Confusion has broken out.

Hello.

I don't exactly know how I'm feeling today. I just want to be alone, in a secluded place where no one can find me, and I can just rest. That's all I want right now. Some privacy. A place to rest. Somewhere where I can just cry, where I know it's safe to cry, and where I know I won't be found. It's making me feel sick, I feel sick. I didn't realize how much I've been killing myself. I'm so foolish for thinking I can keep going on like this. I'm ready to be finished with school, but I don't know if I'm ready to stay at home for an extended period of time. Well, that's how that goes.

Just tune out the world. Please, stop talking. Can I just let my mask come off for awhile? But, you can't be here whenever that happens. That's something I wish to face alone, so you can never see me that way. So you can never see me at a time when I will be sad, scared, or crying. Just let me be for awhile, you don't have to always be by my side. I like people, but I need space too. I hope you'll understand that.

I can feel my stomach churning in all different directions. I want to cry, but always something holds me back, and I can't identify with it. I can't identify with a lot of things about myself, lately. Where is my duty? Where is my heart? I don't know anything anymore, and I don't know why I keep fighting for something that I know I don't love. Okay, so maybe this is a sign? If that's not right? Then what is right for me?

I feel immortal, by Tarja. That's the perfect song for me right now. For some reason, I can absolutely relate to it. Only in my dreams. My dreams are so much better than this world that I'm forced to live in. I don't understand what I'm being called to do. You wouldn't let me do something along the lines of what I thought I wanted to do, that was denied. Now, I'm struggling just to survive with what I thought was my other option. I wonder how the ones who wanted me to do this are feeling? What's really hard is that I feel as though I failed them. How can I face them now? What's left for me to give? What's left for me to take? What's left for me to do?
How can I escape? What happened to those walls? Some were broken, and now I'm hiding behind the remains for survival. Destruction. Why did I let my guard down? When you feel cut off from everything but God, what can you do? Follow Him. I know this much, but what about everything else that should come after ward? I hate thinking about it, and if He's telling me what I think He is, then the majority of what I'm doing now isn't correct with His future for me. Whatever, it will be okay. I just have to believe that.

Wow, it's been awhile since I've just rambled and complained. Thanks for listening. :)

Soup! Ey' yeah

Alright, so this post really isn't going to be about soup, but I felt like it just fit somehow. (It makes sense...in my mind. Mwahahahahaha dontaskquestions) What's really funny is that I find myself feeling as though there isn't enough time. I feel as though my time here is numbered, but not in the life sense, but it a similar way. My life here in college will take a break, that is, until the fall, and it's going to be so weird being back at home again. Don't get me wrong, I think I'm terribly homesick, and I want to see my family again, but what of the Franciscan Family I have here? Also, when I come back to this place, it's going to be quite different as well: for instance, I'm not going to be living in the same residence hall next semester, so that alone really changes up things, I only hope that the friends I made and are making this semester carry over to next semester.

Speaking of new friends, I think I've discovered something about myself. Well, I guess in a way I've slightly known it, and am now just able to combine everything together. So, according to my introverted friends, I am an extrovert. On stepping back and analyzing myself, I think this is partially true, even though I really do enjoy alone time, I still get my "energy" from being around people. It's just that, well, here's the thing. Being here has made me become fully aware that I am just drawn to shy people. (shy = most likely introverted) I don't know, there's just something about them that makes me want to get to know them more and become friends with them. They're really cool too, and plus, it makes me so happy whenever they finally open up to me and actually share things about themselves that they would never say to you before. Wow, my little sister and Lizanya are right, I do like the weird ones LoL anyways, another thing is, I really like musicians. okay, so I've known this for quite some time now. I bet you're thinking "typical girl" but no. Sure, that whole "What? He's a musician?!? *lovestruck*" thing happens, but I consider myself (or at least would like to) a musician and just the whole essence of seeing and being seen, hearing and being heard, and the fact that the other person would acknowledge you for being one, is awesome. In addition to this, well, for me, whenever you play along side a person, and you just go well musically together, it's great. Therefore, my conclusion is this: I am drawn to introverted musicians.

There are these two guys who I'm just starting to get to know who are in the category of people I hope to still be friends with in the coming semester, and I really hope we stay friends, because they're really cool, musically talented, and complete introverts haha.

Now I bet your mind set is going to this question: Do I like any of them?
Well. In all honesty, I don't think I do. In fact, I don't think I like anyone right now, which feels amazing. However, just because I don't like anyone doesn't mean that I'm shutting myself out. I'm open to that window of opportunity I suppose. One of them has a girlfriend which is cool because then I can be even more comfortable around them and not have to worry about liking him or him liking me. That's the fun of having guy friends who are already taken, you can just be comfortable. Well, that's how I am, just speaking for myself. I'm just in the stage of getting to know them better. Plus, I'm just really comfortable around guys and have been hanging out with them more (which is good, because now it's kinda like at home). Plus, these two guys are really chill. That's another thing about me too. I don't like drama. It's really ridiculous. That's probably one of the reasons why I love to hang out with guys, is because (usually) they don't get caught up in drama and all that jazz. They're just chill. Girls can go on and on and on and it can get pretty crazy. Hahaha, I love how my thought processes are just going and going and going right now, I'm not even sure if I can keep up with all of this typing.

Anyways, this brings me to another guy. Actually, forget about it, there are currently too many to talk about and I'm not exactly sure how to bring them up too. Whatever, God's in charge of my heart, and that's all that matters. I just have to follow in His plan and all will be good.

Oh, by the way, I heard this from a friend of mine who went to a talk here and heard it from that person. It was something along the lines of:

"When God tells you something, He's going to make it really obvious because He knows that you're not smart enough to pick up on subtly."

I find this really reassuring, because I can't pick up on subtly worth anything, in fact, I can't even pick up on flirting unless it's extremely obvious (this is going to the EXTREMELY obvious too).
Meh, "Don't worry, about a thing, because every little thing, is gonns be alright."

Crazy.

Boys. Can't live with them, can't live without them...I guess. Hahaha just kidding :P but it's cool, more so on the crazy side, but I always come from that side. The crazy awesome people make everything interesting. Going to Walmart at 2:00 in the morning is becoming one of my favorite pastimes haha

Crazy, that's the best way I can explain it. My life = crazy.

Okay, so I don't know what's going on with my life, but for some reason, I'm gradually just fully realizing that ultimately, I just want to live and fulfill my purpose. If I get a chance to meet really cool people along the way, then so be it. I'm starting to realize and accept this, and I think I'm cool with this. Even though there's so much going on in my life, even though I don't get what I want all the time, even though it's exhausting, "every piece will fit together." After all, it's part of God's plan, and I just have to make sure that I remember that. :)

"I know we're cool."

I just want to run and be care free. Yes, I will follow God and He will take care of everything. :) Why did I ever even worry about this? But to be honest, I really hope no one gets hurt. I know that's such a generic line, but it's the truth. He may like her, but she doesn't like him, then he starts to like her, but something happens and I find myself very confused. You know what? It doesn't even matter, I'll just let go and let God. I don't need to worry, but I will stay on guard. Wow, I guess if it's with a guy, you're a supposed to get to his heart through his stomach, but for me I guess one if the ways is through my ears. I think I may just have a thing for talented smart musicians. Seriously, you figured that all out by ear?! I admire it so much that I could punch you. Well, there you go with how I feel. Hahaha but you know what? It's okay. I now realize that I am beginning to rediscover what I lost. My music and art are coming back to me, and that makes me so happy. And what's even more great, is that I'm able to open up with my talents again. I can sing and play the piano and draw and it's like my creative spirit has been released from some prison inside of me and now for some reason I get the privilege of having it here with me again. Like I said before, I'm learning Yup, that's really what it is.
You know, I don't even need to talk about you anymore, you stand as a really good friend of mine, and I'm really glad that I know you, because it's so nice to have someone around who understands whenever you're having a music spastic moment, or when you just need to play your instrument in order to get something off your chest. You know, you really remind me of someone from back home, how weird is it that I'd find someone who's like him in that way but whose major is pre-med and not music? Someone who was thinking about going in for music, but then had his own reasons to do what he did. That part reminds me somewhat of myself, and it's pretty creepy what we have in common. Plus, we've both decided that we're both telepathic-schizophrenic-psychopaths since we both hear the same voices and apparently have conversations with each other while unconscious (oh boy, what will they think of back home! LoL). But yeah, it's all cool. We're cool. That is all.

Afterthought: Well, I'm glad we got that settled. Thank you very much for that thought process, conscience. :)
And yes, my title is a quote from Gwen Steffani's song. LoL

I'm Still Learning

Well well well. Skeleton Life. I can't get enough of it. I love this song. Lately I've just preferred to evaluate myself through what goes through my mind when I listen to music. Whenever my brain is on the verge of going crazy or anything else, I just turn up the mp3 I got for Christmas and write whatever comes to mind. I think it's really cool. This song keeps coming back to me, but the lyrics in particular, well I guess, are so fitting. Also the song itself is really catchy. I guess it's true that I do like all kinds of music. It's got this Big Band feel to it.

In this floating blue world
Gazing at the bridge with silver boxes going back and forth
Sun rising up, frightening and happy
But I'm getting a little bit sleepy
The sticky sole from my foot is numb
Before I couldn't feel anything
Once again...
Teach me, how to ride the wave
Dog paddle is the best that I can do
Teach me, how to breathe
The snorkel that you handed over gently
Fading away dream, morning from the west
Into the upside-down sky full of stars
Sun sets, fast and quiet
Emptiness and tranquility starts
Today as well, hitting the only back of one day
There is no meaning in languid tempo
But still...
Teach me, how to fly in the sky
I can only step back and crouch down
Teach me, how to flap my wings
I will try to spread both hands

Here's the link for it if anyone would like to watch. It's by Kagamine Rin. Yes, I am a Vocaloid fan hehehe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQoKD3FZdfc

I guess coming back here for my second semester confirms all of my doubts. I really do like it here, and I find myself blending in slowly. I've come to realize that I don't know much at all, but that's okay. No one knows everything, and how in the world can anyone be sure of what tomorrow brings? It's okay, I just have to keep going forward, even if my nerves get the better of me and I start to get a little bit queasy. I have to be willing to learn, not only because of the fact that I am in college, but also I want to learn more lessons about life, about myself, because when I do, that's when I know that as time is passing by, I am going forward. After all, it's not the age that matters, it's what you've acquired as the years go by.