I really enjoyed this piece. I think you’ve got quite a few philosophical gems here, which can only enrich the poem. The first three lines really hit me – “Wonder. / Doubt is raised / Through the crack in your path.” It almost gives me shivers. I also really enjoyed “The slush of mainstream. / They’ll chisel and scrape at what made you so strong.” There’s a whole lot going on in this poem, and I admire the ambition of trying to tie together all these threads. But I think the poem would be a lot stronger if you could incorporate some concrete imagery.
Your poem is dealing mostly with the abstract – souls, lust, temptation, wonder, etc. That’s part of what makes the poem strong, because it has substance, but there are ways to address the abstract without necessarily speaking in the abstract. Sometimes readers need something solid to hold onto as they work their way through abstract ideas – a hat to hang their hat on, so to speak. Maybe, to get your point across, you could use simile or metaphor to emphasize some of these ideas – use imagery or sensory information to portray something deeper. Words are at their strongest when they evoke a vivid image. If you made the poem a bit more tactile, I think it would make it a lot stronger.
Overall, it’s a good piece, I enjoyed reading it. :-)
Virtual Rum
Otakuite++ | Posted 04/04/09 | Reply
woahowoaoaohh, check out the big words g !
wolfshadowlurker
Otaku Legend | Posted 04/01/09 | Reply
cool poem!!!
i can tell you spent some time thinking on this one.
Ducky
Imaginary Duck (Otaku Eternal) | Posted 03/31/09 | Reply
I really enjoyed this piece. I think you’ve got quite a few philosophical gems here, which can only enrich the poem. The first three lines really hit me – “Wonder. / Doubt is raised / Through the crack in your path.” It almost gives me shivers. I also really enjoyed “The slush of mainstream. / They’ll chisel and scrape at what made you so strong.” There’s a whole lot going on in this poem, and I admire the ambition of trying to tie together all these threads. But I think the poem would be a lot stronger if you could incorporate some concrete imagery.
Your poem is dealing mostly with the abstract – souls, lust, temptation, wonder, etc. That’s part of what makes the poem strong, because it has substance, but there are ways to address the abstract without necessarily speaking in the abstract. Sometimes readers need something solid to hold onto as they work their way through abstract ideas – a hat to hang their hat on, so to speak. Maybe, to get your point across, you could use simile or metaphor to emphasize some of these ideas – use imagery or sensory information to portray something deeper. Words are at their strongest when they evoke a vivid image. If you made the poem a bit more tactile, I think it would make it a lot stronger.
Overall, it’s a good piece, I enjoyed reading it. :-)