and accepting. Enjoy the little things.
DemonsandAngels
Beautiful Disaster (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 09/25/14 | Reply
@DuArMittAllt:
You basically hit the nail on the head. If he didn't have depression or self loathing, we'd be able to be a 'normal' couple and we'd be happy and together and this confusion wouldn't be here. He's definitely emotionally abusive with me, though, I doubt he even realizes it. And this is all we will ever be. This is our love story. It's sad, but it's ours.
He pulls away when he goes into his depressional cycles because he doesn't want to hurt me and burden me. But when it gets too bad, he comes to me, or wants me to come to him. I am his anchor, that's for sure. I'm the only one he has that listens to him and puts up with him on a consistent, unconditional basis.
This is not how I want us to be. This will never be enough, and I know I need to cut my losses now before it gets worse, but I can't leave him when he's like this. He gets these suicidal thoughts in his head, and I'm not trying to be conceited enough to think that me walking away will push him over the edge, but I would never live with myself if he committed suicide and I wasn't there for him.
DuArMittAllt
Otakuite++ | Posted 09/25/14 | Reply
Wow.
I don't even know what to think. Either he's a manipulative bastard, emotionally abusive, or this really is love for you two. Hell, maybe all three.
If it's love, it's a pretty good chance he pushes you away and withdraws because of the depression and self-loathing. I know how that goes in myself and in other people. But in that, people like that reach out to the people they love and who matters to them when they need them most. Which seems to be you. And for the emotionally healthy, it's under that period of time that you have sort of 'moved on' from him and his last 'episode' let's call it. So by the time he needs you and reaches out, you've sort of 'let go' and moved on, which is why you feel you're being pulled into this cycle again. If that's the case, you're left feeling lost and confused. You might be his emotional anchor. And that will be especially hard on you.
Of the three options I put out, which FEELS the most correct for you? Then step back and think "Is that actually it, or is that what I WANT this to be?" Your answer may or may not change.
I wish you the best in this kind of crappy situation. Good luck!
DemonsandAngels
Beautiful Disaster (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 09/25/14 | Reply
@Sarasface:
Thank you. I appreciate the support!
Sarasface
Ethereal Wanderer (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 09/24/14 | Reply
Wow, this is so complicated. I know it sucks and I can't really tell you what to do about it, but I wish you and Joe the best of luck in figuring the whole thing out.
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.