My one major comment is that your sentence structure is repetitive, to a large degree. You had a few variations, but by and large, your sentences were simple subject-verb statements, one after another after another.
Don't be afraid to stretch stuff out; make some compound or complex now and again, or even combine compound and complex. Vary up your style so you play with the reader's attention and emotions more.
I know I sound like a crotchety old English teacher, but I'm just using the names of things so you know what I'm talking about. I mean, I could care less that something is called a "sentence fragment", but if I see someone who has an issue with them, I'm going to say it so they know what I mean. All I want to do with this comment is to help you improve; it's not my intent to kill your writing career.
josephine12cute
Otaku Legend | Posted 04/28/10 | Reply
nice story..... wish that happened in the original series
Allamorph
Spiritus Memorae (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 03/16/08 | Reply
I mean, other stuff by you.
Oops. =P
Allamorph
Spiritus Memorae (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 03/16/08 | Reply
Hmm.
Nice scene; a little convenient, but eh. =P
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My one major comment is that your sentence structure is repetitive, to a large degree. You had a few variations, but by and large, your sentences were simple subject-verb statements, one after another after another.
Don't be afraid to stretch stuff out; make some compound or complex now and again, or even combine compound and complex. Vary up your style so you play with the reader's attention and emotions more.
I know I sound like a crotchety old English teacher, but I'm just using the names of things so you know what I'm talking about. I mean, I could care less that something is called a "sentence fragment", but if I see someone who has an issue with them, I'm going to say it so they know what I mean. All I want to do with this comment is to help you improve; it's not my intent to kill your writing career.
I look forward to reading other stuff.
–A
faithlesstearsMG
Otakuite+ | Posted 03/07/08 | Reply
Wow, good work. The last line is awesome!
~Yokudekimashita!~
~Good Job!~
Hana1991
Otakuite++ | Posted 03/06/08 | Reply
That story is so cute! I loved it! The last line is a great ending. Great job.
Allamorph
Spiritus Memorae (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 03/06/08 | Reply
Hey.
I'll be back in a bit, to give this thing a proper once-over. No time now. >_>
–A
snake43
Senior Otaku+ | Posted 03/05/08 | Reply
great work i like the ending XD ^-^
lexon
Otakuite | Posted 03/05/08 | Reply
Nice work, loved the imagery as well cant wait to be able to read more of your work.
just.me
DragonGirl (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 03/05/08 | Reply
Aww indeed! ^__^
I especially love that last line ;) Good work!