I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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I have been having terrible dreams all week. I have had two dreams where people are trying to kill me. One includes my mean uncle taking a gun and pulling the trigger three times at my stomach and twice at my head. Thankfully, the gun hadn’t been loaded, which he hadn’t known at the time, so I never died. But it was terrifying nonetheless. And in that dream, my dad was Bob Saget. Weird.
But last night’s dream has to be the worst this week. I was getting married. Oh, I know that sounds great, especially if you know how much I can’t wait to get married and have kids, but I didn’t like the guy I was marrying. He was a nice guy, but I wasn’t attracted to him at all. He was short and balding and not intimidating at all. Not my type whatsoever. My cousin and her family were at the wedding (The same family that includes the uncle that tried to kill me in my previous dream). My cousin’s husband is a tall guy, broad of shoulder, and my cousin kept telling me how her husband could take my husband and how he’s more attractive than mine. I was upset because it was true. I don’t find my cousin’s husband attractive at all. I find him gross. And if I knew he was better than my future husband, you can imagine how I felt about my fiance. But he was a nice guy. Would do anything and everything for me. He truly did love me. I was scared I’d never find anyone else. So it was marry this guy or be alone, and I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted kids too badly to be alone. But through the whole wedding ceremony, I had doubts. I didn’t want to go through with it. I didn’t want to have to act happy in front of all the guests and my family. I remember before walking down the aile, I blew a kiss at my soon-to-be husband, who would be walking down the aile behind me. Not sure why. And my dad is all happy and excited at the front of the church, and he’s telling everyone where to go. Pretty sure my cousin was also upset that she wasn’t one of my bridesmaids since there were fewer of them than there were groomsmen. But I absolutely didn’t want her up here with me.
The ceremony started, and the farther into the ceremony we got, the less I wanted to go through with it. While the priest started the ceremony, my future husband tried to kiss me, and I just turned so he hit my cheek. I didn’t want to kiss him at all. He didn’t seem to think anything of it.
While I’m up there, what sticks out in my mind is that now I’d have to tell Joe we couldn’t see each other. We were going to be over. For good. A marriage is something not to be messed with. I was stuck. Without him. And it was making me sick. I felt so guilty and terrible about it.
The homely the priest gave was a little unusual. He somehow had a hold of all the wedding party’s planners and schedules from years before and was going through them and finding embarrassing entries and asking us all about it and telling stories.
I somehow got stuck next to one of the groomsmen, Ryan, and he’s telling me how great of a guy my future husband was and how he’d be a great dad because he’s so good with his own kids. (Turns out Ryan is married to the mother of my future husband’s kids that I knew nothing about) And I was furious. How could I not know he had had children? Seemed like a big deal to me. So for the rest of the ceremony, I was trying to figure out when I’d tell everyone I couldn’t do this anymore. But I didn’t want to ruin the ceremony and waste everyone’s time and money, but I also didn’t want to be bound to this guy. I think I thought that I was okay as long as we never signed the marriage license.
I must have started waking up because I realized then that it was a dream, and the wedding stopped or was over and I’m sitting at the front of the church talking to Ana and trying to tell myself everything was going to be okay. But I wasn’t waking up, and I was getting worried I was going to be stuck. But I didn’t want it.
End
