Writing introductions is a bit tedious so....just take a look at my first post if you want to know more....
....and if you get curious about the name of this World or my posts, check out the second one.
- Created By Sailor Nevar
Tell your Children the Truth
My dad's getting married. I don't particularly want him to, but I know I don't really have a say in the matter, nor does it affect me in any way. My brother doesn't know. It's kind of killing me to not be able to call him right now.
My mom was always honest w/me as a kid. Or rather, she was straightforward. She told me quite a few lies I'm sure, but most of the time she told me things the way she thought they really were. She acted towards me, & told me, kids are no different from adults. It's not a common practice. Most people would probably say it's a bad idea in fact. I'm definitely warped in some ways because of it. For one thing, I think it's the right way to go about things now too. I can't do them any differently.
I've been posting a lot recently. I guess it has to do with thinking a lot. When I don't spend all day focusing on my little kids things creep into my head a bit too easily. I really hate being looked down on by people. I always have, not just since coming here. I guess it's kinda funny since I automatically tend to look down on everyone myself, but.....yeah, it's not cool. Often times, I get the feeling people are talking to me like they would a very slow child, because they assume I won't understand the words they're using. And if I don't answer immediately - b/c I usually don't know what to say, & wouldn't whether they spoke English, Japanese, or Swahili for the simple reason that I never know how to respond to people - they automatically assume they're right & I just don't know the literal meaning of the words. When really, what I don't know is the meaning of the conversation, why they're telling me that crap in the first place, and what the hell they expect to hear.
...if it looks like I'm laughing I am really just asking to leave...
Be My Family, or Not
When I was growing up I spent every possible moment telling myself (and just about anyone else who would listen) that I would not grow up to be like my mother. Not at all. In some ways, I'm sure that was an impossible goal, but in others I think I've done all right. Being grown up now I know why she is the way she is, and (mostly) why I turned out the way I did & it's no big deal anymore. I don't spend much time worrying about being like her or not b/c I am what I am. It's a bit too late.
I never gave much thought to being dissimilar to my father. The things that were the same about us were never too conspicuous. We're picky eaters, late sleepers, baseball lovers, slow to change our minds & we like drawing. Sure, we're both technically teachers but I never paid much mind to that either. I never really considered myself to be "following in his footsteps" or anything. He doesn't work in a classroom on a daily basis, & I never planned on doing this permanently anyway so in my mind neither of us is really a teacher.
My dad works with autistic kids. More specifically, he works with their parents, teachers, caretakers, siblings, & friends and helps them know how to best help those kids grow up easily, normally, into functional adults. When I was in elementary school I used to be terrified of the kids that came to the hospital to see him. Sometimes he "let" me play with them; rollerskating in a carpeted room, card games that didn't have any rules, and the like. I was always too ashamed to tell him I didn't like them, that they made me nervous because I never knew what they might do.
Of course, getting older gives you perspective on that kind of thing. While I still don't understand them like he does (the result of my not having a Ph.D. & decades of experience no doubt) I've noticed over the years of teaching that I can recognize a kid with some kind of disability pretty easily. I've started to sympathize with them after seeing other teachers who've never encountered them before foul things up. I remember trying to explain different aspects of them to my fellow masters' students at LSU (with little success) and thinking, "wow, I really do know quite a bit about this....." I guess I just absorbed it somewhere along the way.
The jr. high schools here all have a special room for kids who don't go to classes with the others. Most of them have more emotional or social problems than learning disabilities. At my current school & the one I worked at last year the room is mostly filled with girls. Somehow both times I've ended up being invited to "teach them English", though I get the impression this doesn't happen with most ALTs. We don't exactly do much work either....Last year I was closer to the counseling room girls than any of my regular students. It looks like it's going that way this time too, & I don't mind a bit. These kids, they need friends. For one reason or another they're aching for someone to be kind to them, to talk to them, to listen to them. Not surprisingly, a lot of them are otaku. It's a form of escapism, I'm well aware. It makes me sympathize with them all the more. They've given in to all the things that I was just barely strong enough not to. So far.
At the old school there was one boy who never talked. He barely ever did anything with us & the counselor always seemed to think I was insulted by it, so she was constantly saying to me, "shy boy! sorry! sorry!" when he would get up and leave the room. From watching him over the course of 6 months, I'd say shyness wasn't the issue. He had Asperger's syndrome. This year, there's a girl. "Hi-chan", let's say. She never says a word. I've also never seen her not wear a mask, though I'm pretty sure she never has a cold. "Hi-chan" always does activities with us though. She communicates just fine without talking. None of the other kids seem at all bothered by this. They talk to her & she gestures, nods, points, etc. It's great.
A lot of my dad's more severe kids are nonverbal. They're not mute by any means. They're physically capable of speech, they just for whatever reason, choose not to employ that capability. And he's totally fine with that too. He's always finding new ways to help them say what they want without actually saying anything. The first time I met "Hi-chan" I was worried we might have to skip some activities for her sake, but she always found a way to do things without any coaxing on my part. I realized today while we were playing cards, I really like her. She's a smart kid. A friendly kid, just like "Ai-chan" who talks my ear off & "Yu-kun" who bounces off the walls. I almost prefer their company to that of my "normal" kids.
I guess all that time I spent trying to undo my mom's influence, my dad's was creeping in unnoticed...
I don't mind too much though.
Needless Emotions
Well, that's all emotions in my opinion really....
It's a rare occasion that I'm glad I feel something. Even if it's a happy feeling, I don't particularly want to be having it. Things I want more often than not are complicated by things I don't want.
On Thursday (My Thursday) I went back to my old jr. high for an English seminar. I kind of hate that school, but I go to see someone who I know will be there. And with the hope that I might see someone else who should be there. At least, somewhere in the building. I saw them both. Of course I wanted to hug them both. But that's not allowed. Even if Japanese people weren't a bit repressed, and even if I wasn't painfully shy about that kind of thing it wouldn't be ok. Well, maybe one would be ok. Girls hug each other all the time. Friends do anyway. This particular girl though, when I was her teacher, I always got the feeling that while she admired, (dare I say adored?) me........she was also a little bit terrified of me. On the last day of school last year she shook my hand to say goodbye. In her mind it was quite probably goodbye forever & I could see her whole body shake as she did it.
The other person......well, I'd never be allowed to hug him. My おやじ. Quite probably my favorite Japanese person. Definitely my favorite English teacher I've worked with. He's kind of like a favorite uncle, but a bit too young, kind of like a big brother but a bit too old.........however, he's married w/2 kids & definitely NOT allowed to hug foreign girls who have nonsensical attachments to him while at work. Or anywhere else for that matter. So I spent my fractions of time with the two of them smiling & not saying much due to the immense concentration required to fight down every silly impulse that came over me.
Meanwhile, back in the real world time kept on going. Before I knew it Friday was here. And sure enough there was more of what I didn't want getting in the way of what I did. And just like always, I decided to do the thing I didn't want in order for what I want most to keep on going smoothly. Because what I want for me is far less essential than what I want for them.
Then again, maybe I'm just being selfish because what I really want is just to be with them. Whatever it takes.
End
