Well, that's all emotions in my opinion really....
It's a rare occasion that I'm glad I feel something. Even if it's a happy feeling, I don't particularly want to be having it. Things I want more often than not are complicated by things I don't want.
On Thursday (My Thursday) I went back to my old jr. high for an English seminar. I kind of hate that school, but I go to see someone who I know will be there. And with the hope that I might see someone else who should be there. At least, somewhere in the building. I saw them both. Of course I wanted to hug them both. But that's not allowed. Even if Japanese people weren't a bit repressed, and even if I wasn't painfully shy about that kind of thing it wouldn't be ok. Well, maybe one would be ok. Girls hug each other all the time. Friends do anyway. This particular girl though, when I was her teacher, I always got the feeling that while she admired, (dare I say adored?) me........she was also a little bit terrified of me. On the last day of school last year she shook my hand to say goodbye. In her mind it was quite probably goodbye forever & I could see her whole body shake as she did it.
The other person......well, I'd never be allowed to hug him. My おやじ. Quite probably my favorite Japanese person. Definitely my favorite English teacher I've worked with. He's kind of like a favorite uncle, but a bit too young, kind of like a big brother but a bit too old.........however, he's married w/2 kids & definitely NOT allowed to hug foreign girls who have nonsensical attachments to him while at work. Or anywhere else for that matter. So I spent my fractions of time with the two of them smiling & not saying much due to the immense concentration required to fight down every silly impulse that came over me.
Meanwhile, back in the real world time kept on going. Before I knew it Friday was here. And sure enough there was more of what I didn't want getting in the way of what I did. And just like always, I decided to do the thing I didn't want in order for what I want most to keep on going smoothly. Because what I want for me is far less essential than what I want for them.
Then again, maybe I'm just being selfish because what I really want is just to be with them. Whatever it takes.
