First off, I apologize for my somewhat nonsensical post yesterday. I was really out of it when I wrote that. I had a really weird weekend and I honestly don't remember entire chunks of it.
Second off, I apologize for this post also, it's probably going to be even worse.
I'm going to be really vague.
I have a fantastic life. It's literally near-perfect.
There's one thing, though, one thing that gnaws at me every single day, and it has for years. It only started heavily bothering me in the last 2-3 years. Some days it bothers me worse than others. These last few days, it's been bothering me something fierce.
How should I explain the average day? Hmm.
Whenever I look at my reflection, I don't see me staring back.
It makes me feel terrible. It feels like I'm lying to the people I talk to, deceiving them, and I don't have a choice.
Each day, near everyone thinks I'm something I'm not and they don't believe me when I correct them and elaborate.
On really bad days, though, I can barely take it. I have unwelcome and violent thoughts, and sometimes I snap at people, which is fairly rare for me. On really bad days, I think about cutting off my face and large quantities of my unnecessary flesh. Now, before anyone reading this gets worried, remember that these are just things I think heavily about, I'm near-positive I'm too much of a wimp when it comes to pain to go through with it. The urge is there, though. I really wish I could at least wear a mask to cover up my natural face since I can't show my real face no matter how hard I wish I could. I also think often about smashing my pelvis with a mallet when I feel really down. Again, don't worry too much about me actually going through with that. It's just a strong urge, not something I'm in danger of doing.
I've already fixed myself a little, and am in the process of doing more, but it's really slow, it's pretty damn uncomfortable, painful even, and I don't think I'll ever be what I am. I honestly would rather stop existing than continue existing like this.
I'm very sorry The O has to be the place I post about this sort of stuff, but it's probably my least-observed online account and I can vent to some people, but not everyone all at once.
I'm really tired.
+Alexander H.
