The Shadow Diminishes Within the Light.

It's amazing. The truth does set one free, but I can't help but feel my heart ache subtly from separation. I will keep moving forward, with all of my memories and my loved ones. Being in this environment has such a positive influence. The entire community is my support group. At first, I felt that I may not quite fit in well here, but I've managed to find myself surrounded by such great and wonderful people. I feel as though I fit in some strange way here, and now that I've had time to reflect, I was called to here this entire time. It's so fantastic to finally have a feeling of certainty, like I'm supposed to be here, and I know that I am. Insecurities in the form of shadows crept over me from time to time, but I always want to follow the light, no matter what. Being here brings me closer, to the Light, the Way, the Truth.
I really appreciate where I am in life right now. I feel like I'm leaving some things behind, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking back. I'm not going to just forget about them though. After all, I'm taking them with me. It's just that, when time gives me the opportunity to slow down enough to think, eventually I end up thinking about all the people I had to leave. I know that they support me 100% and miss me just as much as I miss them, but I have to be here.
I see the light in the distance
as I draw closer to it the images around me continually change.
No matter how much I wish for it, will anything remain?
The darkness inside begins to fade
as my memory purges my soul.
Despite all of this, I focus on the light
the living water which quenches my thirst.
I hold my heart and the lives that dwell in it.
My one request: to remember me.
You all possess shards embedded in yourselves
your own path, your own story.
I hope that you all know that I love you
even though it may hurt you
just as much it hurts me,
please don't forget.
I'll do my best, and I'll be back.

I know. I can feel it coming.

We're approaching the realization of the bittersweet. Today was my first (as to say, the one that I've known the longest...ever since pre-school) best friend's birthday party. It just dawned on me that this school year will be the first that we're not going to be at the same school...but our schools are only 30 minutes away from each other, so it's not that bad. She said that she'll come to visit and vice versa.
You know what? Everything will be okay. It really is just the beginning, but I feel that we're coming into this stronger than ever. Being with her, like old times, laughing about everything, just made me realize how much I've missed her. It was as if all the middle school drama that happened didn't and we never had those phases where it seemed as though we were growing apart. Even after all of that was thrown at us, we're still going strong. Lifetime friend indeed. She was right when she wrote in my autograph book that we got this for life.

She's one of the best, and I'm so glad that I have her as a best friend. :)

An Advent with the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

I think...that I will survive. Life comes at you fast. That insurance company is absolutely correct. Well, I have to admit. I think I'm finally ready to continue. I have accepted what is to become of me, and I'm still not 100% sure of what that is though. Today is the Feast Day of St. Ignatius of Loyola. I watched his documentary last night and read one of his writings. There was a part in the movie, where he was at a fork in the road. His traveling companion asked "which way will you go?" and he said "I go which ever way God will lead me." After saying that, he then released the reins of his horse, and the horse went down one of the paths.
That's where I am in life. Yesterday was just a day that helped me to be open to God's will. Currently, I'm learning to release the reins and let God lead me on. It's funny. It seems that everything does appear to be going full circle after all.
Soon, I will be going to WYD and shortly after that, college. This past week I had realized that this whole time, instead of preparing myself properly, I've been wrestling. Fighting with not only what I thought was my will and my parents' will, but with His will as well. I have to renew myself now. I feel like a hypocrite, and I've seen all that I've done, and I must atone for it all. I want to intensify the fire within my soul, and I'm so excited to be with people from all over the world who share my same desire. Even though some may be reluctant to go, I must pray that their eyes shall be open. Out of everything, our God, our seemingly different and yet one, same faith; though it is so mysterious that human thought cannot comprehend nor fully grasp it's vastness, is the one thing that makes the most sense to me.

It's time to begin.

You're such a weirdo.

Okay, could you be more of a jerk or what?
"Transition in friends" and all of your apologies for "caring too much and now not caring at all" and all of this blahblahblah crap. You know, if you were really okay with all of that, then how come you still text a ton of people and get angry at the people who haven't been spending time with you?
I honestly never thought that I'd be writing another post about you, and yet here I am again. Oh well, after this, there most likely will be no more...since you're so eager to look into the future that you're willing to throw away your past AND your present.
It's really weird. You're the come-back-kid who stuck around me ever since the ninth grade, and whenever I finally thought I got rid of you, you always found a way to crawl back in. Looking back at it now, it's hard to believe that I'm actually able to reflect on those things and feel nothing. It's wonderful, feeling nothing. Being there for you was just an agonizing reward. Getting so close, becoming infatuated so much that I'm willing to put your happiness at the price of mine? Yeah, talk about cutting me open. The funniest thing is that you text me the other day. I was used to the times you would talk to me late at night because you had something on your mind...so naturally I replied, thinking that something was wrong. However, the conversation was so dry, and the book that I was reading was much more enjoyable, so I quit. Sorry I did, but my urge to study you has ceased. As the song goes, "I ain't in the business of saving lives anymore."
I have to admit though, it was fun having someone to talk to late at night, sharing conversations with, someone who was able to get under my skin a few times. Our in-depth talks about the universe and all of the different possibilities...it was fun, really. From time to time even, if I get to sit by myself with nothing to do but get 'lost in the labyrinths of my memories' and I come across you, I'm sure I would think of that. However, a lot has happened this school year, and I'm glad that it did. All that pain, it just made me stronger. Sure, I may have a soft spot for you still, but it gets smaller and smaller as time passes by. Don't worry, we're still friends though. It's true that hearts can heal. Now if I can only figure out what will become of my current situation...ha! ;P

It's time to come home.

Yeah, it really is. It's funny how sometimes you don't even realize how lost you are until you're finally found. How in the world could things like misery, frustration, impatience, and confusion just creep up on me like that? I've been taking steps towards healing and forgiveness. I'm trying to remember my promise that I made and that I always have to put into consideration other people's feelings...without being a total pushover. I'll admit, Thursday was just an overall terrible day. Like, it was considered one of my legit "bad days"
It's funny how I'm more willing to share and open up to people who barely know me compared to the people who may have known me all my life. Maybe it's because they don't know me as well, therefore they can't judge. Of course, once I tell them that stuff they probably can judge, but whatever. It still gives me an opportunity to get an opinion from someone who doesn't know me that well, which I've discovered that I actually like getting.
Things are getting better. After all, storms don't last forever. I think I already know what I want for Christmas. Blank CDs and sticky notes. There was this poster that I always enjoyed reading when I was in art class. It was a list of things to do for an artist. One of those was "Put up signs around your house that say 'Yes, you can.'" I found that very inspirational, and I think it'd be awesome if they're around the house too, well, maybe more like in my dorm room. I seriously wonder what my roommate will think of me. I am excited though, for this fall. It's no longer a dreading feeling anymore. It's more of an "so excited I'm nervous" feeling. I'm still uncertain of my majors and my minors, but I'm beginning to think that maybe God really does want me to be a physical therapist. I've been visiting a nursing home twice a week for the past few weeks and whenever I get the opportunity to observe the rehabilitation center at work, it's pretty awesome. The things that they do could be compared to getting together with the patients to create a little miracle in their lives. Hearing their stories and getting to experience it first hand is very inspiring too. I rediscovered my creepy fascination when I had one of those discussions with my mom about reattaching arms and penises. Yeah, it was pretty strange, but really cool at the same time. And then, In a conversation I had with one of my friends who didn't know what physical therapists do, and as I explained it to him, I was actually able to thoroughly explain it, and in other conversations too, when I hear about how their being rehabilitated, it's really cool. Although, my mom suggested that maybe I should just be a doctor, but I don't think I could handle all the stress that comes from that.
I was rummaging through my diary, and found this quote in there:
"Don't build God into your life, build your life around God."
That made me realize that this entire time of me searching was because that I had been trying to do that. I had been trying to squeeze God into my life, instead of making God the center of everything that I do. Pondering upon it now, maybe that's why all of those negative things had crept up on me. So, I've been taking steps to alter myself accordingly. I just have to trust that it'll all work out, because in the end, I know it will.