Hello there, my name is Alexander.
I like syringes, scalpels, stitches and smiles.
I don't really do much aside from drink coffee and exist.

Goodbye!

My dear dog, Doc, is most likely being put down right around now.
While I (sadly) can't be there with him, I just watched him drive off for the last time under an hour ago.
He was almost 15 years old, born deaf and mostly blind, and was my best friend through middle school. I'll miss you, Doc! Good night.

I don't want write words do

sdfdsdfghghjhjkhugfghj.

My day was less than great, in fact, it sucked quite a bit.

I'm not going to talk about that though, since all of my posts in this world so far have been sad little messes of rants, vents, and nonsense. Contrary to how it may sound based on those last few posts, I'm usually very cheery. These last few days, however, have been screwing me up something nasty. I've been a giant dribble-pile of thoughts, feelings, and lack of feelings, without much consciousness in between to keep them all in order properly.

I'm starting to feel more... Real now. I'm getting things figured out and hopefully all this nonsense will sort itself out sooner rather than later. I wish I knew what was causing this jumble. Maybe it's something in my coffee.

I wrote a longer post earlier, but my computer locked up like it's been doing pretty often recently and I was forced to reboot it, losing the post in the process. Fooey.

I have Painttool SAI open and my tablet out and it's tempting me something fierce. Maybe I'll submit some dibbles and durbles later tonight.

Hmm. I had an idea of what I was going to post earlier, but I've completely forgotten.

If I can't think of anything else to write, then I guess I'll say farewell for the time being.

Keep smiling y'all!

+Alexander

Lapses in memory

Entire chunks of my memory have been going missing recently.

Usually during the night time. I have absolutely no memory whatsoever of last night, from about 7:30 to around 2:00 in the morning. This also happened to me on Saturday and Friday night. It's happened before, but it used to be really, really rare. Luckily this weekend wasn't as bad as some of those other times, though. I didn't do anything crazy. I haven't done anything crazy during these, but I have done really weird things and had no memory. Like going on long rants about transhumanism to my sweetheart. That was an odd one. The first time it happened, I woke up to my room completely cleaned, vacuumed, and dusted, music coming from my computer, and a new character on Fallout: New Vegas.

sdfghjkljuhytrewsedrftgyhgtfdfv gbnm,?

fghjhgfdfgtfrdfytgfrd.

dfghjkl;lkjhgtfredwwertyuiopkjhyt fghjklkjhy fgh jfrghjk.

I'm going to take a nap. it's 7:16 P.M., let's see if I remember this when I wake up.

Goodest of nights to you all.

A violent emotion

First off, I apologize for my somewhat nonsensical post yesterday. I was really out of it when I wrote that. I had a really weird weekend and I honestly don't remember entire chunks of it.

Second off, I apologize for this post also, it's probably going to be even worse.

I'm going to be really vague.

I have a fantastic life. It's literally near-perfect.

There's one thing, though, one thing that gnaws at me every single day, and it has for years. It only started heavily bothering me in the last 2-3 years. Some days it bothers me worse than others. These last few days, it's been bothering me something fierce.

How should I explain the average day? Hmm.
Whenever I look at my reflection, I don't see me staring back.
It makes me feel terrible. It feels like I'm lying to the people I talk to, deceiving them, and I don't have a choice.
Each day, near everyone thinks I'm something I'm not and they don't believe me when I correct them and elaborate.

On really bad days, though, I can barely take it. I have unwelcome and violent thoughts, and sometimes I snap at people, which is fairly rare for me. On really bad days, I think about cutting off my face and large quantities of my unnecessary flesh. Now, before anyone reading this gets worried, remember that these are just things I think heavily about, I'm near-positive I'm too much of a wimp when it comes to pain to go through with it. The urge is there, though. I really wish I could at least wear a mask to cover up my natural face since I can't show my real face no matter how hard I wish I could. I also think often about smashing my pelvis with a mallet when I feel really down. Again, don't worry too much about me actually going through with that. It's just a strong urge, not something I'm in danger of doing.
I've already fixed myself a little, and am in the process of doing more, but it's really slow, it's pretty damn uncomfortable, painful even, and I don't think I'll ever be what I am. I honestly would rather stop existing than continue existing like this.

I'm very sorry The O has to be the place I post about this sort of stuff, but it's probably my least-observed online account and I can vent to some people, but not everyone all at once.

I'm really tired.

+Alexander H.

Hello hello!

Hi. Hello. Hi. Hi there. Hello. Hello again. Hi. It's Alexander, because who else would it be? I'm still figuring out this entire site. This world thing is completely new to me.

I'm in the processes of dancing the deadly dance of violent procrastination. In other words, I'm not doing what I need to be doing. I need to do what I should be doing. I can't just sit here and not does what I need to did last week. Last week was not did with quite right so I need to catch up last week with this week and does my should have dids. Truth is, I'm really tired right now, too tired to do my should-have-dones. There's a slight chance I can do my not-dids tomorrow morning before my day of new dos begins, but I don't want to do my had to dids along with my new dos, really.

This is the only .JPG I have on hand at the moment.

Hmm.

I baked cupcakes.