Writing introductions is a bit tedious so....just take a look at my first post if you want to know more....
....and if you get curious about the name of this World or my posts, check out the second one.
- Created By Sailor Nevar
Fall Into My Inferno
I went a little crazy this weekend. There was a certain set of new Evangelion gashapon that I had to get. I mean, I had to get ALL of them. It wasn't easy. $30 or so later I'm looking at the pile of duplicates and thinking maybe........it wasn't worth it.........but on the other hand, I'm also thinking, I only got 7. There's one more Asuka in a white Santa suit and it's pretty cute......
I totally offended some of Stacey's new friends today. Why are girls so helpless? If she had been able to just say goodbye to them on her own rather than making me come pick her up from the coffee shop, at least 5 minutes out of the way, it never would have happened. I'm happy she's going to LTJ w/me, and it was nice to go buy train tickets together even though we're not taking the same train to the airport next Friday, but couldn't she have just met me at the station? That girl's boyfriend totally thought I was saying Japanese kids were dirty. And then when we tried to explain to him that all little kids are dirty, especially in the winter when they catch colds, he went on a rant about how I was misusing the Japanese word for dirty. Seriously, who cares? I think he just wanted to be able to say he was right b/c he was a guy. I'm getting to really hate Japanese men. It's too bad, some of them are pretty nice looking, but they're chauvanist pigs the lot of them. It's a bit scary though b/c it's extending into my feelings about men in general. And I used to be the one who hung out with only guys........
I'm pretty sure that Pin's mad at me. He'll get over it by tomorrow, but it's too bad. I said what I think, I forgot to protect him again. The leader always seems not to need it, but that's not true & I should know it by now. I hope my assumption was wrong & I'm not really a "rental keitai". Even though I'm guilty of it too, it's just sad when someone who's around is used as a replacement for someone who's not.
Turn Back the Pendullum
I'm sick and dying. The worst thing I could possibly be doing right now is posting on the internet. Today something happened though that I've done my best to burn into my brain and I feel I want to try to describe it. Later, when I read this I hope I'll be satisfied. I want to remember that moment forever. There's only been one other time that I forcibly placed an image in my brain and did everything possible to keep it there and that was the last time I saw the one I love most. I focused harder than ever on the darkness of his eyes so I would never forget the color that's so close to black it can't be called anything other than darkness.
Today, it's a completely different image. At the bus stop this morning I met someone. She could have been a great character in a manga I'm sure of it. She was a young mother of two girls, possibly younger than me but it's hard to say with Japanese people. From the moment they arrived I felt I wanted to talk to them. Maybe it was the way the little one stared at me (as babies are wont to do) or maybe it was the way the older one hopped around in her cute little coat and muffler with fluffy balls all over it. Maybe it was the fact that I saw Mt. Fuji as I left the building, or maybe it was the way the mother nervously checked the bus schedule and looked up and down the street in confusion. Either way, despite the fact that it was barely 8am and I hate mornings, despite my hat, sunglasses, gloves & ipod, I wasn't the least bit upset to find the woman asking me questions.
They were going to the train station to then head out to visit the grandma in......somewhere I had a hard time hearing thanks to the earflaps of my hat that was far too excessive for a day like today but I felt the need to wear anyway because of my cold. I'm always nervous about talking to people outside of school because the topics of conversation tend to lean away from my area of comfort (ie. kids and how to teach them English or me and everything related to me) but she was really nice I could tell right away. We chatted about the bus being late, my Japanese ability, nothing important, but it was nice. In the back of my mind I thought, "she could be Hachi in an alternate reality. Why is she going to the kids' grandma's? Why on a Wednesday morning? Why doesn't she know anything about the bus and how long it takes to get to the station?" I could write a million stories about this woman's life and I met her for 5 minutes tops.
Through it all the older girl hopped and stamped around to ease her boredom. Her mother tried to get her to talk to me but, being old enough to know better but not quite old enough to be brave she couldn't bring herself to speak to a strange foreigner wearing sunglasses. I took them off. It always helps. I asked her how old she was, and when she said 5 of course I told her "wow! that's so big!" and she brightened right up. The bus came 5 minutes late packed to the gills with people who I felt sure should have been at work already by that time, especially on a non-rain day. One woman got off at our stop so there was room for at least one of the four of us, and the 3 others who'd collected during our conversation to get on. I knew if I didn't get on I'd miss the only bus to the mountain elementary school I was visiting today, but I wanted more than anything to be sure she got to the station ok. It's not far away and it's not a dangerous area, but she had to hold the little one........
The people in the doorway of the bus didn't look happy about seeing us standing on the side of the road one bit. None of them even made an effort to make space that I could see. Jerks. I wanted to scream at all of them, "Can't you see this woman? She's got two kids!" The bus driver at least was determined to do his job and refused to shut the door despite the rude people not letting anyone in. I wanted to just push my way in, but I hesitated. If I did they were sure to be left behind, I thought, so I started to usher them onto the bus ahead of me. Sadly, the bus driver called out over his microphone, "It's impossible for those little kids to get on. Wait for the next bus please. Just one person for now." in Japanese of course........
She didn't look at all upset, but stepped back and let me go ahead of her. I said I was sorry, but she shook her head like it was nothing. I was sure she had been worried about making a certain train. The stupid people on the bus still didn't move, but looked resigned to their fate as I slid my card through the machine. As I squeezed onto the bottom step and the door shut behind me I turned around to see the 5 year old girl, whose name I hadn't been brave enough to ask, waving frantically with a huge smile on her face. I smiled and waved back. As the bus started to move her mother leaned down and whispered something then made a gesture towards her mouth. And then the girl blew me a kiss. Face beaming she waved until I couldn't see her anymore, and maybe after. I hope all those nasty people were watching closely too. I wonder if it made them remember anything from childhood. I hope so. I hope today was different for them because of her like it was different for me.
Keep on reaching...........it's not that far.
Hall in Your Inferno
Truth be told, I'm only making this post because I'm enamored of the title. Hee hee.........
According to my father they say you're not supposed to take pictures directly into the sun. Every time I've done it though it turns out pretty damn cool.
I'm feeling better this weekend. I was able to go out and eat Korean food for the first time with my Stacey & Sarah. It was pretty good. Spicy, but in a different way from the Thai food I've come to love. I never imagined I'd come to Japan & learn to eat food from nearly every other country around it.
Hmmm......there's really nothing inferno like about this post. I might have to reuse the title some other time. I've been thinking about Magic Knight Rayearth a lot recently. I really love it. It was my first "real" anime. Not like Sailor Moon or Dragonball Z which were slightly bastardized by US TV in my opinion. It was the first unpopular, short anime I ever really loved. My first introduction to my beloved CLAMP. I was reminded of it reading Brisingr when Eragon's sword burst into flames just like Hikaru's. That kid really is a lot like me....
The Primal Fear
Something's wrong with me. I didn't realize it was a big problem until recently. I used to joke around about it in fact. Maybe my talking about it caused it to become reality, or maybe it was a problem all along but either way, I'm afraid of people. Not any certain type of people in particular, just human beings in general. I don't think I was always like that. I can't have been when I was a child, but somewhere in my dislike, disgust and distrust of people who might do something to hurt me I became unable to even speak to someone without thinking frantically of how I'm going to get away from them.
I've tried to think of what it is people might do that would cause me to want to get away, and all I've come up with is that they could ask me to do something for them & I don't know how to say no gracefully. It's all or nothing with me. That's another thing I like to "say" but more and more I notice that it's really true. I can't have casual friends for some reason. Suddenly I'm thinking that might not be normal. Not only that, I'm thinking I might want to be normal. I might want to try to talk to people I meet for more than 30 seconds because they might be interesting. They might be able to show me something new in this world that's become horribly mundane as of late. Also because they might think I'm interesting and want to hear what I have to say. Which most people don't so that's not such a bad thing either.
Twice in the past week I've "run" from someone who wanted to get to know me. There was no reason to assume either of them had malicious intentions, I just didn't know how to keep hold of the conversation. I didn't know what was going to happen so I didn't want to be there. I spend every day working in an environment where I don't know what's going to happen by choice, because when it's the same all the time it's boring. But out in the real world, where there's no cute kids to hug me, or the guarantee of being liked despite being misunderstood (or perhaps liked because I'm misunderstood...) I just can't handle things that well. After I ran, I felt bad. Not because I'd failed or anything like that. Although, that's the usual reason for my bad feelings. No, I felt bad for the Japanese person who was left thinking, "Wow, that foreigner must have really been annoyed to have to talk to me." Next time that person probably won't be so brave, and that's sad. It's sad that I did that to someone's confidence, and it's sad that the Japanese already have no self confidence to begin with.
I've been telling people lately that I'm nervous about going home for Christmas. I thought it was just one of those things I was saying to say it, making conversation like always, but I realized that's true too. This is what I've always dreamed of, going home in "triumph" so to speak. Every other time I left home thinking secretly, "I'll show everyone how great I can be!" And came back empty handed. Less than that if possible. Every other time I've gone away and returned I was the true prodigal son. Alone, broke, miserable, unhealthy, you name it, I was welcomed, loved, comforted though I pretended not to need any of it. Now that I'm successful, cute, strong, and popular.........I don't want to go back and hear people praise me. Guess the grass really isn't all that green anywhere........
The Rising Phoenix
Sometimes my computer likes to play tricks on me. There's nothing wrong with it. It just doesn't want to turn on if I need to clean the house for some reason.
I've been speaking with someone else's voice for some time now. I'm not sure why. It's an interesting thing to try out, but when I read it over later it's too......adult-like to be me. It's a good voice. A thoughtful voice. Even, dare I say, a refined voice. But it doesn't suit me any more than the crazy, jumbled sick, drowning voice of two or three years ago.
I was taught a long time ago that a writer needs to find his own voice. Your voice is your tool, your weapon, that with which you touch the rest of the world. And while my singing voice comes out with absolutely no effort (well, ok.......maybe a little.........) the voice of my thoughts is never able to quite break through the surface.
