@Afterglow:

I'm just kidding!! x3
Really, I think it's better this way. C:

@moonlit dream:

Hahahaa...
Now I feel like a jerk. xD Don't change anything unless you want to change it.

@Afterglow:

WELL, HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE. >:[ Just kidding about the mad face and the cap locks. I'll take out that part. xD

xDD Okay then, I'll change it. I had it like that because it's uncommon for him to fall asleep in his day clothes, and he usually has a certain pattern to his NIGHTLY ACTIVITIES. ...and stuff. Yeah. Weird.

WELL, FINE! I'LL CHANGE IT. GOSHHH. xD

@moonlit dream:

Okay. I get that. It's just... weird. Haha. If it was like a stuffed animal I think it would make more sense, because people don't really talk to books.

I think the clothes thing would be okay if he just wasn't SO surprised. He could just say like "Oh.. looks like I fell asleep in my day clothes." or whatever.

Alright. If I was reading fluently, though, I wouldn't take that pause before Dreams unless I was unsure about something, you know?

YOU'RE WELCOME! C:

@Afterglow:

Alrighty, I changed most of the things you pointed out. C:

A few things, though...

The diary thing was an early idea of mine... I was somewhat trying to show that he's lonely by making him talk to the diary as if it's a friend of his. It obviously isn't though, because diarys are inanimate objects. Also trying to show how he isn't completely mean by making him feel sympathy for the diary.
Just something I was like "eh, I'll stick it in there." The idea never really stuck, I'll probably take it out later.

The clothes thing...
He wasn't really trying to fall asleep earlier. He accidentally fell asleep. When I put "<Slowly walks to bed, and lays down>", he doesn't lay down in a "I'm going to sleep" fashion. Uh. Does that make sense? xD;; Should I take out that whole clothes-surprised part?

For the dialouge "Luli, master of... Dreams?", I want to keep it a period instead of a question mark because he's finishing reading the words off the watch.

Alrighty then. Cool beans.
THANKS!

@moonlit dream:

You... really want me to point out spelling errors?! :'D It's like a dream come true! Hahaha.
Just kidding. But okay. ;)

Alcott: ... It's always their fault. I hate them. Their the ones ruining my life...
Should be they're. Like they are the ones ruining my life.

Oh, that's the only spelling error I can find. Haha. I think there were more in the other one.

Dialogue that can be cut down:
Diary: <Read in Alcott's voice> Why does no one listen to me? All I'm asking for want [sounds less awkward] is something to do. Don't they realize how boring my life is? They're all selfish fools who neglect to notice anything I want. No one cares at all about my feelings. My mother thinks she understands, but... <writing stops>

Alcott: ...but she's not the one living this life of mine. [I recommend taking out one of these] <grips pen> Rrgh... I hate this!! <swipes (?) at table, making all the books and pens fall off the table> All I'm asking for want is to get out of this blasted house! <throws (?) himself onto his bed> I hate it! I hate it... <hides face in pillow>

Alcott: <He picks up the book, holds it for a minute, then kneels on the ground, looking at it. Then he hugs it. (?) In the following dialouge, he's actually speaking to the diary> I'm sorry... I know that you would... you would never do anything to me. <Puts diary on desk> Not like those people (?) would.

I think this whole concept is a little weird. I know what you're trying to get at with the whole, "I shouldn't get mad at myself, it's the others I should get mad at." but talking to a diary is a little strange if you think about it.

Alcott: <Starts to wake up> Mmm... <Gets up with a start> I... I fell asleep? Wha... I... <looks at his clothes, and walks to a mirror> I... I'm in my clothes from yesterday. Did I fall asleep in my day clothes?

I think this is weird, since he actually did fall asleep in his day clothes. I don't understand why he's surprised.

Alcott: Tell him I'm away, then. Goodbye, Mother. [random change, but I don't think that word made the line any more dramatic or anything. I think it just made it weird, since his mother wasn't asking a question.]

Alcott: <Walks outside, and notices a pocket watch on the ground about 5 feet from him> ? What's this...? <Walks over to it and picks it up (pocketwatch is face-down)> Oh... it's a silver pocket watch.

He's pointing out the obvious in this line, which is a little unnatural in real life. Saying a pocketwatch would be okay, but saying a silver pocketwatch is kinda pushing it. Haha.

Alcott: Luli, master of... Dreams? The train leaves at 13:00...?

Minor change. C: I put a question mark after Dreams instead of a period.

Awright. So formal vs. informal. I think if he's writing in something personal, like a diary, he's going to write like the way he talks. So informal would be better, in my opinion.

COOOOOL. *O* I like editing things. Haha. It's like an early start to my Advanced Composition class. xD Okie dokie. ;)

@moonlit dream:

Oh! Yay! I'm glad I helped you! ^ ^ I think some manga has done something like that...I can't remember what, right now, though...XD

@Afterglow:

LAWL, THANKS. Please point out spelling errors, too. That way I can change it when I do it in comic form.

Yeah, I know. ;~; Refined speech is ANNOYING. Can you point out the areas I should shorten? :D

Oh, I didn't notice that. Informal it is, then. o3o Oh wait, but he's writing for the "why does no one listen to me?" part. Writing is usually more formal than speech. Should I make it formal?

OOOOPSIEEE. My his/her/them English is so corrupt. xD; Thanks for noticing.

That's how I originally had it, BUT I SECOND GUESSED MYSELF AND CHANGED IT TO INTO. DDDD:

Alrightly then! THANK YOU MY DEAR EDITOR. ;D You're my editor now. FOR EVERR.

Okay, so I'm going to make some suggestions. I'm going to avoid spelling errors. Haha.

Some of the dialogue is really wordy and can be cut down. I know you're trying to go for a certain style of speaking, like a refined sort of speech, but some of it is just overly filled with it.

Another thing is you switch between formal and informal. For example, the first line:
"Why does no one listen to me?" That's formal. You avoid using the contraction doesn't. but then...
"All I'm asking for is something to do. Don't they realize how boring my life is?" You use contractions. So it's weird. You should stick to one form of dialogue, which I'm guessing is going to be informal, since Alcott is a teenager.

In this line:

Mrs. S: Dear, your literature instructor is going to be here at 1:00... you shouldn't--

Alcott: Tell them I'm away, then. Goodbye, Mother.

There's only one instructor so it should be him.

Minor thing, but in this line:

Pock. W: Would you, perhaps, like to venture into the quaint little town of Dreams?

I think when you're venturing anywhere you're not venturing INTO places, you're venturing TO places.

Otherwise, I think it's pretty interesting. :) I like the immediate jump into the story; long expositions are boring and if there's nothing else to explain, short sweet and to the point is the right way to go. Good job and good luck, my darling! :D

@Wakusei Aoshi:

Ohh, I see what you're saying. C: Although, the second chapter pretty much takes up that role, because I plan on it being signifigantly longer than the first chapter. Also in the second chapter, Alcott's goal and and explination of what Dreams is is given. It's kinda like Chapter one is part one, and chapter two is part two of the introduction, like you were explaining with Hakushaku to Yousei. xD Starting in the third chapter, the main storyline starts rolling.
Thank you for your tips, though! They're really helping me establish the story, and put it all together. C:

Hrrm, it's really very interesting. I can't think of anything that could change it, sorry.

Oh! And most introductory chapters are longer than the other chapters. For instance (ze following):

Bakuman had 54 pages in the first chapter, and 20 in the rest of the chapters.

Akira had 350 pages in the first chapter (over kill, man), and then 200 in the rest of the chapters (actually, it slowly went up and down...but that's another thing)

(That's all I can think of right now, sorry)

In most manga they have the first introduction of the chapter and what-not in the first chapter. Like here you have it end when he first meets (who I think is Luli) somebody in his dream, if you continued that to the point where it feels that the story should be over, but then you would put in a twist or something to make it so that it would have to be longer.

For example:

Bakuman's first chapter had the characters decide on making manga, however, one of the characters was still reluctant, until something happens and so now he really wants to write manga. And so the first chapter ends, and throughout the manga the duo try to write manga.

Deadman Wonderland's first chapter had the main character sentenced to jail and then shown the pains of the jail, so you think that he has no hope. And the first chapter ends, and throughout the manga you keep hoping that he will survive.

(Yet again, only two that I can think of right now)

But then again there are manga that have their first chapter in parts, however, it's still longer than the rest of their chapters. Like Hakushaku to Yousei. There are like four parts of the first chapter, and then the rest of the chapters are a normal amount of pages, while the parts are broken up into 20 pages each (or something like that, if I can remember).

But basically most manga start out where most things are explained or shown in the first chapter. Like in your manga's case we would learn what that dream world thing is, and what Alcott's new goal is and what-not.

I hope that helps. I really recommend you making a longer first chapter!

OMIGOSH!! I'M SO SORRY FOR MAKING SUCH A LONG POST!! TT^TT

@:

Thanks! :,D I'm glad you like it.
That's okay. C:

@Afterglow:

:0 The exposition.
Do you mean the inquisition?
COOL BEANS, YO.

Dis eez ze exposición, madame.
I didn't read it yet but I need to put away some laundry so I'll get this in a few.